if I should die before I wake...

Not saying I identify or anything.....wha? What do you want from a sex slave???

smell ya later

Well friends, it's been fun. I am no longer allowed to blog about my relationship with Daddy. He came over last night and told me that I can blog about topical things regarding submission in general but not our relationship. I think the goal is to no longer allow me anyplace to go with my negative shit I tend to vomit out. I can't say that I disagree with his logic.

In the meantime, I shared with him some of my not so snively and whiny writing from my old blog and some of my writing classes and he liked it! Very scary for me to do as he is a professional writer with several advanced degrees to back it up. He is going to mentor me in order to develop and hone those skills. Apparently, I am a natural satirist.

Over the last week Daddy has been making more demands on my time and structuring my life more. After our conversation last night that is going to continue to increase. He is at peace with how we are going to proceed together. We are both sailing into uncharted territories and have to try to see things with a fresh perspective.

To quote Fischerspooner, just let go....

and so it begins...

Doc and Kat will be here in an hour. Lunch then surprise shopping trip to pick up fetish stuff for her to wear tonight to the BDSM club Passive Arts. I am hoping to swing by Syren and pick up a latex tank top. Want a new look tonight for my 3some...

Bittersweet day. Saw pictures from my girlfriend from high school's wedding last weekend. The joy and love just ooze from them, as does her personality. Found out OldBoss still loves me last night. Would be a REALLY good decision on an intellectual basis to get with him. Which brings us to Daddy, who bailed on tonight. I am going out, again alone. I understand and respect his decision but it still is disappointing. I am pretty fucking sick of doing everything by myself. My problem, again to deal with on my own.

Saw Daddy for a half an hour this week. Not his fault but still a fact. We were chatting this morning and he said that he wasn't sure I understood what a watershed moment we had this week...I don't think that I do. He told me to go and is "confident you will share this experience with me. It will be as if I were there." No. It won't. I really don't understand his position that he is always with me. He isn't. "In spirit" is not the same. When spirit can spoon and fuck and bite and laugh and take out the garbage then we will talk. Now he went radio silent on chat...oh spirit, where are you? It isn't that I think out love is gone when we are apart but come on!

Do other women actually buy into that crap? It is almost like having a relationship with God who is everywhere at once and in everything although you can't see him or touch him. It is faith I guess. I don't believe in God as a threshold matter... Daddy just signed out of chat. No goodbye. Mean spirited.

I am trying to shake off this funk and get all bright and shiny. I actually think I may cry.

paridigms

"the easy way, the hard way, or the zombie way..." Daddy gave me my three paths to submission today. After our fight Tuesday he has been thinking about how to progress with me. He is not going to do anything in public with me until he is certain of my obedience.

He didn't want to take this route, but I have given him no choice. Disobedience will be met with isolation and severe beatings. If I am not going to submit out of love, he says fear is a workable solution. He is also looking into hypnosis and brainwashing. I am genuinely scared. "If you won't work with me as my partner, than I will teach you as my opponent, you will lose." I believe him.

He cares enough to do this. If he didn't care, I would be gonzo. I know I am frustrating as shit, willful, and the most trouble he has ever had. I enjoy being knocked around a bit, but I am by no means a pain slut. I better get my head out of my ass real quick like. I am scared to death. Which for me, is the only way out of this.

dreaded pop in

Shit. He came over. I look and feel like crap. My place looks like I had a Frat party. I look like I am a coke whore. Not a good thing. He didn't fuck me. Nuf said. My life fucking sucks heavy metal ass.

top chops

Daddy wanted to come over tonight. I am just not up to it. The residual shit from the massive panic attacks have left me barfing, headachy and genuinely not fit for public consumption. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.

He has backed out of our flesh pile I had set up for Saturday night after our fight. He's not feeling it, or me at the moment. My old Dom Doc and his delicious sub Kat (that I CANNOT wait to get my hands on!!) Daddy is insisting I still go. Been planning our attack on Kat tonight. It will be incredibly fun. She and I have this raw connection sexually, but I actually REALLY like her too. So important to me with someone I am fucking. She is texting me, the feeling is mutual. Have I mentioned she is the best kisser ever?

I am disappointed Daddy isn't going but his choice. I really don't know how many submissives set up orgies...maybe it is more common that I would have thought. In any event, I will be honing my "top chops" on Kat. We will be taking her shopping as she is totally vanilla. She doesn't have appropriate clothing for the clubs. Where we go next is still under debate. The Lair, Bar Sin....Passive Arts. Not sure. We got a hotel.

Daddy sent me this video last night. Beautiful lyrics that speak to me, "the things that you lose, you never have found," and "the deeper you dive the greater than heights." He could not move a business thing tomorrow night, I have another bday dinner Friday and then my 3some Saturday. I won't see him until Sunday. Another week passing without seeing him. FANFUCKINGTASTIC! We all know how well I do on my own. Good thing I feel like a total bucket of fuck or I would be really upset.

Daddy said tonight he is pissed I am doing this Saturday with Doc. I said I wouldn't go if I could see him. He is pissed as it is Doc and not him. There is always next Saturday...

dark star

Too good to be true. Had a fab night last night with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Looked completely drop dead amazeballs in a gold dress Daddy picked for me. My friends made my head spin with the love. Could not have been a nicer night, I floated home on the vibe.

Daddy and I started chatting, and we were both happy initially. Dark turn in the conversation and just the opposite. I get angry and lash out. There are some underlying issues that just piss me the fuck off and they come out. The argument escalated and it was vicious from my end.

I think we broke up today...then not. I don't know. I have no idea where we are except for not where we were yesterday. He doesn't trust me. Enough to end it right there. I should. I really really should. I threatened to email The One I Don't Like as I thought he was lying to her about being with me away last weekend. Needless to say, he doesn't negotiate with terrorists.

In the light of day I am ashamed of what I said. I am hurting and want to hurt him back. Faced with being without him (not to be trite) is like looking into the abyss. What now? He used words like martyr, toxic, tiresome, petty and jealous. Apparently I hen peck him and he is sick of my criticism of his life and his abilities.

Thin ice is where I find myself today. He wants to leave me. Again, I know he can find some dumb cunt to slap some latex on, smoke and take dick up the ass pretty easily, without my mouth. He is hurting too, he made himself vulnerable to me in the process. I am not your Acme slut. I know this. I require different tools than my predecessors. I hope we can work on our tool box together. If not, I'm not sure where that leaves me. A slut alone in the world, not good.

He asked why him? I have left every single man I have been with. I really had to think about that. I feel things with him I have never felt before. I am deeply in love, connected, in tune (for the most part,)challenged, valued, protected, motivated, energized, secure (for the most part.) He is genuinely frustrated, "why won't you let me take care of you?!?!?" I have never been taken care of. Never. I am holding back. Too good to be true.