if I should die before I wake...

Not saying I identify or anything.....wha? What do you want from a sex slave???

smell ya later

Well friends, it's been fun. I am no longer allowed to blog about my relationship with Daddy. He came over last night and told me that I can blog about topical things regarding submission in general but not our relationship. I think the goal is to no longer allow me anyplace to go with my negative shit I tend to vomit out. I can't say that I disagree with his logic.

In the meantime, I shared with him some of my not so snively and whiny writing from my old blog and some of my writing classes and he liked it! Very scary for me to do as he is a professional writer with several advanced degrees to back it up. He is going to mentor me in order to develop and hone those skills. Apparently, I am a natural satirist.

Over the last week Daddy has been making more demands on my time and structuring my life more. After our conversation last night that is going to continue to increase. He is at peace with how we are going to proceed together. We are both sailing into uncharted territories and have to try to see things with a fresh perspective.

To quote Fischerspooner, just let go....

and so it begins...

Doc and Kat will be here in an hour. Lunch then surprise shopping trip to pick up fetish stuff for her to wear tonight to the BDSM club Passive Arts. I am hoping to swing by Syren and pick up a latex tank top. Want a new look tonight for my 3some...

Bittersweet day. Saw pictures from my girlfriend from high school's wedding last weekend. The joy and love just ooze from them, as does her personality. Found out OldBoss still loves me last night. Would be a REALLY good decision on an intellectual basis to get with him. Which brings us to Daddy, who bailed on tonight. I am going out, again alone. I understand and respect his decision but it still is disappointing. I am pretty fucking sick of doing everything by myself. My problem, again to deal with on my own.

Saw Daddy for a half an hour this week. Not his fault but still a fact. We were chatting this morning and he said that he wasn't sure I understood what a watershed moment we had this week...I don't think that I do. He told me to go and is "confident you will share this experience with me. It will be as if I were there." No. It won't. I really don't understand his position that he is always with me. He isn't. "In spirit" is not the same. When spirit can spoon and fuck and bite and laugh and take out the garbage then we will talk. Now he went radio silent on chat...oh spirit, where are you? It isn't that I think out love is gone when we are apart but come on!

Do other women actually buy into that crap? It is almost like having a relationship with God who is everywhere at once and in everything although you can't see him or touch him. It is faith I guess. I don't believe in God as a threshold matter... Daddy just signed out of chat. No goodbye. Mean spirited.

I am trying to shake off this funk and get all bright and shiny. I actually think I may cry.

paridigms

"the easy way, the hard way, or the zombie way..." Daddy gave me my three paths to submission today. After our fight Tuesday he has been thinking about how to progress with me. He is not going to do anything in public with me until he is certain of my obedience.

He didn't want to take this route, but I have given him no choice. Disobedience will be met with isolation and severe beatings. If I am not going to submit out of love, he says fear is a workable solution. He is also looking into hypnosis and brainwashing. I am genuinely scared. "If you won't work with me as my partner, than I will teach you as my opponent, you will lose." I believe him.

He cares enough to do this. If he didn't care, I would be gonzo. I know I am frustrating as shit, willful, and the most trouble he has ever had. I enjoy being knocked around a bit, but I am by no means a pain slut. I better get my head out of my ass real quick like. I am scared to death. Which for me, is the only way out of this.

dreaded pop in

Shit. He came over. I look and feel like crap. My place looks like I had a Frat party. I look like I am a coke whore. Not a good thing. He didn't fuck me. Nuf said. My life fucking sucks heavy metal ass.

top chops

Daddy wanted to come over tonight. I am just not up to it. The residual shit from the massive panic attacks have left me barfing, headachy and genuinely not fit for public consumption. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.

He has backed out of our flesh pile I had set up for Saturday night after our fight. He's not feeling it, or me at the moment. My old Dom Doc and his delicious sub Kat (that I CANNOT wait to get my hands on!!) Daddy is insisting I still go. Been planning our attack on Kat tonight. It will be incredibly fun. She and I have this raw connection sexually, but I actually REALLY like her too. So important to me with someone I am fucking. She is texting me, the feeling is mutual. Have I mentioned she is the best kisser ever?

I am disappointed Daddy isn't going but his choice. I really don't know how many submissives set up orgies...maybe it is more common that I would have thought. In any event, I will be honing my "top chops" on Kat. We will be taking her shopping as she is totally vanilla. She doesn't have appropriate clothing for the clubs. Where we go next is still under debate. The Lair, Bar Sin....Passive Arts. Not sure. We got a hotel.

Daddy sent me this video last night. Beautiful lyrics that speak to me, "the things that you lose, you never have found," and "the deeper you dive the greater than heights." He could not move a business thing tomorrow night, I have another bday dinner Friday and then my 3some Saturday. I won't see him until Sunday. Another week passing without seeing him. FANFUCKINGTASTIC! We all know how well I do on my own. Good thing I feel like a total bucket of fuck or I would be really upset.

Daddy said tonight he is pissed I am doing this Saturday with Doc. I said I wouldn't go if I could see him. He is pissed as it is Doc and not him. There is always next Saturday...

dark star

Too good to be true. Had a fab night last night with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Looked completely drop dead amazeballs in a gold dress Daddy picked for me. My friends made my head spin with the love. Could not have been a nicer night, I floated home on the vibe.

Daddy and I started chatting, and we were both happy initially. Dark turn in the conversation and just the opposite. I get angry and lash out. There are some underlying issues that just piss me the fuck off and they come out. The argument escalated and it was vicious from my end.

I think we broke up today...then not. I don't know. I have no idea where we are except for not where we were yesterday. He doesn't trust me. Enough to end it right there. I should. I really really should. I threatened to email The One I Don't Like as I thought he was lying to her about being with me away last weekend. Needless to say, he doesn't negotiate with terrorists.

In the light of day I am ashamed of what I said. I am hurting and want to hurt him back. Faced with being without him (not to be trite) is like looking into the abyss. What now? He used words like martyr, toxic, tiresome, petty and jealous. Apparently I hen peck him and he is sick of my criticism of his life and his abilities.

Thin ice is where I find myself today. He wants to leave me. Again, I know he can find some dumb cunt to slap some latex on, smoke and take dick up the ass pretty easily, without my mouth. He is hurting too, he made himself vulnerable to me in the process. I am not your Acme slut. I know this. I require different tools than my predecessors. I hope we can work on our tool box together. If not, I'm not sure where that leaves me. A slut alone in the world, not good.

He asked why him? I have left every single man I have been with. I really had to think about that. I feel things with him I have never felt before. I am deeply in love, connected, in tune (for the most part,)challenged, valued, protected, motivated, energized, secure (for the most part.) He is genuinely frustrated, "why won't you let me take care of you?!?!?" I have never been taken care of. Never. I am holding back. Too good to be true.

tied up in knots

Back to reality. My birthday weekend could not have been more wonderful. Daddy picked me up Friday and after a quickie took me to parts unknown. I was given a guideline as to what to pack, but I was unsure our destination. The day was just beautiful here, sunny and warm. Our first stop was a boat trip whale watching! Just a glorious day and we had good luck seeing hump back whales and gray whales, huge pods of dolphin, porpoises, sea lions and pelicans. I actually shed some tears over the sheer beauty of it all. Daddy was more interesting than the paid tour, more knowledgeable. He would tell me some odd fact and then the tour guide would say the same thing, I would cut him a look and he would say, "I swear, I've never taken this tour before!" Perfect day.

We checked into a quaint hotel in Ventura off of the main drag. Darling downtown which has had a recent face-lift. Lots of cool bars and restaurants and I did love the people. Kind of a Berkley feel to it, with a lot of lesbians. I was hit on quite a bit, good thing Daddy was there to clue me in. As usual, I was blissfully unaware of any of that.

Wonderful food, latex, tons of use was the theme for the rest of the weekend. We had a nice time just being together. My gifts were very thoughtful, bath towels signifying the start of us building a home life together, a corset which will be more forgiving for everyday wear, a couple of bras we like...but most notably he gave me my new name.

We came back a bit early yesterday in order to have brunch with my gays. Daddy was indoctrinated. Not realizing I was out of town they had arranged a bday brunch in the Valley. He stayed for a while then left, presumably to be with one of his other bitches.

My magical princess Barbie weekend has ended. I came home to an empty apartment and woke up alone, again. I'm being hit hard and square with the reality shit stick this morning. Con calls then travel with a person I absolutely cannot stand. Worthless sales calls just to pacify him. Tonight, going to see Shitting Glitter with some of the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. As Amy Winehouse says, "run around so I don't have to think about thinking." That is when I make trouble for myself.

a slut amok

A side note. Daddy has been away since last Friday. We have talked briefly every day but I am feeling a bit raw and exposed. Do not like it at all. I've been running around making mayhem since he left. We set my couch on fire last night, just an example of why I should be supervised. I am feeling very much on my own right now. I really miss him and am surprised at how I am feeling. I long to hand everything over to him. How can he take control in our current situation? I need 24/7 tpe. I hate this. Feeling really vulnerable.

and away WeHo

Sadly, ABM is here (ass burn Monday.) Yesterday was a lovely day. Brunch with my Gay Husbands. We have dialed them back a bit as they were turning into epic ten hour long events. Too much booze and strippers. A fight ensued yesterday. My husband, Pony Princess was talking about interviewing Elvira, Mistress of the Night after the release of her second movie. Apparently, they became chummy and she invited him and another of my gays, NewOrleansGuy to her garage sale. NewOrleansGuy detailed all of his purchases at the garage sale, and had given Pony Princess a pair of Elvira's come fuck me platforms. In conversation, Pony Princess let it spill he had sold those shoes to an Elvira tranny impersonator for five hundred dollars. Seven years ago. NewOrleansGuy was obviously crushed by the news. Pony Princess turned to me and said, "in seven years I'll tell you how I fucked you over." Pony Princess is running for city council, his platform is keeping smoking legal on the patios of West Hollywood. He is one of my best friends and probably one of the most self-involved human beings I have ever met. I love that threatening to take away his ability to smoke while drinking is what motivates him to take civic action. Classic.

Stupidly, I was over the hill on Oscar day. Coming home, only six miles, it was evident what a mistake in judgement I had made. I crawled home, took me over an hour. GirlCrush was waiting for me at my door when I got here. Daddy had called and kept me company on the drive over the hill. He was laughing his ass off at my story about The Producer.

GirlCrush and I ordered Chinese and watched the Oscars. We drank some wine. I haven't been drinking at all but I did have a couple of glasses. We cuddled and were doing this odd nose rubbing thing, kissing. My crack head neighbor came over. I quit smoking but I let them both smoke in my place. Shouldn't have. They left at midnight and I was flipping channels on the tv and lay down on the sofa. It was really hot. I flipped over one of the pillows and it ignited. Fucking they caught my couch on fire!!! I tried beating it down but ended up having to put it under the sink.

I overslept this morning which I never do. Being a slut running wild is obviously not a good thing for me. Daddy told me next year I can come on this trip with him and The Other I Do Like. He didn't seem to think to invite me this year. I'm the newest one, the odd man out. Over time I suppose he will grow to think to include me too. Learning curves for everyone! In the meantime, I am just being me.

the final frontier

A rolling stone gathers no moss. That's me this weekend. Daddy is gone and I have booked myself solid. Having a hard time getting motivated to get all cute this morning. Brunch with my Gay Husbands then Oscars with the Kittens, GirlCrush and a couple of spare Gay Husbands.

Last night, I was set up on a blind date. One of my customers set me up with The Producer. He was having a party in Beverly Hills and she got me and GirlCrush on the guest list. Since the movie industry is small, I asked Daddy if he knew The Producer. He had known him for years and launched into a bunch of stories about how The Producer is a total tool. Actor, twin, big claim to fame was he played an alien on one episode of Star Trek, the Next Generation. Funniest part is that he wore a complete costume, head to toe and was a telepathic alien so he was virtually unrecognizable and didn't speak. He goes to Star Trek conventions and signs autographs. Pathetic. I told him I was being set up with him and he just laughed. He told me he was pulling rank, I was not allowed to get with The Producer although he didn't think I would want to after meeting him anyway. Boy was he right.

When I arrived at the party, there were only a handful of people there. I introduced myself to The Producer and he invited me to sit at his table. Shortly thereafter, he told me he had friends coming and suggested I get a table of my own. I was kicked out of his table which is enough of a slap in the face, but imagine how I felt when our seats were populated with very old, ridden hard and put away wet trannys!!!! Absolutely tragic women, 80s teased out hair, booty shorts, big fake tits. GirlCrush and I just laughed our asses off.

I ended up running into an old neighbor of mine, former Miss Wisconsin. She was there with her smoking hot son that she was pimping to me and GirlCrush. We ended up having a nice night. I did have a wardrobe malfunction. I was wearing this hot off the shoulder top and my boob decided it wanted to be part of the action. I just thought I was a sparkling conversationalist...lord knows how long I trotted around with my tit hanging out.

Been texting with Daddy. Sounds like he misses me which makes me feel good. It drove him bananas that I wore latex out to meet The Producer tool last night. "Fucking The Producer gets to see you in latex. I'd better hurry home." To which I replied, "Yes. I've never done twins before. Or aliens for that matter. Not that I can remember anyway."

fuck and talk and fight again

The last couple of days have been good for me. I have made no secret that I think polyamory is bullshit. I get what Daddy gets out of it but for me, not seeing why on earth I would agree to splitting one man's time and attention. I don't have to. A while back, he gave me the lay of the land and told me about his entanglements. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined, frankly I thought he was more of a mimbo than he is.

Over the last week I have had his phone. I snooped, read a text message from a woman named Mia...filled with "love you love you love you....great seeing you last week, craving you, kissing your hands" and the like. The love yous went both ways, and she was NOT one of the entanglements he had discussed with me. I was thinking he is not taking care of his current responsibilities and is now out creating a new relationship which will further suck his time and resources. How does this man get anything done with all of the sluts he juggles? I wished I hadn't read that as you cannot un-ring a bell. I am usually not a snoop but come on, how could you not??

Thursday when he was over, he told me that since he had met me he had only slept with me and The One I Don't Like. I paused as I didn't want to bring up this Mia thing. I wasn't proud of myself for snooping. I eventually confessed and he busted out laughing. He hasn't slept with her. She is someone he has been talking to for two years and she was a Domme. For some reason, she decided she would submit to him. According to him, she is bananas. His explanation made sense. He went further to tell me about other long term relationships he maintains. Friday he corrected himself and told me he had in fact slept with one of his other subs in the beginning of our relationship, one he had already told me about.

The more Daddy opens up to me and is forthcoming with details the happier I become. I can actually handle this. I can appreciate that it takes a good deal of trust to tell me these things. If we are to be true partners I think I require this level of disclosure. I know he is my Owner and owes me no explanation, but I really treasure that he cares enough to give me one. He pointed out I have had far more lovers than he since we met.

Something is changing with both of us. I don't think I can articulate what that is right now but I can say it is for the better. He's gone this week and I have a full dance card. I bought some new latex yesterday, I will post pics after next weekend as I don't want to spoil the surprise for Daddy. I am going to post a new Collarme profile this weekend identifying as a Domme. I really want this girlfriend thing to get rolling and I am not getting ANY nibbles on my current profiles. Daddy said he was waiting for me to come to the conclusion that I am a Domme with women. He knew but wanted me to see myself as that. Scab and heal and bleed again...I find this song is quite apt for the current situation.

send off

Had lunch with The One I Don't Like today. I have to say, she was communicative and less creepy than I found her the last time. I wasn't sure what to expect. Don't think Daddy was either, told me yesterday, "if things go poorly at lunch at least try to have some fun with it." Rather uneventful if a bit boring. She is socially awkward but we found some common interests to talk about. I'm glad there was no freak out or emotional trauma. I am relieved I don't have a better story from lunch.

Daddy came over last night. He had just come from a meeting and looked very handsome, black button down, jacket, jeans and black loafers. Daddy doesn't pay much attention to his clothing. Not saying he looks like a dork when I see him, but I do enjoy seeing him a bit fancy. There was that unfortunate red and white striped shirt incident...I'm still trying to block out that memory.

We went to dinner then came home and went directly to bed. Something was brewing with Daddy last night and the use was even more intense than usual. I got the belt, new one. Even more stingy than the last if that were possible. He flipped me over and fucked his pussy. He bit my neck, my ears, my cheeks, my lips. There was a deep fire burning in him last night. Of course, my body responded by further surrendering with every bite and blow. Multiple hits to the face which set my ears ringing and were punctuated by a flash of white light in my head. He pulled my hair and wrapped his hands around my neck demanding I cum over and over. It is an intoxicating meld of our bodies each feeding off the other. He spit in my mouth and I lapped it up hungrily. It was exceptionally raw and honest. He dumped his sperm into me and he lay on top of me, both of us sweaty, exhausted and sated.

We cuddled in bed for the rest of the night. Daddy has been thinking a lot about us this last week. He says I fill a void for him, I complete him. He is feeling protective and a wee bit jealous (unusual for him.) Trust and love him and he promises he will work everything out. I am owned and will never have to worry about the future again, that is his job. He has opened up to me in a way he has never done to a submissive and he is feeling vulnerable also. He wants us to be wrinkly old prunes together, both with busted hips from years of fucking and a lifetime of cherished memories and moments to share. He actually got welled up, touched me in a really deep place. I think he may actually love me.

He fucked me up the ass. I just lay still and took his cock. I arch my back and pressed my cheek against his. I am his whore. Undeniable and a magical place to be. We are making progress. We both feel it. This is something special.

We got dressed and shared some tea. I won't see him for a week. He is going away with his brother. One week from today we are leaving for a long weekend to celebrate my birthday. I can't wait. We stood looking at one another through the screen door, Daddy saying he didn't want to leave me. Maybe one day, he won't have to.

Cuddled and Coddled

I love it when Doc visits! Friendships like these are rare and I am blessed I can say I have a few of them. People that have picked through your brains and guts and still love you. There is a lot of secrecy one has to keep when you are in a D/s relationship and finding those safe havens where you can talk about anything without judgement is pretty fucking awesome.

Everything was discussed, turned over and inspected from every angle. It is a true friend that can hold a mirror up and show you things you may not want to recognize in yourself, both the good and the bad. Doc has known me for years and is a very honest touchstone for me. We lay in bed cuddling and laughing our asses off at the absurd nature of our situations. It is our opportunity to lay down our burdens and laugh at ourselves. Very special.

This month is starting out with a bang and will likely be very busy. It is my birthday month and I have a lot of visitors coming into town. Bracing myself for the flurry of activity that is sure to ensue.

Daddy has seemed very down over the last couple of days. I can feel it. I am worried about him and wish there were some way I could help him carry his load (rather than take is as I usually do.) Frustrating not to be able to help. I will just try not to add to his problems. Makes me sad too.

words

Maybe I am just a freak but to me, words matter. Daddy is a skilled wordsmith and that is just one of the things that appeals to me about him. So sluts, let me ask you a question...am I just fucked in the head because I HATE it when he uses trite short hand to talk to me?

In earlier posts I have talked about my desire to have an authentic relationship with him within this poly construct. I have told him before that I really don't care for it when he sends me what I consider to be carbon copy statements that flow with such ease it is obvious that he says these things to everyone. For example, "craving you," "Kissing your head," "rubbing your nipples..." You get the idea. Is it wrong I seek to find a unique way for us to interact? Something that is special between the two of us? He didn't like it when I asked him not to say these things to me anymore. He accused me of being drunk for expressing my wishes. I wasn't, I just hate it.

It is also like saying, "I love you." For me, those words flowed too easily and soon in this relationship. Those are powerful words that I think should be earned. Early on we discussed this and I know that the easier love is to give, the easier it is to take away. There needs to be a foundation built for me before I say these things. Additionally, care should be used when saying them. I have been in long lasting relationships in the past where "I love you" becomes a substitute for conversation and thrown around without any thought. I vowed I would never find myself in that situation again. When I say it, I mean it.

I just don't want out relationship to become like an Andy Warhol painting. Any creativity, uniqueness, originality stamped out and our relationship indistinguishable from the many he has had before. Perhaps others are happy lapping up these platitudes, but I expect more. Perhaps how I told him was a mistake, but I think I should have told him. Guess that is what you get when you are with a communication theory major.