New Year!

New Year's eve.....a time of reflection and anticipation. At lunch, Daddy and I were talking about this yesterday. I don't think I have been quite so optimistic about an upcoming year, or decade in this instance. In him, I have found what I have been looking for all these years.

I told him how happy I was to close out this last decade....a lot of wandering and sadness for the girl here. He reminded me that I have never been an owned slut before and that is all over. His goal is to be in a position to take care of me. I am genuinely blessed. He also reminded me that I have told him I love and hate him...which I do. I told him I mostly love him.

I enjoyed our afternoon delight yesterday. Our maiden voyage with the thigh/boot strap dildo holder was comical. We were both laughing at our inability to make it work. The dildo insisted on popping out, the strap was sliding down his leg, the angle was wrong, the metal ring was digging into Daddy's leg. It was definitely not hot and sexy, but it is nice to be able to laugh with Daddy at such things. He also commented on my body. He can see the effort I have been making and appreciates it. It is always nice to have him take notice that I am trying hard. He said he can see I will have a porn star body. Another month in the gym and I will. Everything will be tight and lean. I love when I look cut up. Not bulky, just long lean muscles which my tall frame carries very well. My favorite part is my back when I am in shape.

Additionally, I was quite tickled to jab Daddy about the state of his home. He is constantly telling me my place is filthy. I think initially, he was right but after some investments in time and stuff on my part, I think I have remedied that situation. I mean, when the enamel is gone from the tub, there is NOTHING you can do to make it look right. (when I was a red head a couple of years ago, I had slopped some toner I used in between colorings to keep that deep red color I love so in the bathtub. It would never come out, looked like I had had a partial birth abortion in the tub.) Daddy's house was messy yesterday and he has a live in domestic. I commented on the amount of hair in his tub..."wow Daddy, and you don't even have dogs like me..." I quite enjoyed that as I often remind him that cleaning is NOT my only job like some people.

Exactly a year ago this week I vowed I would be in a relationship by next New Year's. I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find Daddy. It is funny how things work out. Daddy dismissed one of his long term submissives earlier this year. Had he not done that, there would be no room for me in the picture. Had I met him any earlier, I would not be ready for him. He is generous when he says that he was fortuitous finding me. I think the stars were perfectly aligned and we both came together when we were ready for one another.

I am honestly looking forward to this decade. Happy New Year!

Slut on the run.....

A slut's work is never done. I have been on vacation this week and I am starting to get back into the groove. I've been back to the gym after a long hiatus. Although it has been pretty miserable, I am amazed at how much strength and stamina I have retained in spite of the pneumonia. Not one child's pose in my first yoga class back! By the way, if you don't want people staring and talking about you at the gym, do not wear shorts if you have been punished. Pic above, oopsie!

I have been running around like a fool trying to get all of my things done. I got up early this morning to do my enema so I could go to yoga class then see Daddy for lunch. I've been milking (sadly still no results.) I have yet to get back to my homework (which Daddy made mention of Monday night when he was here, I am no longer getting a pass on that.)

It seems all I do is clean, do laundry, do slut stuff, run to the market, cook....and start that cycle again. I do not know how I am going to accomplish everything when I have to go back to work next week. Things I enjoy like knitting, reading and my poor dogs are very much neglected these days.

After lunch with Daddy, I come back to start that vicious cycle again. I have a house guest for New Year's and I need to clean, do laundry and get the fixings for Jambalaya. I am spending Saturday and Sunday with Daddy.....provided I do not have one cigarette. This is a new rule; if I smoke he cancels out next plans. I am not too worried except for New Year's eve. I tend to have a couple of cocktails and those smokes are looking awfully good.....

I got the lecture about the importance of obedience again Monday (punctuated by that bloody belt.) I am trying but I need to try harder. Kicking my drug addition will be a pretty good first step. Obedience is my New Year's resolution.

Treated like the HoHo Ho that I am

What a perfect first Christmas with Daddy. As I have mentioned, this is my first year not going home and I was more upset than I had anticipated being. Daddy asked to spend Christmas with me and I could not have been more thrilled.

I made him an ambitious meal of individual Beef Wellingtons (personalized and pictured above,) roasted brussel sprouts, roasted multi-colored potatoes with thyme and shallots, thyme popovers, a simple green salad and a peppercorn sauce made with a homemade demi glace base. For dessert, I tried my hand at his favorites, macaroons.


I wore my latex dress which was his Christmas present from me and took extra care to get dolled up. I supposed I was inspired as I just finished Jena Jameson's memoirs. I looked especially trashy and I knew he would love it!

I guess he's been reading the blog and a comment that I made speculating how hard he has played must have struck a nerve. He came in with armfuls of gifts then promptly lead me to the bedroom where he shackled my hands behind my back and fucked me up the ass quite roughly. My porn star make-up ended up mostly on the bed with the remnants smeared all over my face. My hands were then shackled to the front and I was allowed to tidy up and then fix dinner in that state.

Cooking, shackled, in latex with an oven running at 450 degrees was interesting. I could feel sweat run between my breasts and down my back...eventually pooling and dripping down my legs. In spite of my predicament, I managed to put dinner on the table and Daddy was very pleased. The fillet was tender, veggies cooked perfectly. Just a wonderful meal, first component of which (per Daddy) is good company.

I am one spoiled slut.....Daddy lavished me with gifts. I got a feeldow and top of the line harness with which to use it. He gave me a shower attachments for enemas to continue my enema training. I got a bit gag! (I often have trouble with ball gags as I grind my teeth and cannot open my mouth.) Wrist and ankle restraints, in latex to match my growing latex wardrobe. Most specially, he is going to hand build me a table...

I opened one package and I thought it was a collar. When I realized it was a thigh strap for a dildo (which I had told him I thought was cool and wanted) I guess my face dropped. I mean I LOVE the thigh/boot strap (check it out at JT's Stockroom) but was hoping Daddy wanted to take it to the next level. Sensing my disappointment, he pulled me close and we talked about my collar. In his mind, I am already his collared slave. He thought about getting me one for Christmas but he wanted to discuss it with me first. Once he locks it on, it will not come off. He wanted to discuss what I could wear 24/7 considering my professional persona that I must keep up. I am a collared slave. Huh. Pretty cool....just waiting on the hardware! That was probably the best gift of them all.

We ate macaroons and cuddled on the couch. Took my dogs for a walk (and he also leashes his slave for these walks too....) Went into bed and he used me again. He can be so mild mannered but there are times when his cock is inside me when I see his genuine intensity. Hand closing around my throat while he looks in my eyes, slapping my face as he demands I cum, grabbing my tit thru the latex dress as he pumps me hard. My place and purpose. I just take his cock.

He knew I would be upset he had to leave. I hate it when he doesn't stay over, which is more often than not. After some smart mouthing I was met with a slap and a lecture, which I deserved. It isn't just that I love curling up with him, we even intertwine feet when we sleep together....I think that when I wake up and he is gone it is like a dream and it never happened.

This morning, he texted me, "I want you to know you are a true source of joy in my life. You are a fucking wonderful slut." I guess last night really did happen. Me, a collared slave......somehow verbalizes it changes nothing and everything. Merry Christmas!

I can see clearly now....the pain has gone

Sub drop has passed, thankfully. I usually get it full on about 2-3 days afterward. Normally, I would just eat a lot of protein and go to the gym, sweat it out. With this rib thing I am rocking that was not an option. I tried everything I could think of and had a really rough time shaking it.

Daddy and I talked about it last night (thankfully I had gotten ahead of it or this convo could have gone VERY differently.) I am not sure how hard he has played in the past but I have played...well HARD. We talked about after-care and he realizes the importance of it but didn't realize that in many women it is necessary to follow up as we get this sort of retro sub drop days later. It is biological, I have read up on it and I know I am not the only one.

When I tell Daddy he is my drug of choice in some ways it is very literally true. Physiologically there are many of the same effects. Anyone who has tried X before understands you pay for the euphoric highs with dangerously depressed lows. Your serotonin level is all wonky and needs to stabilize. This is why things like chocolate, protein and working out help.

Nothing can take the place of being with your Owner afterward. Having lived with other Doms in the past I never really experienced sub drop as I had their loving presence around me mitigating the physiological factors. Since that is not an option in my current situation, I felt it was important to let Daddy know what was going on and that my hangover from Saturday night was a bitch!

I wake up alone

Saturday night I had a date with Daddy. To be honest, I was somewhat dreading it as I got hammered Friday night and smoked a bunch of cigs. I was not looking forward to "the talk" that was sure to occur.

Doc was in town and took me to lunch. It was nice to be comforted by him. He has been in a polyamorous relationship before and doesn't think they work well. Doc doesn't think I am cut out for this. Maybe he is right...I'm trying to remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day, but surely fell in one.

I got my hair done and wriggled into my new latex dress and stripper shoes that I bought for Daddy's Christmas present. I opened the door to him, "stand back" was all he said. He turned me around looking me up and down....caressing my body in the latex. "Are you up for dinner?" were the next words out of his mouth, I grabbed my jacket and we left.

The drive was long and silent. I was afraid to talk. He did not look at me once in the car. We parked, "don't hit the door on the curb" was all he said as I exited. He came around and took my hand and held me as we walked. I was wearing 6' platforms after all.

At dinner, a group of men in the restaurant commented to one another there were a lot of strip clubs in the area when they saw me enter. This broke the ice and Daddy loved my humiliation at being mistaken for a stripper. We had a lovely Japanese dinner, beautiful bite-sized packages of food. The mood lightened and we talked and laughed.

After dinner we went to Passive Arts, a BDSM club by LAX. It was early and the club was pretty empty initially. We walked around and eventually ended up in the dungeon room. I was slapped then punched in the stomach. Daddy grabbed me by the hair and growled, "I will make your submission a living hell for you. There will be no more willful disobedience. My touch can be loving or brutal, it is up to you." I was then positioned to be beaten with the belt.....I can readily handle the blows to my ass but the ones to my pussy and inner thighs are much more difficult. I did some defensive posturing which didn't go over very well. Afterward, he reminded me that I am owned and will never be alone again. I have no more choices. My life is in his hands alone.

The rest of the evening we walked around, talked to people we knew. Watched some shows. We came him early so he could use his fucktoy. He fucked me hard and the intensity was there as it is with us. We both fell asleep, his lips on my head facing one another. It was lovely. He woke me in the night for another round and then left.

I didn't hear much from him yesterday. I went to International Playboy's house for breakfast. A text here and there from Daddy. A call at 10:30 when I had be long asleep.

Today I think I am experiencing a bit of sub drop. I am sad for no real reason. My skin aches.....I'm itchy and antsy. This is Christmas week and I have no idea when I am going to see him. I am not part of his family so I will be spending the holiday alone. This is also the first year I am not going home for Christmas and I think it is impacting me more than I care to let on. Alone again seems to be the theme for me. I want to settle into my service but right now all I see is isolation. I'm not sure how to reconcile these things in my head.

Resistance is futile

I am still recovering from pneumonia and Daddy came over last night. I had made some food and attempted to bake bread unsuccessfully. My mojo is a bit off I think still. Daddy loves my cooking and I love to feed him. We had a nice dinner.

Sick or not I am a fucktoy and was desperate for use. Thankfully Daddy used this slut...we tried to be mellow but just don't think that is possible for us. I love looking into his eyes as he is shoving his cock in me, it is feral and angry. Our energies just feed off each other and it is hard to stay controlled. He hits me I want to beg for him to hit me harder, he pulls my hair it is the same. I love feeding the sadistic side he is beginning to show with me. I've never been a pain slut so this desire is new to me. I cum as he covers my nose and mouth. I cum when he twists my nipples. He reduces me to my core purpose, holes to be used. I where I belong. Afterward, we cuddled and talked. His first priority is getting me healthy and second....getting me to obey.

He sees that at the stepping stone to anything else we will do. For me, obedience has always been a rote, "yes Sir, no Sir..." type of thing. Daddy explained why my obedience will be key to anything we do moving forward. I think this is the first time I have actually understood this concept thoroughly.

Last night he explained that he is going to put me in some scary situations and unfamiliar territory. He needs to know that he can trust in my blind obedience in order to take me to these places. I need to obey for my own internal well-being as well. We cannot move forward until I am in that place where there is no fear or hesitation in my compliance. He says, I do period.

I have had some minor rebellions such as not doing homework. He is paying attention to even these small transgressions. My seemingly innocent omissions or mistakes are a lack of obedience. I get it now and I understand why it is important.

I still have a pass on a lot of my duties now due to my sickness. I am determined that once I am healthy I will work to be the obedient whore he needs me to be for both of us. Wherever he will take me I will go.

fuck my brain

I realize what a lucky bitch I am. My Ambian rant was recognized for what it was. At the core, I just want to be with him. It is a desperate longing. He will not let me go as hard as I try to push him away. We are both sick. I am on the other side of my pneumonia and realize how much I actually enjoy breathing. He does not want to expose me to whatever funk he has due to my compromised immune system.

So we chat. We cannot physically be with one another but we can be in the same place mentally. Like a really kinky Abelard and Heloise. Today Daddy opened up to me and shared his D/s journey. As we talked I thought about standing at Abelard and Heloise's grave. A forbidden love finally united forever in death. I remember the last time I was in Paris, I actually cried at their grave. The suffering and beauty of their love story is crippling.

I am standing at the precipice of my love story. He wraps his words around me. He envelopes me with his history. I am a "permanent fixture" in his life now. This is not what I ever envisioned for myself but I feel loved and valued. I trust him and he trusts me.

Today he showed me his past and all I can focus on is our future. I have Ella Fitz in my head now, "as Abelard said to Heloise...don't forget to drop a line to me please." Being able to write and express oneself is underrated. Not only do I love his body, I love his mind.

Oh Fuck.

Not to be a prolific blogger today, but my neighbor just told me that I went off on Daddy in an Ambian rant of epic proportions. I have NO recollection of talking to him. I have NO idea what I said. He isn't picking up his phone. I think I may have really cooked my goose this time. I should know better than to take those things, I have been known to have full conversations and say not such nice things when on them. They are evil pills and I should just toss them out. I just wanted to sleep. I have been on a cocktail of crazy meds to handle my panic attacks and I know I should eliminate this one.

This very well may be the end.

Daddy's Christmas Present

Oh yes, Daddy's Christmas present came today. I got this dress in red with white trim. I think he is going to LOVE it! Unfortunately, I have been too sick to try to put it on. Those of you with experience getting into and out of latex know it can be quite exhausting. I am so excited!!!!!!!!

A Wasted Week

I have been beyond sick. I have pneumonia and have basically been flat on my back all week long. The pain was unbearable, felt as if I had an ice pick stabbing me in my lungs. I am still unwell, but am much much better than I was even yesterday.

Daddy came by Thursday and brought me flowers, juices, fruits and Kleenex. He stayed for an hour and rubbed my back. He is sick too now.....hope he didn't catch it from me.

In the meantime, I hate wasting the precious little time I get with him by being sick. We had such a lovely weekend last weekend and it is unlikely either one of us will be up for anything in the next couple of days. Boo.

I have often said you never feel as alone as you do when you are sick. Even though Daddy just lives over the hill, it can take an hour to get to my place. I had to pretty much fend for myself through this pneumonia. I actually burst into tears at the grocery store buying some ice cream. I get pretty emo when I have a fever.

I hate my apartment, I've been here seven years and really need more space. I work from home now too so this tiny one bedroom is becoming much like a prison. Yesterday, I went into the office of my apartment building and asked if they had any apartments closer to where Daddy lives. They do, a 2 bedroom is going for $1900. I cannot afford that. Again, I came back into my little shit hole apartment and began to absolutely ball. I feel trapped and alone and really see no way out of this situation.

Like many people, I am making less than half of what I was two years ago. I just wish one part of my life would straighten out. Daddy said at some point he will take over my finances and we will get all of this stuff straightened out. I did get a commission check last month which really helped me catch up on some bills. Hopefully, I will get another this month or I am royally screwed. Never in my lifetime have I ever been this poor or lived this close to the edge. It is scary.

one foot in front of the other......

Today I feel as if I had a break-thru of sorts. I have mentioned that this is my first experience in a polyamorous relationship and I had huge misgivings coming into this situation. Why on earth should I ever need to share the emotional intimacy with a man I love? I am beautiful, kinky, accomplished and a hell of a lot of fun to be with. I have men throwing themselves at me all day long. Why should I ever agree to settle for a fraction of the emotional relationship I am due? I stuck with this because I love Daddy. I tolerated it for that reason alone.

A month ago he sent me pictures of one of the other women. It cut deeply; I shook and wanted to barf. I wanted to lash out and say how ugly she was and no wonder she was willing to settle for less. This was my insecurity talking. I was not on solid footing with Daddy and I couldn't handle it. He wanted us to meet, it didn't happen because I had a massive melt-down. I wasn't ready....really. I wasn't ready.

Over the last month we have solidified our relationship. I feel secure in what we have and know he loves me. He is making an effort to spend time with me and mold me. My fears of being a number and being played are melting away. He has plans for the future which include me. He will figure it out, he loves me too and wants to be with me. I would not stick around if I felt it were otherwise. I need the day to day interaction and it is soothing to know he would like it too.

Today I asked about the others. Saw pictures, got names. Learned a bit about their personalities. I didn't barf. I didn't shake. Honestly, I really didn't care a bit. It is what it is and he loves me.

So I took another baby step today. I feel there has been progress but it isn't up to me to decide. I am just happy I no longer want to cut those bitches!

showing my pink underbelly

Daddy said something very interesting to me recently. The more we intertwine, the more conflicted he becomes controlling the vicious sadist that we know lies within and the desire to be incredibly tender to me. I must say, I share the same dilemma.

We have a sick connection...and by that I do not mean the conventional mentally ill type deal rather rap lyrics, off the chain, incredibly soul feeding/sucking; we have a wild mad connection. The intensity is scary. The fact we have just begun to scratch the surface exploring our shared dark side and have reached this fevered pitch leaves me at a loss for words.

We went to my company Christmas party today and I had a hard time introducing him to my co-workers. This is D-D-D..er (insert his real name here______) I know most subs get what I am saying regarding having to refer to their Master by name. I never do it. I choke up on it and it feels unnatural and wrong. Daddy suffered through a mostly boring brunch and managed to charm my work family. They like him. Daddy got to see me in a different light as well, with people that love and respect me. Way different setting that we are accustomed to.

We drove home and I just felt good. There were no awkward silences, or weird moments. I enjoyed the quiet comfort of being together. We click. He is so controlled, I made fun of him for having his hands at ten and two...he obviously paid attention in driver's ed (conversely, I steer with my knee while smoking a cig, chugging a latte, taking notes and talking on the phone.)

Upon arrival at my place, the mood changed. He loves that I objectify myself by wearing revealing outfits, having bleached blond hair, wear stilettos and have stripper pink and white nails. I tend to sexualize every conversation I have and he saw it in action today. He sees me for the born whore that I am and I am beginning to see myself in that way too.

I stripped down and we got under the covers. When he sticks his cock inside me it is like I am a computer and you hit CTL ALT DEL. I am reset. While using his holes he tells me how much he enjoys watching me being the trashy fuckhole I was intended to be. He gets me and I extend my neck to him. The only thing I have of value to offer Daddy is my life. It is his. He stopped fucking me and took his belt off of his pants and slipped it around my neck. He pulled taught on the belt and I struggled for breath as he fucked me hard. I struggled for air while constantly gazing in his eyes. I felt myself blacking out..."I'm going. Oh please Daddy!" Everything started to fade..it is a very odd sensation. All I could focus on was his eyes. I started to cum through the hazy darkness.

He's gone and I am reflecting. When I uttered the words, "oh please Daddy!" was I begging him to stop or begging him to go? I cannot imagine a better way to end things, my neck a gift of my life. My last vision his eyes. My last sensation his lips gently touching mine. Oh PLEASE Daddy.