if I should die before I wake...

Not saying I identify or anything.....wha? What do you want from a sex slave???

smell ya later

Well friends, it's been fun. I am no longer allowed to blog about my relationship with Daddy. He came over last night and told me that I can blog about topical things regarding submission in general but not our relationship. I think the goal is to no longer allow me anyplace to go with my negative shit I tend to vomit out. I can't say that I disagree with his logic.

In the meantime, I shared with him some of my not so snively and whiny writing from my old blog and some of my writing classes and he liked it! Very scary for me to do as he is a professional writer with several advanced degrees to back it up. He is going to mentor me in order to develop and hone those skills. Apparently, I am a natural satirist.

Over the last week Daddy has been making more demands on my time and structuring my life more. After our conversation last night that is going to continue to increase. He is at peace with how we are going to proceed together. We are both sailing into uncharted territories and have to try to see things with a fresh perspective.

To quote Fischerspooner, just let go....

and so it begins...

Doc and Kat will be here in an hour. Lunch then surprise shopping trip to pick up fetish stuff for her to wear tonight to the BDSM club Passive Arts. I am hoping to swing by Syren and pick up a latex tank top. Want a new look tonight for my 3some...

Bittersweet day. Saw pictures from my girlfriend from high school's wedding last weekend. The joy and love just ooze from them, as does her personality. Found out OldBoss still loves me last night. Would be a REALLY good decision on an intellectual basis to get with him. Which brings us to Daddy, who bailed on tonight. I am going out, again alone. I understand and respect his decision but it still is disappointing. I am pretty fucking sick of doing everything by myself. My problem, again to deal with on my own.

Saw Daddy for a half an hour this week. Not his fault but still a fact. We were chatting this morning and he said that he wasn't sure I understood what a watershed moment we had this week...I don't think that I do. He told me to go and is "confident you will share this experience with me. It will be as if I were there." No. It won't. I really don't understand his position that he is always with me. He isn't. "In spirit" is not the same. When spirit can spoon and fuck and bite and laugh and take out the garbage then we will talk. Now he went radio silent on chat...oh spirit, where are you? It isn't that I think out love is gone when we are apart but come on!

Do other women actually buy into that crap? It is almost like having a relationship with God who is everywhere at once and in everything although you can't see him or touch him. It is faith I guess. I don't believe in God as a threshold matter... Daddy just signed out of chat. No goodbye. Mean spirited.

I am trying to shake off this funk and get all bright and shiny. I actually think I may cry.

paridigms

"the easy way, the hard way, or the zombie way..." Daddy gave me my three paths to submission today. After our fight Tuesday he has been thinking about how to progress with me. He is not going to do anything in public with me until he is certain of my obedience.

He didn't want to take this route, but I have given him no choice. Disobedience will be met with isolation and severe beatings. If I am not going to submit out of love, he says fear is a workable solution. He is also looking into hypnosis and brainwashing. I am genuinely scared. "If you won't work with me as my partner, than I will teach you as my opponent, you will lose." I believe him.

He cares enough to do this. If he didn't care, I would be gonzo. I know I am frustrating as shit, willful, and the most trouble he has ever had. I enjoy being knocked around a bit, but I am by no means a pain slut. I better get my head out of my ass real quick like. I am scared to death. Which for me, is the only way out of this.

dreaded pop in

Shit. He came over. I look and feel like crap. My place looks like I had a Frat party. I look like I am a coke whore. Not a good thing. He didn't fuck me. Nuf said. My life fucking sucks heavy metal ass.

top chops

Daddy wanted to come over tonight. I am just not up to it. The residual shit from the massive panic attacks have left me barfing, headachy and genuinely not fit for public consumption. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.

He has backed out of our flesh pile I had set up for Saturday night after our fight. He's not feeling it, or me at the moment. My old Dom Doc and his delicious sub Kat (that I CANNOT wait to get my hands on!!) Daddy is insisting I still go. Been planning our attack on Kat tonight. It will be incredibly fun. She and I have this raw connection sexually, but I actually REALLY like her too. So important to me with someone I am fucking. She is texting me, the feeling is mutual. Have I mentioned she is the best kisser ever?

I am disappointed Daddy isn't going but his choice. I really don't know how many submissives set up orgies...maybe it is more common that I would have thought. In any event, I will be honing my "top chops" on Kat. We will be taking her shopping as she is totally vanilla. She doesn't have appropriate clothing for the clubs. Where we go next is still under debate. The Lair, Bar Sin....Passive Arts. Not sure. We got a hotel.

Daddy sent me this video last night. Beautiful lyrics that speak to me, "the things that you lose, you never have found," and "the deeper you dive the greater than heights." He could not move a business thing tomorrow night, I have another bday dinner Friday and then my 3some Saturday. I won't see him until Sunday. Another week passing without seeing him. FANFUCKINGTASTIC! We all know how well I do on my own. Good thing I feel like a total bucket of fuck or I would be really upset.

Daddy said tonight he is pissed I am doing this Saturday with Doc. I said I wouldn't go if I could see him. He is pissed as it is Doc and not him. There is always next Saturday...

dark star

Too good to be true. Had a fab night last night with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Looked completely drop dead amazeballs in a gold dress Daddy picked for me. My friends made my head spin with the love. Could not have been a nicer night, I floated home on the vibe.

Daddy and I started chatting, and we were both happy initially. Dark turn in the conversation and just the opposite. I get angry and lash out. There are some underlying issues that just piss me the fuck off and they come out. The argument escalated and it was vicious from my end.

I think we broke up today...then not. I don't know. I have no idea where we are except for not where we were yesterday. He doesn't trust me. Enough to end it right there. I should. I really really should. I threatened to email The One I Don't Like as I thought he was lying to her about being with me away last weekend. Needless to say, he doesn't negotiate with terrorists.

In the light of day I am ashamed of what I said. I am hurting and want to hurt him back. Faced with being without him (not to be trite) is like looking into the abyss. What now? He used words like martyr, toxic, tiresome, petty and jealous. Apparently I hen peck him and he is sick of my criticism of his life and his abilities.

Thin ice is where I find myself today. He wants to leave me. Again, I know he can find some dumb cunt to slap some latex on, smoke and take dick up the ass pretty easily, without my mouth. He is hurting too, he made himself vulnerable to me in the process. I am not your Acme slut. I know this. I require different tools than my predecessors. I hope we can work on our tool box together. If not, I'm not sure where that leaves me. A slut alone in the world, not good.

He asked why him? I have left every single man I have been with. I really had to think about that. I feel things with him I have never felt before. I am deeply in love, connected, in tune (for the most part,)challenged, valued, protected, motivated, energized, secure (for the most part.) He is genuinely frustrated, "why won't you let me take care of you?!?!?" I have never been taken care of. Never. I am holding back. Too good to be true.

tied up in knots

Back to reality. My birthday weekend could not have been more wonderful. Daddy picked me up Friday and after a quickie took me to parts unknown. I was given a guideline as to what to pack, but I was unsure our destination. The day was just beautiful here, sunny and warm. Our first stop was a boat trip whale watching! Just a glorious day and we had good luck seeing hump back whales and gray whales, huge pods of dolphin, porpoises, sea lions and pelicans. I actually shed some tears over the sheer beauty of it all. Daddy was more interesting than the paid tour, more knowledgeable. He would tell me some odd fact and then the tour guide would say the same thing, I would cut him a look and he would say, "I swear, I've never taken this tour before!" Perfect day.

We checked into a quaint hotel in Ventura off of the main drag. Darling downtown which has had a recent face-lift. Lots of cool bars and restaurants and I did love the people. Kind of a Berkley feel to it, with a lot of lesbians. I was hit on quite a bit, good thing Daddy was there to clue me in. As usual, I was blissfully unaware of any of that.

Wonderful food, latex, tons of use was the theme for the rest of the weekend. We had a nice time just being together. My gifts were very thoughtful, bath towels signifying the start of us building a home life together, a corset which will be more forgiving for everyday wear, a couple of bras we like...but most notably he gave me my new name.

We came back a bit early yesterday in order to have brunch with my gays. Daddy was indoctrinated. Not realizing I was out of town they had arranged a bday brunch in the Valley. He stayed for a while then left, presumably to be with one of his other bitches.

My magical princess Barbie weekend has ended. I came home to an empty apartment and woke up alone, again. I'm being hit hard and square with the reality shit stick this morning. Con calls then travel with a person I absolutely cannot stand. Worthless sales calls just to pacify him. Tonight, going to see Shitting Glitter with some of the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. As Amy Winehouse says, "run around so I don't have to think about thinking." That is when I make trouble for myself.

a slut amok

A side note. Daddy has been away since last Friday. We have talked briefly every day but I am feeling a bit raw and exposed. Do not like it at all. I've been running around making mayhem since he left. We set my couch on fire last night, just an example of why I should be supervised. I am feeling very much on my own right now. I really miss him and am surprised at how I am feeling. I long to hand everything over to him. How can he take control in our current situation? I need 24/7 tpe. I hate this. Feeling really vulnerable.

and away WeHo

Sadly, ABM is here (ass burn Monday.) Yesterday was a lovely day. Brunch with my Gay Husbands. We have dialed them back a bit as they were turning into epic ten hour long events. Too much booze and strippers. A fight ensued yesterday. My husband, Pony Princess was talking about interviewing Elvira, Mistress of the Night after the release of her second movie. Apparently, they became chummy and she invited him and another of my gays, NewOrleansGuy to her garage sale. NewOrleansGuy detailed all of his purchases at the garage sale, and had given Pony Princess a pair of Elvira's come fuck me platforms. In conversation, Pony Princess let it spill he had sold those shoes to an Elvira tranny impersonator for five hundred dollars. Seven years ago. NewOrleansGuy was obviously crushed by the news. Pony Princess turned to me and said, "in seven years I'll tell you how I fucked you over." Pony Princess is running for city council, his platform is keeping smoking legal on the patios of West Hollywood. He is one of my best friends and probably one of the most self-involved human beings I have ever met. I love that threatening to take away his ability to smoke while drinking is what motivates him to take civic action. Classic.

Stupidly, I was over the hill on Oscar day. Coming home, only six miles, it was evident what a mistake in judgement I had made. I crawled home, took me over an hour. GirlCrush was waiting for me at my door when I got here. Daddy had called and kept me company on the drive over the hill. He was laughing his ass off at my story about The Producer.

GirlCrush and I ordered Chinese and watched the Oscars. We drank some wine. I haven't been drinking at all but I did have a couple of glasses. We cuddled and were doing this odd nose rubbing thing, kissing. My crack head neighbor came over. I quit smoking but I let them both smoke in my place. Shouldn't have. They left at midnight and I was flipping channels on the tv and lay down on the sofa. It was really hot. I flipped over one of the pillows and it ignited. Fucking they caught my couch on fire!!! I tried beating it down but ended up having to put it under the sink.

I overslept this morning which I never do. Being a slut running wild is obviously not a good thing for me. Daddy told me next year I can come on this trip with him and The Other I Do Like. He didn't seem to think to invite me this year. I'm the newest one, the odd man out. Over time I suppose he will grow to think to include me too. Learning curves for everyone! In the meantime, I am just being me.

the final frontier

A rolling stone gathers no moss. That's me this weekend. Daddy is gone and I have booked myself solid. Having a hard time getting motivated to get all cute this morning. Brunch with my Gay Husbands then Oscars with the Kittens, GirlCrush and a couple of spare Gay Husbands.

Last night, I was set up on a blind date. One of my customers set me up with The Producer. He was having a party in Beverly Hills and she got me and GirlCrush on the guest list. Since the movie industry is small, I asked Daddy if he knew The Producer. He had known him for years and launched into a bunch of stories about how The Producer is a total tool. Actor, twin, big claim to fame was he played an alien on one episode of Star Trek, the Next Generation. Funniest part is that he wore a complete costume, head to toe and was a telepathic alien so he was virtually unrecognizable and didn't speak. He goes to Star Trek conventions and signs autographs. Pathetic. I told him I was being set up with him and he just laughed. He told me he was pulling rank, I was not allowed to get with The Producer although he didn't think I would want to after meeting him anyway. Boy was he right.

When I arrived at the party, there were only a handful of people there. I introduced myself to The Producer and he invited me to sit at his table. Shortly thereafter, he told me he had friends coming and suggested I get a table of my own. I was kicked out of his table which is enough of a slap in the face, but imagine how I felt when our seats were populated with very old, ridden hard and put away wet trannys!!!! Absolutely tragic women, 80s teased out hair, booty shorts, big fake tits. GirlCrush and I just laughed our asses off.

I ended up running into an old neighbor of mine, former Miss Wisconsin. She was there with her smoking hot son that she was pimping to me and GirlCrush. We ended up having a nice night. I did have a wardrobe malfunction. I was wearing this hot off the shoulder top and my boob decided it wanted to be part of the action. I just thought I was a sparkling conversationalist...lord knows how long I trotted around with my tit hanging out.

Been texting with Daddy. Sounds like he misses me which makes me feel good. It drove him bananas that I wore latex out to meet The Producer tool last night. "Fucking The Producer gets to see you in latex. I'd better hurry home." To which I replied, "Yes. I've never done twins before. Or aliens for that matter. Not that I can remember anyway."

fuck and talk and fight again

The last couple of days have been good for me. I have made no secret that I think polyamory is bullshit. I get what Daddy gets out of it but for me, not seeing why on earth I would agree to splitting one man's time and attention. I don't have to. A while back, he gave me the lay of the land and told me about his entanglements. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined, frankly I thought he was more of a mimbo than he is.

Over the last week I have had his phone. I snooped, read a text message from a woman named Mia...filled with "love you love you love you....great seeing you last week, craving you, kissing your hands" and the like. The love yous went both ways, and she was NOT one of the entanglements he had discussed with me. I was thinking he is not taking care of his current responsibilities and is now out creating a new relationship which will further suck his time and resources. How does this man get anything done with all of the sluts he juggles? I wished I hadn't read that as you cannot un-ring a bell. I am usually not a snoop but come on, how could you not??

Thursday when he was over, he told me that since he had met me he had only slept with me and The One I Don't Like. I paused as I didn't want to bring up this Mia thing. I wasn't proud of myself for snooping. I eventually confessed and he busted out laughing. He hasn't slept with her. She is someone he has been talking to for two years and she was a Domme. For some reason, she decided she would submit to him. According to him, she is bananas. His explanation made sense. He went further to tell me about other long term relationships he maintains. Friday he corrected himself and told me he had in fact slept with one of his other subs in the beginning of our relationship, one he had already told me about.

The more Daddy opens up to me and is forthcoming with details the happier I become. I can actually handle this. I can appreciate that it takes a good deal of trust to tell me these things. If we are to be true partners I think I require this level of disclosure. I know he is my Owner and owes me no explanation, but I really treasure that he cares enough to give me one. He pointed out I have had far more lovers than he since we met.

Something is changing with both of us. I don't think I can articulate what that is right now but I can say it is for the better. He's gone this week and I have a full dance card. I bought some new latex yesterday, I will post pics after next weekend as I don't want to spoil the surprise for Daddy. I am going to post a new Collarme profile this weekend identifying as a Domme. I really want this girlfriend thing to get rolling and I am not getting ANY nibbles on my current profiles. Daddy said he was waiting for me to come to the conclusion that I am a Domme with women. He knew but wanted me to see myself as that. Scab and heal and bleed again...I find this song is quite apt for the current situation.

send off

Had lunch with The One I Don't Like today. I have to say, she was communicative and less creepy than I found her the last time. I wasn't sure what to expect. Don't think Daddy was either, told me yesterday, "if things go poorly at lunch at least try to have some fun with it." Rather uneventful if a bit boring. She is socially awkward but we found some common interests to talk about. I'm glad there was no freak out or emotional trauma. I am relieved I don't have a better story from lunch.

Daddy came over last night. He had just come from a meeting and looked very handsome, black button down, jacket, jeans and black loafers. Daddy doesn't pay much attention to his clothing. Not saying he looks like a dork when I see him, but I do enjoy seeing him a bit fancy. There was that unfortunate red and white striped shirt incident...I'm still trying to block out that memory.

We went to dinner then came home and went directly to bed. Something was brewing with Daddy last night and the use was even more intense than usual. I got the belt, new one. Even more stingy than the last if that were possible. He flipped me over and fucked his pussy. He bit my neck, my ears, my cheeks, my lips. There was a deep fire burning in him last night. Of course, my body responded by further surrendering with every bite and blow. Multiple hits to the face which set my ears ringing and were punctuated by a flash of white light in my head. He pulled my hair and wrapped his hands around my neck demanding I cum over and over. It is an intoxicating meld of our bodies each feeding off the other. He spit in my mouth and I lapped it up hungrily. It was exceptionally raw and honest. He dumped his sperm into me and he lay on top of me, both of us sweaty, exhausted and sated.

We cuddled in bed for the rest of the night. Daddy has been thinking a lot about us this last week. He says I fill a void for him, I complete him. He is feeling protective and a wee bit jealous (unusual for him.) Trust and love him and he promises he will work everything out. I am owned and will never have to worry about the future again, that is his job. He has opened up to me in a way he has never done to a submissive and he is feeling vulnerable also. He wants us to be wrinkly old prunes together, both with busted hips from years of fucking and a lifetime of cherished memories and moments to share. He actually got welled up, touched me in a really deep place. I think he may actually love me.

He fucked me up the ass. I just lay still and took his cock. I arch my back and pressed my cheek against his. I am his whore. Undeniable and a magical place to be. We are making progress. We both feel it. This is something special.

We got dressed and shared some tea. I won't see him for a week. He is going away with his brother. One week from today we are leaving for a long weekend to celebrate my birthday. I can't wait. We stood looking at one another through the screen door, Daddy saying he didn't want to leave me. Maybe one day, he won't have to.

Cuddled and Coddled

I love it when Doc visits! Friendships like these are rare and I am blessed I can say I have a few of them. People that have picked through your brains and guts and still love you. There is a lot of secrecy one has to keep when you are in a D/s relationship and finding those safe havens where you can talk about anything without judgement is pretty fucking awesome.

Everything was discussed, turned over and inspected from every angle. It is a true friend that can hold a mirror up and show you things you may not want to recognize in yourself, both the good and the bad. Doc has known me for years and is a very honest touchstone for me. We lay in bed cuddling and laughing our asses off at the absurd nature of our situations. It is our opportunity to lay down our burdens and laugh at ourselves. Very special.

This month is starting out with a bang and will likely be very busy. It is my birthday month and I have a lot of visitors coming into town. Bracing myself for the flurry of activity that is sure to ensue.

Daddy has seemed very down over the last couple of days. I can feel it. I am worried about him and wish there were some way I could help him carry his load (rather than take is as I usually do.) Frustrating not to be able to help. I will just try not to add to his problems. Makes me sad too.

words

Maybe I am just a freak but to me, words matter. Daddy is a skilled wordsmith and that is just one of the things that appeals to me about him. So sluts, let me ask you a question...am I just fucked in the head because I HATE it when he uses trite short hand to talk to me?

In earlier posts I have talked about my desire to have an authentic relationship with him within this poly construct. I have told him before that I really don't care for it when he sends me what I consider to be carbon copy statements that flow with such ease it is obvious that he says these things to everyone. For example, "craving you," "Kissing your head," "rubbing your nipples..." You get the idea. Is it wrong I seek to find a unique way for us to interact? Something that is special between the two of us? He didn't like it when I asked him not to say these things to me anymore. He accused me of being drunk for expressing my wishes. I wasn't, I just hate it.

It is also like saying, "I love you." For me, those words flowed too easily and soon in this relationship. Those are powerful words that I think should be earned. Early on we discussed this and I know that the easier love is to give, the easier it is to take away. There needs to be a foundation built for me before I say these things. Additionally, care should be used when saying them. I have been in long lasting relationships in the past where "I love you" becomes a substitute for conversation and thrown around without any thought. I vowed I would never find myself in that situation again. When I say it, I mean it.

I just don't want out relationship to become like an Andy Warhol painting. Any creativity, uniqueness, originality stamped out and our relationship indistinguishable from the many he has had before. Perhaps others are happy lapping up these platitudes, but I expect more. Perhaps how I told him was a mistake, but I think I should have told him. Guess that is what you get when you are with a communication theory major.

missed the brass ring

Work night, feeling like whoring around a bit. Dinner invite from SoonToBeFamousGuy. Watching Diary of a Call Girl while getting ready. Why can I not have Billie's stylist (and shoes??) Louboutins!

Daddy called and got off his shoot early and wanted me to go to a work event with him. He is in my neighborhood...dammit! Planting seeds, can't cancel.

Looking as cute as I can without a stylist. It's pretty cute.

Incestual Pudding

It is the height of laziness when we were too tired to get going with the new corset last night. Daddy and I were naked and watching movies in bed when we both decided to leave it until later in the week. My churning belly full of Indian food also helped make that decision more palatable. I put the corset on for 15 minutes this week and was nauseated. This is going to be harder than I thought.

Daddy came up early yesterday and we went to another polyamory support group. Unfortunately, in the second half he leaned over and asked if I was going to say something and I did. For the rest of the hour we became the floor show. I didn't care for that at all, nor did he. By the time we left, I was exhausted from barfing up my feelings. I have asked him to set up a night bowling or something with The Others so I can become a part of that dynamic. I have lunch with The One I Don't Like this coming Thursday. I initiated that as well. I am making an effort.

I got some good advice from a wonderful woman in the group. She is in a triad and has a lot of problems with the third in her relationship. She said she understands how hard it is to take in someones resentment, anger, hostility. She suggested I try to stay above the fray and try to understand where this is coming from and approach it with openness rather than defensiveness. My fear is I do tend to respond to the negative energy someone else projects. I don't care what Daddy says, I felt it, it was real and I trust my intuition. A good friend of mine V said to me last week, "they say submissives have thin skins. I maintain that a good submissive has NO skin and everything is a raw nerve." I have to agree with that. I think I am so good with people personally and professionally due to the fact I have this intuition. The flip-side is that the unsaid becomes manifest and you cannot always articulate why you have a good/viscerial response to a situation or a person. It just is, and I take all that emotion and internalize it. My friend V also said that a good Dom takes care of his slave/sub "emotionally, physically as well as intuitively. To dismiss this sensitivity is to ignore a large part of what makes a slave function." I think I love her, wish she wasn't half way around the world.

We shall see if I can function as part of this unit. I don't do "chick" as a threshold matter so women can be exacerbating to me. Doc will be staying the night tomorrow. I am really looking forward to some serious cuddle time. We have some mad Flowers in the Attic vibe between us (for those of you that remember that pubescent jerk off book series.) Brother and sister in an abusive relationship that find comfort in their incestuous (and graphic) love affair. Doc and I will hold each other and talk for hours. I don't need to fuck him. In my sex as food game, I characterize him as "my pudding." Soft, comforting and enveloping. He is also struggling with having a poly relationship so I know we will have a lot to discuss.

muddy waters

Very excited today as I finally got the thumbs up to begin corset training. This is the corset I bought to begin. Simply gorgeous! Just another step down the ruinous path for me and I couldn't be happier!

After our horrible weekend I have been struggling with having an authentic relationship with Daddy. Polyamory really plays some fucked up games on your brain. I realized Saturday night that although he may miss parts of me, he can just slap a cig and some latex on some other bitch and pretty much be okay. Me, I am fucked. I have invested a lot in this relationship and would mostly be lost. I don't have a soft place to land in the event this ever ended...he has several places. All with boobs.

The connection we have is real. It is. I have no question of that. He has real and unique connections with The Others. We are the same in our "unique" relationships with him. I tried to have lunch with The One I Don't Like this week, got pushed to next week. I want to see what he sees in her. I still stand by my initial assessment that she was sending hostile vibes to be at brunch, she didn't like me. I am very sensitive to the feelings of those around me, I am usually right about these things. She agreed to lunch easily enough. I pray I can find some quality I find likable. If I'm in the polyamory shit, I may as well really dive in. I have not been exposed to what the fuck that means...maybe this is a step. This weekend Daddy told me that I had to WANT this type of relationship. Honestly, I don't know what the fuck it is. How can I WANT something I don't understand?

If we are to create something enduring he has to invite me more into his world, and I have to embrace it. I am the odd man out. Doc reminded me today that I am the expendable one as I have the least time in and no financial or professional entanglements with him as The Others. Thanks Doc! My goal has always been to create something genuinely unique and long-lasting. I think we have to components here and neither one of us is yet willing to let go. Today Daddy told me I fit him. It really isn't him I am worried about, it is fitting in and being incorporated with the rest.

don't drink, don't smoke...what do you do?

I want to be better. Something Daddy said to me resonated Saturday night. He is very concerned about my lashing out then going to hurt myself by abusing prescription medication and alcohol. Cigarettes too. I have been thinking a lot about that. He is right. I just need to stop this.

I went out with my gays yesterday and got fucked up. It was fun and happy but you know, I'm getting too old for this shit. I have been in so much pain with this relationship and have been trying to numb myself and push down those emotions. I am uncomfortable feeling things.

Many of our problems have stemmed from my self-medicating. I say horrible things and get mean. He is right to be concerned as I have been too. Today, I threw out all my meds. I'm not going to drink for a while either. He is right. I don't want my emotions to be exacerbated by these things. It is time to let this stuff go and just deal with my feelings.

I have gone months without drinking and taking meds. I can be a social drinker but I think lately, I am going down a slippery slope. It may be more difficult to face my problems directly, but I owe it to myself and Daddy to do so. By posting this I am making a commitment to myself. Daddy hasn't asked me to give these things up, but I am going to do so of my own accord.

As if it were a sign from the universe, my favorite yoga teacher just sent an email as I was typing this saying he now has a new Monday night class! I'm a firm believer that good choices lead to good outcomes. I will be there!

path less travelled

Being a lover can be exhausting. Being a submissive can be soul sucking.

Strike ten billion with Daddy last night. I was a dick Friday. I know what I say can be cutting and vicious. Why and how he sticks with me is a mystery. I know I try to push him away as I know this is wrong. My Catholic Republican upbringing tells me so. Mr. MBA always says, "would you tell your father about this relationship??" Nope, no fucking way.

Can you reconcile these types of BDSM, in my case M/s, relationships with the real world? We argue. I am not proud of what I do and need behind closed doors. I am a whore. I understand this on a deep level. In the past I could cloak this behind a more traditional relationship and pass. I can't now.

He asked me to embody the relationship last night. Embrace the uncommon bond we have as a "family" and want it, really WANT it. I want him. I have no understanding of the lifestyle he proscribes. I don't think he appreciates how much I give up to be with him. The cost to me is huge and taxing on my values. He has integrity which I know he values above all else. So do I. The only thing I take to my grave is my name. What legacy do I want to leave?

In the event we get to do this project together, I will be full-on out there. The Marsha that we all know will be gone, doors closing. I would be putting my trust in him 100% and leaving myself behind in every form and fashion. I do not want to shame my family name. Ultimately, that is all I own. They say your last pair of pants have no pockets. Your name lives on. It matters.

Lez not be friends...

Last night I had an unexpected surprise. One of my lesbian friends has been trying to hook me up and the woman called me last night. Was in my neighborhood and at my door in ten minutes. Happened quickly. I realized early on that it was not going to be a good fit for me. She wasn't that cute and was a pretty militant lesbian. I was going to dismiss her but then Daddy and I got into an argument and he got dismissive with me, called me an ass. What the fuck, why not? No reason I can't cum tonight too.

I took her to a neighborhood bar where there is live music. Amazing R&B bands and the entire place gets packed and thumping. We had a great time, drank....smoked (yup, I'm going to be in trouble for that.) I brought her back to my place and grudge fucked her. Didn't break in the Feeldoe, just wasn't feeling like I wanted to try to figure that shit out. Just lots of kissing and rubbing. She went down on me and got me to squirt. God that feels so fucking good! I haven't squirted in a while. I got off a few times, got her off. In the end it was grossly unsatisfying. Just sex. I won't see her again, really didn't care for her as a person. Plus she lives in Long Beach.

This morning I feel like crap, was out too late, too many cigs and I am hacking up a lung and a mild hangover. Got her out of here a couple of hours ago. Gong to yoga then have a shitload of housework to do. Supposed to see Daddy tonight, not sure if he will come over because I smoked last night. That was our deal. He may make an exception because I was lezzing out which he is encouraging. Hey, she was smoking and tasted gross! It helped overcome that barrier. Can't believe anyone ever kissed me the many years I smoked. Yuck.

Still feeling a bit Cinderella-esque today. My bed might as well have been empty. Very hollow experience.

just right

Do you ever just feel like Cinderella? I mean today I just wanted to scream at the universe, "WHY DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE ME FOR THE FUCKING PRINCESS THAT I AM ALREADY??" Bad day. I feel like I am always scrubbing floors and wearing ugly shit while others that are less worthy spend their days at the ball. Ugh. I have a whole lotta good karma coming my way. I hope it chokes me to death.

I was crying today as Daddy was so wonderful. I am so afraid me and my big mouth are going to fuck shit up. He promised it can't and we will have the life we are planning together. Yup, cried like a fucking baby. Joni Mitchell days are ALWAYS bad on the emo level. She just says it all to me. Did a sales call without looking in the mirror, looked like Patsy from AbFab. Please see above picture, it really is scary it is such a perfect resemblance. (my best friend from home and college roomie..there were so many others actually thought this was me when I posted this as my FB profile pic. Fantastic!)

So, last night when he left I had the feeling I should move my car into the car port. I leave it open when I know he is coming as parking in this neighborhood can be an absolute bitch. Little loving thing I try to do for him. When he leaves I NEVER move my car. Last night, I just had a Spidey sense I should. This morning while walking my dogs I saw there were cars that had been broken into, including the car that took my vacated spot. When I told him about that he got worried about our cars here. FUCK YEA! Me and my big mouth give Daddy yet ANOTHER reason no to want to come over here. Stupid mouth, when am I going to learn. Oh, and now he is only coming here in the hoopdie shit car, perfect...a pumpkin.

He said that it just made him more anxious to get me closer to him. Awww. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned there was a studio available close to him that was affordable. A studio. I am busting out of, and working from, my 1 bedroom here. I need a 2 bedroom at least. Suicidal slut would not be fun for him so I declined looking at it. Really, a fucking STUDIO??? Jesus, if I could not feel more second string it would be fucking incredible. Cinderella. I hate a good portion of my life.

I had less than my regular Mother Theresa patience for people today. I was cranky and snappy. I recognized it in myself and could tell it was upsetting to those I talked to. I am direct and factual usually...today FUCK DAT! Sarcastic and short. I usually can contain that in my "inside my head voice" professionally.

So Daddy called me. Dropped a bombshell. We have a business opportunity together. What?? Pretty cool deal, kind of a long shot but still...he is pinning a flag on me that we can be successful together. He turned my frown upside down! The business deal is cool, weather or not it proceeds with me is of no import. He believes in me. Wow. I think the glass slipper kind of fits...

Joy goalie

Saw Daddy last night. As we were parting ways I told him how much I miss him when I don't see him. He made some comment on how he only needs to be with me once a week to sustain him. He meant it as a compliment somehow, but it really didn't resonate as one. I made a comment back to him and he told me that I can always find a way to suck all the joy out of a moment for him. Greaaaat.....

As I was walking back to my apartment, this Joni song came into my mind. My relationship status permeates every aspect of my life. The bittersweet nature of our relationship is not lost on me. This week, it kind of seems I can't do anything right. I'm trying. Once a week will not sustain me. I have ample time to think about that the six nights a week I go to bed alone and the seven mornings per week I wake up as such. I try not to go to bad places with this but sometimes it is hard.

No sleep worrying about last night. One endless anxiety attack, the familiar sensation of adrenalin pumping and no place to run. Sickening, feeling as if I should vomit but cannot. It really isn't that dramatic which I understand on an intellectual level. I just wish my body would cooperate. Now I get to trudge though my day exhausted.

He thinks I am beautiful. The energy we share together is unique in both of our experiences. I just wish we could share more peaks than valleys. I hate that one comment from me colored our entire evening. I am very sensitive and am likely giving this more energy than it deserves. I just want to be perfect for him and I am sooooo far away from that goal. He's in my blood, it would be so much easier if he were not.

hello Xanax! my secret lover

Pretty happy now due to pharmaceuticals.I don't often take the pills lately but they re-set my hard drive. I get right. Dammit! I hate my brain is short circuiting! Have a bunch of messed up financial stuff going on, these panic attacks are wicked bad.

Daddy gets I am fucked up. So, we talk (bad idea for the whore!) I am so ok with our situation I sent The One I Don't Like an email, asking her to lunch. I know I have to make that part of the relationship work. Everything I do now is for us. I am working harder as I know that is the only way we will meet our common goals. I think about every bite of food I put in my mouth and if he would approve or not. I do as told. I want this relationship more than I have wanted anything in my life. His situation with the two other women really fucks me but I am willing to do more than my share to make this work. It should not be this hard for me.

I'm not expecting him to agree with me. He loves The One I Don't Like and has history with her. I hope to come to see her through his eyes. I don't like the discord and would prefer to be perfectly aligned with him. I love him so much it is physically painful for me at times.

coming around

Something has shifted inside me. I am afraid to look at it too closely as I don't want to tempt fate. I am myself again. I have accepted and embraced my slavery. More importantly, I have accepted polyamory. It feels good not to have the endless sick feeling and despair I have had for months on end.

Daddy has stopped pushing The One I Don't Like on me sexually and trying to convince me of her value and beauty. I appreciate that. He held her body up as slamming and my thoughts are, "sure...I can do bone protruding anorexia too." If that is the body style he likes, no problem. I used to weigh 115 lbs at 5'9 when I was modeling. I know how to do starvation and gym. Unfortunately, having dropped 10 lbs in the last month and a half I have lost an entire cup size and any ass I may have had before. I am 41 going on 42, my bff called me Skeletor last Friday. None of my clothes fit. Just going to do it so I can prove a point.

We celebrated Valentines Day last night. Grazed on finger food, beautiful cheese I bought at the specialty cheese store, shrimp, chocolate covered strawberries and the like. He cuffed my wrists and ankles. I danced for him, fucked a dildo while sucking him, spreader bars, got whipped with that bloody belt, repeatedly slapped and spit on and choked, peed on (which I actually enjoyed!!)...nirvana. He really loves me. He says he doesn't like hitting the bitches, but his dilated pupils tell a different story. We feed each other and find some very dark places together. We are a "pure match" in his words.

It's only been six months or so and we were talking about this last Thursday when Daddy was here. The intensity is not waning, it is going deeper. I do not want to imagine a day when I am not owned by him. I have genuinely turned a corner and know my place is to serve him. He has the ability to reduce me to my core purpose; three hungry holes to use. He was fucking me from the side last night, bending my body at awkward angles and it really hurt. I was part of him, no longer and individual. I was moaning like the shameful whore that I am. Just holes for his pleasure and the most base animalistic response available to me. "Jesus, your devotion is intoxicating," Daddy texted me yesterday. It is for me too Daddy.

fake it don't break it mama

Friday night Daddy left me chatting with a potential "girl"friend. Invested some time chatting. We got along very well and Saturday morning she hit me up again. At some point I felt "she" was a faker and told her chat was over until I got a call. Got an IM this morning, "Marsha, I'm sorry this is moving too fast for me. Hope I didn't hurt you." My reply, "Nope, good luck to you and don't get your peen stuck in your zipper on the way out." Fakers.

Saturday was a BLAST! Daddy came over and we took pics. My girly bits have never been immortialized on film. I have always been a firm believer in, "leave no footprints." I will admit I was scared. Like my pretend gf, I decided just to fake it till I made it. Daddy is an amazing photographer and very creative. We had so much fun doing it and we got some great pictures. It was really cool to see myself through his eyes. He made me look really beautiful. I'm proud of what we did, we got some really cool shots.

Afterward, we fucked. Sometimes he just lays on top of me and talks while he slowly fucks me. He has noticed a change in my behavior. A good change. I have become a partner to him and he loves me. He is proud of me and wants me to thrive. All good stuff. I was happy and giggly again. Feels good to be myself. Whatever that dark cloud was, it seems to have lifted.

Talked to my friend the Photog this morning regarding the Betty Page shoot. We are going all out, hiring hair and make-up people. He LOVED my (actually Daddy's) idea to do a modern pin-up shoot in latex. I've asked Daddy to help me plan the wardrobe. Will be costly but worth it. The Photog brings out a really playful side of me and Daddy taps into my inner whore. I've asked him to be there. These pics will be fun.

I've been blue. In psychology, there is a thing called "learned helplessness." What the study entailed was the researchers strapped a live dog to a metal plate and shocked it. Of course the dog struggled to get away, but it could not as it was secured in place. They would shock the dog over and over until eventually the dog would just lay there and take it having come to the conclusion that resistance was futile. I think I have been shocked one too many times. I feel numb.

To be more precise, I wish it were just numb. There is a pit in my stomach and jabs of anxiety mixed in there. I can't seem to find anything positive to focus on. Even when my life is a total train wreck I have things I find pleasure and joy in. I have no energy and everything feels like a chore over the last couple of weeks. Daddy described my demeanor as "morose" when he saw me last night. He wants me to be happy. Me too.

Daddy says I am settling in, but I wonder at what cost? I feel like the spark that makes me who I am is being quashed. Last night he held me and told me that everything will be okay and we will have the life we have talked about. He will take care of me. Then we fucked, hot and intense as usual. Hair pulling, scratching, biting, spitting, slapping, hard pounding. That put me in a way better mood. I made dinner and then we watched some movies. I was thinking I should start calling my blog submission and eating as I seem to be always talking about food. I enjoy feeding him. Then, of course, he left.

Another shitty day today. I can't focus on my work which is piling up. I dread another night alone in this apartment. I crave stimulation. The carpet cleaners are coming so I really must run and go clean up all of my incriminating slut stuff. What I REALLY want to do is down a bottle of wine and smoke. Not allowed.

idle hands

Projects projects. The quest for my girlfriend continues. I am not having much luck honestly. I think I have actually found some good places to look and baited quite a few hooks this morning. Daddy helped. Now I wait and see who nibbles. I also need to work on finding a more reliable fuck buddy. I HATE not getting laid regularly. I am a sex slave, duh. That is what I do.

Daddy is coming over tomorrow and we are going to plan my pictures he is going to take of me Saturday for the escort thing. I need to do more research online and see what we should be aiming for. My photographer friend disappeared for a while but he has come back and also wants to start planning for our photo shoot. We have decided on a Betty Page inspired pin-up theme. My gays are going to come with me, it will be fun. Additionally, GirlCrush has expressed a desire to photograph me. Why not?

Doc and I spoke today and he may be able to make it down the weekend of the 20th. I contacted Kat to see if she is game. He has agreed to teach me rope bondage yay! He is quite the phenom with the ropes and is very cautious and careful. This is important to me because I think I may have some permanent nerve damage from bad bondage by The Sadist last summer. You can really screw someone up if you aren't careful. If I am going to have a pet, I do want some skillz to bring to the table. Additionally, I am really excited to break in my feeldoe!

Other normal stuff like work, laundry, yoga. Sigh. There are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. The good news is that I have not had one fit this last week, being busy suits me. I also had an epiphany last night. I have always shared everything in my life. I am generous most likely to a fault with my time, money, love... I do derive such pleasure in bringing people together and making connections. I want to share everything good in my life with everyone I love. Polyamory is doing just that. As long as Daddy does what he said he will I think I will be fine with this. I am not a patient person at all and understand that this will take some time. The fear I am being strung along and duped is there. I do think it is irrational. He loves me. He wants these things too. I have to hold onto that.

moving on...

Randomness. As Daddy and I talk about me moving to his neighborhood I am getting nostalgic about where I live. I have been here for seven years. My apartment is a piece of shit but it is like being home in a big city, I can walk everywhere. Just got back from the market where Carmen checked me out. "Hey Marsha!! How are you doing girl?" My retarded bagger Ron, "Marsha, have time for a joke?" I always have time for Ron's jokes, I find his spirit and joi de vivre inspiring. They are clean, complicated and funny as hell. The flower department lady Jeanine sold me gorgeous roses last weekend, Daddy even commented on them. I will be so sad to leave here.

Got a pass on the essay. Chatted with Daddy today and told him how happy I am that he is involved in my finding a girlfriend, first plus for polyamory! Tah dah! End of essay. *jazz hands!* I told him my experience so far has been negative and I don't have enough exposure to the situation to properly access it. He will let me do the essay when I have something to say. I really love he has not one jealous bone in his body. That came up in the support group that other people perceive lack of jealousy as lack of involvement or concern. Not me, I am grateful for that. I am stupidly unaware of any attention I get and past Doms/boyfriends have had issue with that. When Daddy accuses me of being jealous of The Other I Don't Like and the male attention she draws and am competitive, I have to laugh. I am so stupid the attention I get is so far off radar, I don't even get when I am on a date and dating a dude for months. I actually found myself dating an ex boss for a couple of months and had NO idea. I am blissfully unaware and it is of no import to me.

I sent The Other I Don't Like and email last night. I am trying to be nice and extend a hand. I may not want to fuck her (by the way, well played bitch. I get what is going on.) but I know I need to get along. Hopefully I will bring some fresh, fun, cool meat into play and Daddy will give me a pass on fucking her. I don't want to be mean and I know I would wear my disdain on my sleeve. Ultimately he is very kind and responsible, I know he wouldn't want to open her up to being hurt. I am an open book and know I would do so. It really would be unintentional, I am a really nice person at heart.

Someone else was questioning me at the group session Saturday. He queried if I were looking to become primary and displace the current stuff going on for Daddy. Honestly, it never occurred to me. That has never been my goal. Our relationship has been OUR relationship. I don't need to be queen bee and am not looking to change him or tip his apple cart at all. Again, I have A TON of freedom and flexibility with him which I do not take for granted. I just want a future and possibilities. Something I have a hard time seeing sometimes because of his pre-existing relationships. Minus for polyamory. His bed is already full.

all we ever do is talk talk....

Monday morning quarterbacking the events of last week, on a Sunday. Yeah, I'm a rebel. This week was full of ups and downs. Saw Daddy Wednesday night and had more uncomfortable conversation about my behavior. Went to a polyamory support group with him yesterday afternoon. I was glad he came with me. I want him to know I am really making a genuine effort.

I vomited out my reasons for being there in my introduction to the group; difficulty dealing with the jealousy, not recognizing myself, turning into a banshee, resentment and other such horrible emotions. It is a common thread in these types of relationships and how others deal is varied. I have to say, I did find it helpful. I didn't get the magic bean I had hoped for but knowing this is somewhat of a universal experience was helpful to me. I think I am going to go to the next one. I hope Daddy got something out of it too, he believes submission is a line in the sand you step over and never look back. I befriended a woman that said she cried, journaled, went to support groups, posted on the poly blogs for a year and a half in order to get her jealousy under control. She brought up something very interesting to me yesterday as well, there is a certain amount of mourning that goes hand in hand with this. I will never be married, I will have to hide my lifestyle from my friends and family...things you take for granted in a more traditional relationship.

I was feeling positive about the steps I had made and in the car Daddy brought up one of The Others, the one I do not like. I see this internal struggle as interconnected and feel as if I can conquer one, I can conquer all of the negative feelings I harbor, including my feelings about The Other. I felt deflated. He projected jealousy that genuinely is not there. I am resentful of the access she has and her living situation. I honestly am not looking at her at comparing myself to her. Well, maybe I am a bit. I find her ridiculous. Daddy thinks she is hot and sexy which is his prerogative, I do not share his opinion (which is mine.) Friday he told me she wants to fuck me, of course she does. I do not find her attractive in the least. Perhaps over time I will come to like her but I am sorry I said anything to him. The only way for us to develop a relationship is to spend more time with her. I will paint a smile on my face and get along while looking for some commonality. Failure is not an option.

I am a very loving person. I have many close friends that have become my extended family. I still talk to my best friend since 3rd grade regularly (we were spelling partners which I suspect is why neither one of us can spell today, too busy fucking around and forming a life-long friendship.) I have the ability to make and maintain loving relationships for decades. I have been thrown into this family without any say in the picking but I know I can open my heart. With some people you just have to dig a little deeper. Daddy is sure that I can thrive in this relationship and told me to trust his judgement. I am supposed to write an essay about the benefits of polyamory this week. I still don't see them, going to be a very short essay indeed.

put baby back in the corner

I think he broke my brain. I snapped last night. Flipped the fuck out is more like it. I didn't talk to him all day yesterday. I got a call last night when I was supposed to be in yoga (wrenched knee, shitty sub teacher....didn't go last minute.) "Hya Daddy!!!!!" I answer with my usual glee from hearing his voice. Then I hear the noise, very familiar. It is a hand dryer. "are you calling me from the BATHROOM????" He was at a theater and carved out five whole minutes to talk to me yesterday. It is likely he ducked in there to leave me a message while his unsuspecting date waited outside. I lost my shit. Of course, I immediately ran out and bought cigs and beer.

Mad crazy texting later last night. Today, he is pissed. I don't recognize myself and I really don't like who I am right now. I don't do anger and jealousy. I don't throw fits. These emotions are so foreign. I don't like to argue. I really don't like drama. Seems to be a lot of that going around with me recently. Crazy pants. I hate it.

Daddy said I manufactured this drama. He may be right. My hunger for him is never sated and when I am not with him...well it is just killing time until I am again. I know there are tons of women out there that would thrive in this sort of situation. I don't know why my disposition does not allow it. My mind is all over the map today, started sobbing while driving home. God I am a mess.

He dismissed me this morning saying he will deal with me later. Oh boy. Neither one of us needs this drama. He said that he had five minutes to spend last night and chose to spend them with me then I turn it into this crazy train. I just want help dealing with these feelings. I just want to be the happy, loving submissive I know that I am. I want to be used, that is my purpose. I want him. Cue tears.

stamp it out

My friend Oz (reader of the blog as well) said something that made my day today. He is concerned about me and my well-being, warned me not to get in this situation to begin with. He commented that it is too late to get out of the tunnel but "hug the wall if you see the light and hear the horn." I may be injured by the train wreck, but hopefully not killed by it.

I want to be ok with what is going on. I found a polyamory support group that has a meeting this Saturday. Daddy said he would go with if I liked and bring The Others. It is sweet he offered that but how the fuck am I going to bitch about them if they are there? (jk Daddy!) This is my problem NOT theirs. They already have everything I would like to have so why would they need this sort of thing? I would like to know how other women deal with the sense of inequality, jealousy, limited time and attention they get in this type of relationship. I for one, am not dealing well. Daddy tries to ensure me that these things are not true however that is my perception. As we say in the Fortune 100 world, perception is reality. I would like to perceive an alternate reality than what I do today. Maybe someone who has been through this can help me do so.

I recognize I am allowed a lot of freedom and flexibility by Daddy. I am on a long leash and he has bent over backward to acknowledge my personality and ensure I thrive. I can date, I can fuck, within certain guidelines of course. I would wither and die were I expected so sit around waiting with my thumb up my ass. Perhaps that is me being melodramatic, I would just cut bait and say peace the fuck out. Or I would be so insane he would tell me to get the fuck out. Tomato tomato.

It is apparent that Daddy listened to me Saturday night. As we discussed these things yesterday I saw he made an effort to not give me the trite, "if I wanna put you in a box for six months" reply. Clearly, I am trying to get on board and address my insecurities and fears.

aftermath

If I only got one day this week with Daddy, yesterday was a pretty good one. I knew we were on a schedule and was told to be naked and ready for use when he got here. I was pumping and masturbating as I waited for him. He didn't waste any time when he got here. I was tossed around like a rag doll, ending up bent over the bed where he delivered several hard blows with his belt. The plug was yanked out and Daddy mounted me roughly, hand around my neck as he drove his cock deep inside of me. He lay on top of me and I arched my back as extremely as I could to meet with his thrusts and pressed my cheek against his. He and I only could touch tongues and he spit on me and bit my cheek. I can tell he is about to cum when he reaches under me first grabbing and holding onto my tits while he rides me then moving down to pull on my hips. He filled me with cum, stood up and shoved his condom covered cock in my mouth while I knelt before him. I was given five minutes to get cleaned up and ready to go.

We went downtown Los Angeles for a work related event he had to go to first stopping at Clifton's for lunch. It is a cafeteria which was built in the 30's replete with a thematic kitchy charm which is my favorite sort of place. It took longer than expected and we missed the first event, so we walked around downtown with Daddy giving me an architecture tour. It was surprising to me as I have believed that Los Angeles is devoid of any character or soul. To see these magnificent buildings with Daddy's characteristic nerdy knowledge base was genuinely wonderful. My little secret is that I am a nerd too. It could not have been a nicer day.

The rest of the afternoon into the evening we did his work stuff breaking to have dinner at another Los Angeles institution, The Pantry. The food was just so so but again, the place had been around since the 20's so I enjoyed the atmosphere and of course, the company.

After we finished his work we came back to my place and then began the uncomfortable conversation bit of the day. Daddy is concerned that I drink until I get drunk, talk about polyamory with my friends who don't understand and seem to have issues with our relationships as a whole. A little light conversation...ugh. I do resent the situation and I self-medicate with alcohol. I cannot argue with him about that. I'm the odd man out in this deal and feel as if I am drawing the short straw. I know he doesn't like hearing about this, I talk to my friends because I need a sounding board. He wants to be my sounding board which is great, only when I do tell him how I am feeling I am often mocked or lectured. I am not looking to him for a value judgement but rather tools to cope with these feelings. Ultimately, the talk was pretty miserable but I think we came to some good conclusions. He was vulnerable to me too and I don't want to pick that scab. We are both at a crossroads for different reasons and we need to help each other, not work against one another.

He was going to leave on that high note (eye roll) but I convinced him to fuck me again. We climbed into bed and he got on top of me wasting no time sticking his cock into his pussy. I belong to him. I moaned and babbled such things, my emotions coming from a deep and feral place. "What are you thinking now whore?" he asked, "I want you to hit me." I replied. He landed a firm blow to my left cheek which left my ears ringing. He spit on my lips and I licked it off hungrily. Daddy pumped me hard while telling me how much he loves what a trashy slut I am and we both came at the same time. 2AM, he smeared my face with the cum-filled condom and left.

It is the uncertainty that is killing me. I do believe he wants all of the things we have talked about and we are on the same page. How are we going to get there is the question? His resources are already allocated. There was some Japanese story I read once about a truth seeker going to visit a Buddhist monk for knowledge. As this traveller told the monk everything he believed the monk began to pour him a cup of tea. The traveller prattled on and on eventually noticing the monk had filled the tea cup to capacity and was now pouring tea which spilled over the brim and was covering the table, dripping on the floor. "How can you expect to gain anything when your cup is already so full?" I cannot help but see the parallel to my situation. I'm sure I will get shit for posting that, I am trying to have faith. There are a million and one reasons NOT to do this and only one reason to carry on; I love the fucker. It has to work.

Breaking the girl

It is still dark, cold and raining outside. Perfect accoutrement to how I am feeling inside. Daddy and I have talked and are back on track. I still can't help but feel the parts that are missing between us. I hate being so fucking sensitive.

He claims he would never have let me go, but doesn't want to keep me in a situation where I am miserable. Somehow, I'm not finding solace in that statement. He is correct that I always come to the darkest and most negative conclusion about everything. I do as that has been the gestalt of my experiences. He told me to allow him to carry my baggage, don't beat him over the head with it. Fair enough.

This morning he asked if it would be possible to break me. I told him to imagine the immense satisfaction he will feel once he accomplishes it. I picked him because I think he is capable. I WANT it. I WANT to give him everything I have and am over time. I want to be completely dependant on him. I picked him because I trust him to be able to manage that and handle the responsibility. He is stable, sincere and in control of himself. Meeting him at the door wearing latex with a home cooked meal on the table sounds ideal to me. I want subservience 24/7 and an opportunity to express that in everything I do.

He claims that I resist anything non-sexual I am required to do. I will have to get some clarity to that. I'm not quite sure I understand what he is talking about. My best guess is being satisfied with being alone and on my own most of the time. I'm not and don't understand how that could be an expression of my submission. TPE doesn't occur in a vacuum and well, I mostly live in one.

I won't see him until Saturday. I'm sure I will be blue and fronky until then. I'm not sleeping and having lots of panic attacks. I don't have anything going on this week and am anti-social and boring. Very unusual for me. I don't likey.

yup, I did it.

"You are a completely owned slave until the day you die. There is nothing you can say or do that can change that." Apparently, that is NOT the case.

I am self-destructive. I have been in turmoil and drank both Sunday and Monday nights. In the process, I talked to Daddy and said some things which concerned him. Yesterday, he offered to release me telling me he would not turn me out on my own but would help find someone else for me or plan a path. I am to think about my submission and if this is what I really want with him. I can feel the distance between us and regret my actions. The fact he is so willing to cut me loose or pawn me off on someone else also saddens and sickens me to the core. It is my own fault I know. I know my lashing out is a form of defensive posturing. I have been thinking of this constantly, subconsciously I may have been testing the waters to see if he really did mean that he would never leave me and I am his. Well, guess we have the answer to that question now.

My goal with Daddy was to find a depth of submission which I have never known. Bond with and trust someone as I could only dream of. I see it as a process, submission deepening with experience and time. There is no button on me you can just flip and my submission engages. I want this. I want it with him. I just am not sure how to do it. "You exist to serve me. If I want you to stay in a cage for six months you will do so because it serves me." Not helping Daddy. As much as I would like to find Nirvana in balling socks or sleeping alone I don't today. I'm not saying somewhere in the future I reach a place where unloading the perfect dishwasher makes me cream, just saying today that is foreign to me. I would like a map.

Self-destructive me succeeded in pushing him away. I created a self-fulfilling prophecy. I take total responsibility for this. Isn't being a submissive the ultimate in self-destructive behavior? Hand yourself over to be dismantled and built back up to someones taste? Look at the title of my blog, that kind of says it all. I hate myself now. I hate how I feel, how I have behaved and what I have done. I don't like who I am right now.

I'm not sure what I going to happen now. I'm going to try not to panic and work it through. If I am cut loose I am not sure what I am going to do with myself. I wish there were an "undo" button for life.

Le Weekend

This was an insane weekend. Captain Save a Ho strikes again! I picked up a despondant and wayward French woman on the train back from Orange County Friday. Here for a month, two hundo in her pocket and kicked out of her boyfriend's house with nowhere to go. I couldn't let her wander the streets of Los Angeles so I took her home.

Fortunately, Frenchie was incredibly cool and fun. I enjoyed having her companionship. It reinforced the fact that I need to find a girlfriend. We ate, she showered and made out. She said, "you are my luuuuuucky schtaaaarrrrrrr!" She was tiny and jumped on me claiming that she was falling in love. She knocked me over in the process and we broke a lamp. C'est la vie! We slept cuddled in each other's arms. It was really nice.

We spent Saturday together. I told her about my big brunch on Sunday when I was to meet The Others. We did yoga, found her a place, met up with some of my friends then had dinner with Daddy. He quite enjoyed her as well.

Sunday, I arranged for her to have a ride to the hostel. As we said our goodbyes, she hugged me and told me to remember, "as beautiful as you are on the outside, you are also inside." Made me feel really good and confident going into this breakfast.

We picked The Others up and went to the restaurant. I really liked one of them, she was interesting and engaging. I could see myself hanging out with her. The other, eh. Well, I am going to chalk it up to her being nervous and insecure meeting me. I didn't really care for her manner. She seems to lack social skills. Additionally, she wears a GINORMOUS permanent steel collar with an O ring on the front. I'm not public with my lifestyle choices, would be career limiting if I were. I understand some people are fine with being out there with their shit, just not for me.

I went into this determined to be myself. My fear was I would get defensive but I didn't. I was strangely ok with how things went. My only negative is that the other one seemed unapproachable. I didn't care for her to be honest. Hopefully, going forward we can find some common ground and she will become more comfortable with me. It was disappointing.

I guess they liked me. I am relieved that we have overcome this hurdle and we can move on to whatever is going to come next. Bringing me into his family.

I came home and my place seemed incredibly empty. I went and watched football with some friends and drank too much. I have to remember I am taking medication and not eating and not slam the beers. I got drunk. Daddy called, he is concerned about how I get when I drink. Disrespectful. I know I have problems with this situation but I am trying to work through them. Best not to do so with booze.

Getting Bent

I am insanely tired today (and sorta sad for some reason) and have to go to yoga. I highly suggest to any submissive out there to take yoga classes. It can be enormously helpful when dealing with difficult scenes (either emotional or physical) as you learn to stay calm and find your center. Yoga breathing is helpful too.

Prior to practice, we acknowledge what brought us to our yoga mats today. For me the answer is always the same, to be of service. I haven't been working out for months and I have lost pretty much all of my strength and flexibility. It is frustrating to basically be a beginner again.

It parallels my relationship with Daddy. I only have six months in with him. I am his third sub with the least amount of time served. I am a beginner. We chatted today and I said, "all I want is a closet full of latex, under the same roof as you, my gf in my bed and a pile of cash in the bank from whoring around. Is that too much to ask?" I was joking, sort of. I'm not going to see him again until Thursday. It really sucks.

Just threw on my Wonder Woman t-shirt. I know I need to do this. It takes both time and commitment to build a strong core. Sometimes it is hard to remember that.

Long days, not enough lays

This weekend was long. My usually full dance card was empty and I found myself alone. There is nothing that makes me more stir crazy than spending a weekend night by myself. My old part-time Dom, The Doll Collector saw my new CM profile and lamented that he did not get to date THIS Marsha. "Had THIS Marsha been the girl I was with, things could have ended up VERY differently, tisk tisk." I cracked up at the email and jabbed at him, "THIS Marsha was ALWAYS there. It just took the right man to find it." Sadly, that was the highlight of my Fri/Sat night. Other than that, I watched horrible movies and texted my friends. It was a snore.

Sunday, I went to WeHo and had brunch with my gay husbands. We drink magic orange juice and have a generally fabulous time. They are my chosen family and they treat me as such. I had to bounce early, missing the very hot and dirty gay strippers at Micky's, in order to come home and finish getting ready for Daddy. A sacrifice as for one dollar bill, you can stick your fingers up their ass and grab their junk. Or watch others do it for free. Good times!

I came home and cleaned up inside and out for Daddy. I put on a black pencil skirt and a new top that is sheer and hangs off of one shoulder. When he saw me he was very pleased, "I should take you out more often and show you off." I dress only for him and later he told me that the result is lovely but it is the effort I put in that really is alluring to him.

We didn't skip a beat and went right to the bedroom. I was in especially high spirits and was super giggly and happy last night. I was told to strip and kneel and got to suck his cock. I love looking up at him as I suckle his cock and take it as deeply as I can in my throat. He shoved me on the bed and pulled my plug out and tried to fuck me up the ass. We had some technical difficulties and we just could not get his cock in the right hole. I found this endlessly amusing and just started laughing. He hasn't used that hole in so long he had forgotten how! Eventually we worked it out and he gave me a good solid ass fucking. I lose myself in that becoming one organism with him. It is magical to me and I go to subspace when he rides me. After Daddy fills me with his sperm he lays on top of me and holds me tight, "good girl, good girl" is all he says.

We went for Chinese and talked. He is meeting some of my friends too and becoming more acquainted with my other friends via pictures and stories. I like that he wants to be incorporated into my life too and is interested in such things. We hold hands across the table. Dammit I love the fucker.

Back to my house, cruised my CM tunas on a hook then watched a little tv drinking tea cuddling on the sofa talking. He loves how my body is starting to look. I can't wait for another month in the gym when I can genuinely rock his world with my body. I know what it can look like with some effort and I can't wait for him to see. Down side is I need new pants.

This week is going to suck again. I am not going to see him until Thursday when we are going over to another submissive friend's house for dinner and board games. Have to squeeze in a little use sometime. I'm jonesing for it already.

The Roast Was Tenderized

Daddy came over Thursday night and sure as shit I was immediately punished for my lack of attention to my homework. My ankles were shackled, I was laid on my back with my feet up, my wrists were then shackled and my hands were secured behind my knees exposing my pussy. Daddy then took off his belt. "It was 22 days ago I reminded you about your homework. I gave you a pass on 3 days so that leaves 19 days that you were willfully disobedient to me." His arm went back and I felt a solid crack on my pussy and he counted, "that's one...." I winced in anticipation of the blows. It was incredibly painful and I cried out. He silenced me with the bit. He continued counting out the blows directly to my cunt, occasionally landing one that wasn't so bad, which he would deem didn't count. I earned some extra ones for allowing my legs to drop and defensive posturing.

After my punishment was complete, Daddy laid next to me and talked to me. I really wish I could develop a poker face because even gagged, my eyes told him everything I was thinking. He again told me that I am not going anywhere and I will be obedient. The punishments will be more frequent and severe until I comply. He liked talking to me gagged, me not having the ability to do anything but nod my head indicating I understood. After he finished his lecture he released me from my cuffs and gag.

He doesn't like feeling that I am just beginning to trust him. I have heard a lot of talk from a lot of men over the years and mostly it is that, just talk. Daddy says things like, "Hopefully, if sometime in the future we are living under the same roof..." and of course my mind immediately goes to the sub-text that us living together is not a certainty. I do not think I could stand to live like this forever, isolated and sleeping alone every night only seeing Daddy a couple of times a week. I have done it for too long as it is and I would never knowingly sign up for this lifestyle permanently. Never. Thursday he told me that he will build us a house and I am going to be his perverted partner forever. It could be a couple of years out, but it will happen and he wants it too. That makes me feel much better.

He fucked me hard, commenting that he never has used a slut's pussy as much as he has mine. He favors the ass almost to exclusion of the other holes but for some reason he likes to use all three of mine. I take an odd sense of satisfaction in knowing that. I love being fucked any which way but when he is on top of me and we are looking into each other's eyes, me brushing the hair back so I can really watch him as he fucks me, it is dreamy and hot. I love him.

He brought some Indian food over. My experience with Indian food has been vomit inducing but I said I would give it another go. I am open to trying most things, especially with food. I really enjoyed our dinner and Daddy description of what everything was, how it was prepared and even comparing different regions of Indian cooking. Daddy can be a nerd, one of the things I like most about him.

He wasn't feeling well so we were mellow for the rest of the night. We changed my CM profile together trolling for chicks. He and I scanned the personals and emailed a couple of girls we thought might be good girlfriend material for me. He came across several he has spoken to over the years and we both laughed as he told me about those experiences. I think having my own girlfriend might alleviate some of the pressure off of Daddy. I genuinely hate living alone and having someone to sleep with and hang out with and fuck on a more regular basis is something I need. The idea is that she will be mine and depending on how things go, I may share her with Daddy. I am open to creating any different kind of relationship. I have already gotten a couple of responses back! I am excited...

My pussy is marked from the belt and incredibly sore. Sadly I think I am out of commission for a few days. Daddy is coming over tomorrow. We didn't have much time to see each other this week so it will be nice to have more time with him. Next weekend, I meet The Others. I am surprisingly calm about meeting his other two submissives. I think it is about time and shows that he is serious about incorporating me into his life. Polyamory is not my ideal situation at all but I am getting accustomed to the idea. Daddy never makes me feel like I am getting 1/3 of anything from him so it is palatable. My concern is that knowing it is going on is different than seeing it first hand and there is no way to know how I will respond when confronted with it. It is real and I am going to be part of it.

While I am sitting in this hard wooden chair with my throbbing pussy I am going to get on my homework. Look at that, punishment actually works.

oops, I did it again

Shit. I talked to Daddy then sat down on the sofa (just for a second, I swear!) I was working from 6 AM until about 8 last night. Damn down torpor sucked me in. I was out like a light and didn't get to my homework. I need to just do it earlier so this doesn't happen. I'm fucked.

Panic Attacks

Yet another ABM (ass burn Monday) made worse (if possible) by having our annual planning report due and company state of the union meeting Wednesday (last year, my pay was cut, my comission re-structured, my insurance changed to a shitty HMO that I now pay for. These meetings are usually not favorable.) The good news hasn't stopped yet this morning and I have already had a panic attack by ten. Daddy talked me down but I am still really shaking and scrambled. I haven't been able to focus at all and this report isn't going anywhere......

Daddy told me his goal this year was that he would be able to take care of me. I am finding solace in being owned and know whatever happens I will be ok. The fact that I am not alone anymore hasn't really sunk in, but it starting to.

I spent Saturday with Daddy and he stayed over (yay! I actually got to wake up to him!!!) We did make it out of my apartment for dinner. When we are together, I don't care to do anything but just BE together. We cuddle and talk and fuck....I saw a couple of spreader bars peeking out of his bag of tricks. We didn't ever get to those. Just fucking and sleeping curled up together. Perfection. Wake up to a round of ass fucking. I could get used to that.

We have been making other plans as well. I may move closer to him. We are thinking about me making some extra money by doing some escort work. Additionally, I am looking for a girlfriend. Daddy thinks I am ready to meet The Others now. I think I am too. He is going to plan a dinner for me to meet them. He has a lot of plans for me, this is only the beginning. I am being integrated in his life and it feels really good.

As horrible as I am feeling today, I try to come back to my service for comfort. I pump and am plugged. Did an enema. I tried doing homework last night but my puter is jacked. I will do homework today (I think fixed the immediate prob last night.) I'm powering down my nicotine lozenges like they are going out of style. I trust that whatever happens Wednesday, Daddy will be there for me. In the meantime, I obey. Now back to my stupid report.