Turn and face the strange.......

There are things in my life that I do which do not serve me well, and if they don't serve me, they most certainly do not serve Daddy. I smoke and tried on my own to stop...unsuccessfully. Daddy has been monitoring my smoking and diminishing how many cigarettes I can have at varying intervals. I am allowed 12 a day now. This is like slooooowwwllyyy pulling off a band-aid. I hate that I have no impulse control and cannot just stop. Partying is another activity which falls under this umbrella. I go out and I drink. It seems that alcohol is at the core of all the activities my friends and I do. With the short week next week, all of my friends are wanting to hook up and go out. I have invitations for every day next week.

I made a bold statement to Daddy. I am going to detox.

He laughed, he thinks I am incapable of doing this. I actually do this at different points when I feel I have been out of control. I just shut it down completely. The first couple of days suck, I tend to sit in the fetal position on my couch but then it just becomes normal and boring. I go out and drink seltzer. Not very fun, but definitely cheaper than my lifestyle has been of late.

I have been feeling so tired and have developed a deep and resonant hack which is disgusting. It is time I lay these things down, especially the cigs. Doc commented on how thin I am but I lack definition. I want my body back, I had Madonna thighs and cut up arms and abs last summer. I want to show Daddy that I can be a good girl and anticipate the changes that he would like to see made. Most importantly, that I can control myself. Sunday brunch time with my gays....God I want Eggs Benedict and a bloody!

Elements in Harmony, blinded me with science....

Mother Nature is a fickle bitch. Not only did Aunt Flo descend on both myself and Kat, she also has a very bad case of the flu which thwarted our weekend plans with Doc. Doc decided to come over here for the night. I made him red curry mussels which were delicious and we drank wine and talked while fending off delirious fever fueled texts from a very sick Kat.

Everybody that meets Doc thinks that we should be together, and they tell us both. Over my birthday last year we had the conversation about why we just couldn't get it together and just BE together. The answer is simple, no chemistry. Mechanically everything works, he is a phenom with the ropes, we both get off when we fuck but it just is blah. It only took us eight years to put our finger on the problem. He is my family by choice and we love each other in spite of knowing every single dirty secret the other one possesses. He is my pudding, not my mate.

This morning, Doc and I went to breakfast with Daddy. Just sitting next to Daddy in the restaurant it took every ounce of self-control I have not to pounce on him. I'm not sure if this makes any sense but I can just FEEL the space between us...electrical. Our knees were touching under the table and from that tiny bit of contact my heart was racing and my skin was burning for more. Daddy was looking at me and I was immediately shy, I just couldn't look back. He has a hold over me that transcends consent, it is more of Mother Nature's wiley ways. I just am his. It is natural and as it should be. Ineffable.

Having two men that I love so much meet and get along means the world to me. I haven't had a chance to talk to Daddy but Doc gave his stamp of approval going as far as to tell me, "don't fuck this up. He is really good for you and just what you need. Stop thinking about it and just do it." Doc went further to say that in our eight year friendship he had only known me to be in love once, which he knew wouldn't work as it was a vanilla relationship. "This will work." HUGE snaps from Doc.

Kat sent more delusional texts to us today trying to lure us into her swine flu infestation zone. As much as I am disappointed, I really don't want to be tonguing the outbreak monkey so we passed. All good things in all good time. I will have to remember that with Daddy as well.

down the rabbit hole

People have been commenting on how good I look this week. Rested, relaxed. I have fought Daddy every step of the way, my nerves have been shot. I've been smoking too much, partying too much and whoring around too much as a coping mechanism. Something has changed, and I can feel it.

Descending into this level of submission is uncharted waters for the girl here. I am stubborn and proud which has created drama and problems. The prospect of losing autonomy, changing my behavior and wrapping my head around this unique type of relationship has be frightening to me.

One of my personal anthems is Joni Mitchell's All I Want and I have been thinking about a lyric which is apt for my internal turmoil, "I love you when I forget about me." Daddy has repeatedly told me to focus on service and not on me me me. This message clicked somehow this week, honestly, I think it was the second he landed the blow to my cheek last weekend. I am owned, I am his.....if he didn't care he wouldn't go to the trouble of correcting me.

He can feel the change in me too. The time we have spent together this week has been magical. We say things at the same time, have the same thoughts, I intuit him. I am becoming part of him. As a result, the intimacy we share is intensifying and going to some dark places. The boundaries that seemed so certain and clear are blurred. I WANT to share these things with him. The depth, the passion, the fire is surprising us both and is intoxicating.

We began the process of inducing lactation this week as well. I began taking Fenugreek, eating oatmeal, massaging my breasts several times a day. Daddy ordered a pump which will hopefully come soon. As I massage my tits the arousal is unbearable. I cannot wait to be his dairy cow and have a use for these things. Feeding him from my body is such an erotic concept. I fantasize about weaving daisies in my hair, bell around my neck, Daddy at my breast. I want to be the most beautiful cow he has ever seen.

back to center

Things are stabilizing. This is a good thing. I had a rock star weekend, highlight being spending Saturday night with Daddy. We had some business to take care of, namely a hard back hand to the face and discussion of why my behavior last week was unacceptable. I sported a nice bruise on my face but I could not complain, I had earned it. Daddy had several ideas of things to do but we ended up leaving my bed only to get dinner. It was a nice night. He fucked me until I literally had matts in my hair.

I spent Monday attending a work event with him. I enjoy being in his presence. I love watching him interact with other people. I am proud to be on his arm with a plug shoved deep in my ass as a reminder I am owned.

I was invited to go to another work related event tonight with him. I will likely go as I am not going to see him again until next week. I enjoy the vanilla times I get to spend with Daddy and the conversations about normal things. I just have to trust and not let my fear and anxiety get in the way. Thankfully, he isn't letting me go.....this process will be only as bumpy and painful as I make it.

I am spending this weekend with my old Dom Doc and one of his toys, Kat. She is the first and only woman I have been with. I have to admit, I have quite a crush on her. We are spending the weekend at her house hot tubbing, eating, drinking wine and having a weekend of non-stop sex. I'm excited as Doc is like salve on every wound to me....we have been best friends for eight years and Kat is well.....sexy and as inexperienced as I am with the girl on girl stuff. I am hoping to hone some lezzie chops with her help. I was hoping to include Daddy in the flesh pile, but it is Doc's party and he didn't feel comfortable having not met him and knowing if there is any chemistry. Next time.......

lesbe friends

2 AM. I just got home from a night with my kittens (lesbians that adore me.)



I met Gaypril tonight. I must wear "submissive" on my forehead. Gaypril is Asian and I am normally not into ethnic types by she was cool as hell. She literally is a rocket sceintist. We geeked out. Oh yes, she is also a semi pro Domme.

OMG, we geeked the fuck out



I like her a lot.

The Fear

What a difference a day makes. When I am upset, I just shut down. I know I have a very sharp tongue on me so I just don't talk. Experience has taught me that I cannot control the vicious things that fly out of my mouth so it's best to just go silent. Well, this is a problem for Daddy and understandably so. I am feeling much better today, that ache in my stomach is dissipating but now I have an ache in my heart.

I have disappointed him and he has cancelled plans to have me meet his other submissive, I'm not ready. I have to say, I do agree with him here. We have recently gotten back together after a break-up. I am still concerned that our relationship is built on a house of cards. He did not keep his word to me this week and when I don't see him I become off-center. I want us to be strong together before he plunges me into unfamiliar territory. I think he often overestimates my capabilities as a slave. Physically I am adept but there is so much foreign emotional territory which I do not know how to deal with. I am not accustomed to being emotional and I hate it.

I feel that we have taken a step back in our journey. I am sad but I don't know how I could have handled things differently. I don't have the tools.

Last night, I went to WeHo for a CD release party for some of my friends. I took my GirlCrush and my fuck buddy PopStar. We got drunk and I danced it out. A little sex candy didn't hurt either. I don't want to have to turn to others for comfort, I want Daddy to be the source of that. He is doubting me and now that is feeding every fear I have. The sense of loss is overwhelming. I had better figure this out quickly or he will just go and make another me.

puzzle pieces.......

A slut with needs. This has been a concept I have been tossing around in my head all week. Does submission mean that one is no longer to have their needs met in the relationship? At the core, we are human beings first and certain things are non-negotiable such as breathing (which can be interrupted for short periods of time by our Doms, yum!) As I try to wrap my head around this polyamory stuff I tend to get very pragmatic about my position and how my needs can be met long-term.

Spelunking my brain for my psych 101 class, I remembered Mazlo's hierarchy of needs. As I study the triangle above, it occurs to me I am meeting every single one of those needs on my own today. (With the sex part I get by with a little help from my friends.) Recognizing that I am a pretty highly functional human being first and submissive second, it begs the question how does this relationship stand to improve any of those blocks on the chart.

Daddy told me there is a benefit to me in this situation....I asked him what it was. "You have a family." I already have a family. Additionally, I had no desire to live in my sorority house when I was in one because frankly, groups of women together is a nightmare. As much as I love him, this prospect does not appeal to me in the least. I am struggling with my desire to be with him and a willingness to continue down a path which is his fetish, not even remotely mine.

I know I am freaking out. Triggered first by seeing a pic of another one of his submissives, the one I am to meet Saturday. Second, by not seeing him at all this week.....he didn't keep his word to me. And finally finding out last night that this submissive is moving into a condo he owns directly across the street from where he shares his home with another, they have been together 2 1/2 years. I should not have a constant pit in my stomach.

Daddy has accused me of coming from a place of insecurity. Maybe. As I get more and more pieces of this puzzle (dished out at a painstakingly slow pace) I am seeing a future that does not look very promising. I would NEVER be that chick that has been sitting around waiting for something to move forward for nearly three years. I don't want to be strung along with hollow promises that he is unable to keep and end up living alone for the rest of my life. As Mae West said, "an ounce of performance is worth a pound of promises."

He is angry with me for pulling away. His feelings are waning with my sadness. All I know is I haven't slept, I chain smoked a pack of cigarettes last night and have been alone all week. I am so tired of sleeping in a cold empty bed every single night. Polyamory is fun isn't it?

Smolder....

Well I was made to write my thoughts on focusing outward today....I am sure this is NOT the right answer, only the truthful one. Thoughts?

Turning inward is something I often do when life becomes too much and I need to self-soothe, cocooning. I have been alone for such a long time. Living for yourself sounds great on paper, but in practice is unfulfilling. I have been a hedonistic slut running amok for a while now. I am out of control and crave to be reined in. Don't get me wrong, it has been a fun time and I have met amazing people and have had wonderful experiences but in the end it is shallow. The fact that I am focused internally rather than externally has been a coping mechanism. I plan. I party. I go out because I just don't want to be alone, and don't have to be.

Learning to focus externally is proving to be a challenge. I am not one that will suffer and wear that as a badge of submissive courage as so many others will. I am not submissive to become more isolated and lonely. I do not Dom myself and submission in a vacuum is not submission to me, just stupidity. As the relationship with Daddy progresses, I am given more tasks to focus on. We see each other more frequently. I am offered many opportunities to focus outward, and think about him. I am sure as we continue down this path, more of my actions will be tailored to his needs providing more opportunity to serve. Eventually it will be woven into everything I do and everything I think. He has told me more than once to focus on the process.

Patience is something Daddy told me I lack. I know I race for the finish line.....it is the same compulsion which made my copy of Judy Blume's 'Forever' flop open to all of the dirty parts as a pubescent girl. Aren't a lot of us sluts adrenaline junkies? Daddy wants to both put his hands in the flame and beat it down. There is a happy medium there somewhere, smolder perhaps. Patience is a two-way street (preparing for a face slap for that cheeky remark!)

My ability to be altruistic is unparalleled although it is unlikely I will find nirvana balling a pair of socks (isn't that why God made domestics?) My hope is Daddy gives me the time and the environment to cultivate this part of me. As Jim Elliot said, "He is no fool who gives that which he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." I am willing to give everything on faith.

Big Love

That familiar wave of sick washed over me today when I was confronted with something I really didn't want to see. Daddy is a polygamist, I knew this going in and was cause for MAJOR concern for me entering into this relationship. I was looking for a Clyde to my Bonnie.....a partner in crime with whom I can share the most intimate of relationships. Sharing my Dom physically with others has never been an issue with me but this is different. He develops emotional connections and long-term partners. This has been a huge hurdle for me to overcome. So today, Daddy and I make plans to go to an erotic art showing this Saturday together....then he drops the bomb. He is inviting another one of his submissives to join us. Knowing this is occurring on an intellectual level is one thing but when he sent me her pictures the reality of my situation came down on me like a ton of bricks. I started shaking and broke out in a cold sweat. In the picture, she is wearing a collar (I don't have one of those,) latex....doing things that I know Daddy finds erotic. I wanted to cry. We talked and I told him my thoughts, I am not unique nor special and this cannot go anywhere. It cheapens the experiences I have had with him because they are not organic or specific to me. The visual documentation saddened me. He reassured me that this was his way of further integrating me into his life. He is sharing with me and I am becoming more deeply woven into his life. That he would entrust me with this is a sign he is pleased with me, and in some ways (sic) I am already primary in his heart yet I see it in a negative and opposite fashion. I can't help but wonder if he is saying the same to her. I am trying to adapt with equanimity but some things are harder to swallow than others. Today was a toughie for the girl here.

Enema dependence

Daddy intends to take everything away from me, and I mean EVERYTHING. I will be dismantled stone by stone and rebuilt as a tailor made whore. If it doesn't serve him, it has to go. Surprisingly to me, bodily functions fall into this category. My initial response to his news that we would begin to develop enema dependence was, hellzzzzzzzzz no! This is permanent. Hard core. The process is simple; administering a warm water enema every third day until I can no longer eliminate without them. The purpose is equally simple; make my ass clean and available at all times and deepen my submission with this alteration. Of course, I acquiesced. I started the enema regimen and then told him. He was very pleased with me. It's funny how things work, the more my submission is expressed, the greater his devotion to enslaving me. THAT is the drug right there, swoon. I just finished my sixth round and it seems to be working. I am taking these things like a champ! So far, I have experienced no ill effects. If anything the process is driving me deeper into my commitment to him. There will be a point of no return with this and I am willingly pushing past it.

Shopping! My fav!

Happy slut! What a wonderful day I had today with Daddy. He surprised me by being available a couple of hours early and took me to lunch. We went to the Los Angeles institution, Phillipe's where the french dip was invented. Long line waiting, but I didn't mind. Daddy helped pass the time by rocking the plug embedded deep in my raw ass and clutching handfuls of my skin through my dress. Leisurely lunch followed by a trip to J.T.'s Stockroom. We were shopping for the perfect plug, silicone based and intended for long term wear. I am a picky slut when it comes to plugs and we found one that is very close...we shall see how it fares over time. So far, I am pleased with the wearability. I also tried on a few latex pieces. I have never worn latex so this was exciting for me. He picked a black latex skirt as my first piece. I tried on another dress which he loved, but it was a tad too small and I looked something like a sausage stuffed in a casing. He paid for our stuff and we came back to my apartment.

I was stripped and made to lay on the bed with my arms behind my neck and knees parted. Daddy took off his belt, that bloody belt! I was aware I still had a decent bruise on my mons from last Thursday so I winced before the first blow was stricken. I am trying to work on the defensive posturing, but it is so difficult not to want to cover my tender underbelly from the full force lashes on my tits, belly, pussy and inner thighs. I was stripey like some weird pink and white zebra. Daddy mounted me and stuck his cock into his pussy. When I feel his cock slip in, I immediately feel centered and safe. He fucked me hard and covered my mouth and nose. I have a horrible time with that and I clawed his hands off of my face. My action was met with several hard and sharp cracks to my face. I was warned, "If you ever move my hand away again slut, I will leave you. Understand?" He wrapped his hand around my throat and told me to cum or black out. I don't know how to cum on command....that is not a factory installed feature. He asked, "which will it be whore?" and I told him I didn't know how to so black out...he tapped my head and told me it was all up there. I focused and felt the pressure increase on my neck, it was a race against the clock. SOMEHOW I managed to cum. There is a point when Daddy is using me when I cannot tell where I stop and he starts. I feel as if I am a part of him and am a feral sex slave. I just take the cock, as simple as that. He flipped me over, yanked the plug out of my ass then fucked that hole. He pressed his cheek to mine and talked to me. I hungered for his kisses and love feeling his breath on my face. Again, I could not tell where my body ended and his began. He told me I would become a part of him and it is so evident when he is fucking me. He rode me hard and came. He lay on top of me and told me to feel his cum pumping into my body. Feel it fill me up. We lay there for a while. It was delicious. I cuddled in his arms for a while. Quiet, close, safe. I love him.

Daddy had to go to a work function tonight so he had to leave. Bittersweet as I feel sore in all the right places and so happy...but wondering when I will get to see him again. This is the hardest part for me. Daddy is busy and has God knows how many other sluts to attend to so I don't get to see him as often as I would like. Countdown to subdrop........

Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride....

I have had many BDSM relationships of varying intensities over the years. The body has been easy to give, the heart to some, but I have never been able to give my mind. When I think about some of the Doms I have been with, they have been overweight, not had a pot to piss in, drink too much or are rash and emotional. Why would I entrust my life to someone that clearly cannot manage their own? Master C has now changed this. I am on the precipice of my own destruction, and I welcome it. We are at the beginning of our relationship and I wanted to document the journey. It has been an incredibly hard internal struggle for me to get to this place. This is not play, there is no time-out, no safeword...this is real genuINE TPE. According to Master, there is his way and everything else falls under the category "Tough Shit." This is the control I have craved my entire life. I will have to leave my musings until another time...Daddy called and is coming early to take me to lunch! I have to go get ready!