New Year!

New Year's eve.....a time of reflection and anticipation. At lunch, Daddy and I were talking about this yesterday. I don't think I have been quite so optimistic about an upcoming year, or decade in this instance. In him, I have found what I have been looking for all these years.

I told him how happy I was to close out this last decade....a lot of wandering and sadness for the girl here. He reminded me that I have never been an owned slut before and that is all over. His goal is to be in a position to take care of me. I am genuinely blessed. He also reminded me that I have told him I love and hate him...which I do. I told him I mostly love him.

I enjoyed our afternoon delight yesterday. Our maiden voyage with the thigh/boot strap dildo holder was comical. We were both laughing at our inability to make it work. The dildo insisted on popping out, the strap was sliding down his leg, the angle was wrong, the metal ring was digging into Daddy's leg. It was definitely not hot and sexy, but it is nice to be able to laugh with Daddy at such things. He also commented on my body. He can see the effort I have been making and appreciates it. It is always nice to have him take notice that I am trying hard. He said he can see I will have a porn star body. Another month in the gym and I will. Everything will be tight and lean. I love when I look cut up. Not bulky, just long lean muscles which my tall frame carries very well. My favorite part is my back when I am in shape.

Additionally, I was quite tickled to jab Daddy about the state of his home. He is constantly telling me my place is filthy. I think initially, he was right but after some investments in time and stuff on my part, I think I have remedied that situation. I mean, when the enamel is gone from the tub, there is NOTHING you can do to make it look right. (when I was a red head a couple of years ago, I had slopped some toner I used in between colorings to keep that deep red color I love so in the bathtub. It would never come out, looked like I had had a partial birth abortion in the tub.) Daddy's house was messy yesterday and he has a live in domestic. I commented on the amount of hair in his tub..."wow Daddy, and you don't even have dogs like me..." I quite enjoyed that as I often remind him that cleaning is NOT my only job like some people.

Exactly a year ago this week I vowed I would be in a relationship by next New Year's. I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find Daddy. It is funny how things work out. Daddy dismissed one of his long term submissives earlier this year. Had he not done that, there would be no room for me in the picture. Had I met him any earlier, I would not be ready for him. He is generous when he says that he was fortuitous finding me. I think the stars were perfectly aligned and we both came together when we were ready for one another.

I am honestly looking forward to this decade. Happy New Year!

Slut on the run.....

A slut's work is never done. I have been on vacation this week and I am starting to get back into the groove. I've been back to the gym after a long hiatus. Although it has been pretty miserable, I am amazed at how much strength and stamina I have retained in spite of the pneumonia. Not one child's pose in my first yoga class back! By the way, if you don't want people staring and talking about you at the gym, do not wear shorts if you have been punished. Pic above, oopsie!

I have been running around like a fool trying to get all of my things done. I got up early this morning to do my enema so I could go to yoga class then see Daddy for lunch. I've been milking (sadly still no results.) I have yet to get back to my homework (which Daddy made mention of Monday night when he was here, I am no longer getting a pass on that.)

It seems all I do is clean, do laundry, do slut stuff, run to the market, cook....and start that cycle again. I do not know how I am going to accomplish everything when I have to go back to work next week. Things I enjoy like knitting, reading and my poor dogs are very much neglected these days.

After lunch with Daddy, I come back to start that vicious cycle again. I have a house guest for New Year's and I need to clean, do laundry and get the fixings for Jambalaya. I am spending Saturday and Sunday with Daddy.....provided I do not have one cigarette. This is a new rule; if I smoke he cancels out next plans. I am not too worried except for New Year's eve. I tend to have a couple of cocktails and those smokes are looking awfully good.....

I got the lecture about the importance of obedience again Monday (punctuated by that bloody belt.) I am trying but I need to try harder. Kicking my drug addition will be a pretty good first step. Obedience is my New Year's resolution.

Treated like the HoHo Ho that I am

What a perfect first Christmas with Daddy. As I have mentioned, this is my first year not going home and I was more upset than I had anticipated being. Daddy asked to spend Christmas with me and I could not have been more thrilled.

I made him an ambitious meal of individual Beef Wellingtons (personalized and pictured above,) roasted brussel sprouts, roasted multi-colored potatoes with thyme and shallots, thyme popovers, a simple green salad and a peppercorn sauce made with a homemade demi glace base. For dessert, I tried my hand at his favorites, macaroons.


I wore my latex dress which was his Christmas present from me and took extra care to get dolled up. I supposed I was inspired as I just finished Jena Jameson's memoirs. I looked especially trashy and I knew he would love it!

I guess he's been reading the blog and a comment that I made speculating how hard he has played must have struck a nerve. He came in with armfuls of gifts then promptly lead me to the bedroom where he shackled my hands behind my back and fucked me up the ass quite roughly. My porn star make-up ended up mostly on the bed with the remnants smeared all over my face. My hands were then shackled to the front and I was allowed to tidy up and then fix dinner in that state.

Cooking, shackled, in latex with an oven running at 450 degrees was interesting. I could feel sweat run between my breasts and down my back...eventually pooling and dripping down my legs. In spite of my predicament, I managed to put dinner on the table and Daddy was very pleased. The fillet was tender, veggies cooked perfectly. Just a wonderful meal, first component of which (per Daddy) is good company.

I am one spoiled slut.....Daddy lavished me with gifts. I got a feeldow and top of the line harness with which to use it. He gave me a shower attachments for enemas to continue my enema training. I got a bit gag! (I often have trouble with ball gags as I grind my teeth and cannot open my mouth.) Wrist and ankle restraints, in latex to match my growing latex wardrobe. Most specially, he is going to hand build me a table...

I opened one package and I thought it was a collar. When I realized it was a thigh strap for a dildo (which I had told him I thought was cool and wanted) I guess my face dropped. I mean I LOVE the thigh/boot strap (check it out at JT's Stockroom) but was hoping Daddy wanted to take it to the next level. Sensing my disappointment, he pulled me close and we talked about my collar. In his mind, I am already his collared slave. He thought about getting me one for Christmas but he wanted to discuss it with me first. Once he locks it on, it will not come off. He wanted to discuss what I could wear 24/7 considering my professional persona that I must keep up. I am a collared slave. Huh. Pretty cool....just waiting on the hardware! That was probably the best gift of them all.

We ate macaroons and cuddled on the couch. Took my dogs for a walk (and he also leashes his slave for these walks too....) Went into bed and he used me again. He can be so mild mannered but there are times when his cock is inside me when I see his genuine intensity. Hand closing around my throat while he looks in my eyes, slapping my face as he demands I cum, grabbing my tit thru the latex dress as he pumps me hard. My place and purpose. I just take his cock.

He knew I would be upset he had to leave. I hate it when he doesn't stay over, which is more often than not. After some smart mouthing I was met with a slap and a lecture, which I deserved. It isn't just that I love curling up with him, we even intertwine feet when we sleep together....I think that when I wake up and he is gone it is like a dream and it never happened.

This morning, he texted me, "I want you to know you are a true source of joy in my life. You are a fucking wonderful slut." I guess last night really did happen. Me, a collared slave......somehow verbalizes it changes nothing and everything. Merry Christmas!

I can see clearly now....the pain has gone

Sub drop has passed, thankfully. I usually get it full on about 2-3 days afterward. Normally, I would just eat a lot of protein and go to the gym, sweat it out. With this rib thing I am rocking that was not an option. I tried everything I could think of and had a really rough time shaking it.

Daddy and I talked about it last night (thankfully I had gotten ahead of it or this convo could have gone VERY differently.) I am not sure how hard he has played in the past but I have played...well HARD. We talked about after-care and he realizes the importance of it but didn't realize that in many women it is necessary to follow up as we get this sort of retro sub drop days later. It is biological, I have read up on it and I know I am not the only one.

When I tell Daddy he is my drug of choice in some ways it is very literally true. Physiologically there are many of the same effects. Anyone who has tried X before understands you pay for the euphoric highs with dangerously depressed lows. Your serotonin level is all wonky and needs to stabilize. This is why things like chocolate, protein and working out help.

Nothing can take the place of being with your Owner afterward. Having lived with other Doms in the past I never really experienced sub drop as I had their loving presence around me mitigating the physiological factors. Since that is not an option in my current situation, I felt it was important to let Daddy know what was going on and that my hangover from Saturday night was a bitch!

I wake up alone

Saturday night I had a date with Daddy. To be honest, I was somewhat dreading it as I got hammered Friday night and smoked a bunch of cigs. I was not looking forward to "the talk" that was sure to occur.

Doc was in town and took me to lunch. It was nice to be comforted by him. He has been in a polyamorous relationship before and doesn't think they work well. Doc doesn't think I am cut out for this. Maybe he is right...I'm trying to remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day, but surely fell in one.

I got my hair done and wriggled into my new latex dress and stripper shoes that I bought for Daddy's Christmas present. I opened the door to him, "stand back" was all he said. He turned me around looking me up and down....caressing my body in the latex. "Are you up for dinner?" were the next words out of his mouth, I grabbed my jacket and we left.

The drive was long and silent. I was afraid to talk. He did not look at me once in the car. We parked, "don't hit the door on the curb" was all he said as I exited. He came around and took my hand and held me as we walked. I was wearing 6' platforms after all.

At dinner, a group of men in the restaurant commented to one another there were a lot of strip clubs in the area when they saw me enter. This broke the ice and Daddy loved my humiliation at being mistaken for a stripper. We had a lovely Japanese dinner, beautiful bite-sized packages of food. The mood lightened and we talked and laughed.

After dinner we went to Passive Arts, a BDSM club by LAX. It was early and the club was pretty empty initially. We walked around and eventually ended up in the dungeon room. I was slapped then punched in the stomach. Daddy grabbed me by the hair and growled, "I will make your submission a living hell for you. There will be no more willful disobedience. My touch can be loving or brutal, it is up to you." I was then positioned to be beaten with the belt.....I can readily handle the blows to my ass but the ones to my pussy and inner thighs are much more difficult. I did some defensive posturing which didn't go over very well. Afterward, he reminded me that I am owned and will never be alone again. I have no more choices. My life is in his hands alone.

The rest of the evening we walked around, talked to people we knew. Watched some shows. We came him early so he could use his fucktoy. He fucked me hard and the intensity was there as it is with us. We both fell asleep, his lips on my head facing one another. It was lovely. He woke me in the night for another round and then left.

I didn't hear much from him yesterday. I went to International Playboy's house for breakfast. A text here and there from Daddy. A call at 10:30 when I had be long asleep.

Today I think I am experiencing a bit of sub drop. I am sad for no real reason. My skin aches.....I'm itchy and antsy. This is Christmas week and I have no idea when I am going to see him. I am not part of his family so I will be spending the holiday alone. This is also the first year I am not going home for Christmas and I think it is impacting me more than I care to let on. Alone again seems to be the theme for me. I want to settle into my service but right now all I see is isolation. I'm not sure how to reconcile these things in my head.

Resistance is futile

I am still recovering from pneumonia and Daddy came over last night. I had made some food and attempted to bake bread unsuccessfully. My mojo is a bit off I think still. Daddy loves my cooking and I love to feed him. We had a nice dinner.

Sick or not I am a fucktoy and was desperate for use. Thankfully Daddy used this slut...we tried to be mellow but just don't think that is possible for us. I love looking into his eyes as he is shoving his cock in me, it is feral and angry. Our energies just feed off each other and it is hard to stay controlled. He hits me I want to beg for him to hit me harder, he pulls my hair it is the same. I love feeding the sadistic side he is beginning to show with me. I've never been a pain slut so this desire is new to me. I cum as he covers my nose and mouth. I cum when he twists my nipples. He reduces me to my core purpose, holes to be used. I where I belong. Afterward, we cuddled and talked. His first priority is getting me healthy and second....getting me to obey.

He sees that at the stepping stone to anything else we will do. For me, obedience has always been a rote, "yes Sir, no Sir..." type of thing. Daddy explained why my obedience will be key to anything we do moving forward. I think this is the first time I have actually understood this concept thoroughly.

Last night he explained that he is going to put me in some scary situations and unfamiliar territory. He needs to know that he can trust in my blind obedience in order to take me to these places. I need to obey for my own internal well-being as well. We cannot move forward until I am in that place where there is no fear or hesitation in my compliance. He says, I do period.

I have had some minor rebellions such as not doing homework. He is paying attention to even these small transgressions. My seemingly innocent omissions or mistakes are a lack of obedience. I get it now and I understand why it is important.

I still have a pass on a lot of my duties now due to my sickness. I am determined that once I am healthy I will work to be the obedient whore he needs me to be for both of us. Wherever he will take me I will go.

fuck my brain

I realize what a lucky bitch I am. My Ambian rant was recognized for what it was. At the core, I just want to be with him. It is a desperate longing. He will not let me go as hard as I try to push him away. We are both sick. I am on the other side of my pneumonia and realize how much I actually enjoy breathing. He does not want to expose me to whatever funk he has due to my compromised immune system.

So we chat. We cannot physically be with one another but we can be in the same place mentally. Like a really kinky Abelard and Heloise. Today Daddy opened up to me and shared his D/s journey. As we talked I thought about standing at Abelard and Heloise's grave. A forbidden love finally united forever in death. I remember the last time I was in Paris, I actually cried at their grave. The suffering and beauty of their love story is crippling.

I am standing at the precipice of my love story. He wraps his words around me. He envelopes me with his history. I am a "permanent fixture" in his life now. This is not what I ever envisioned for myself but I feel loved and valued. I trust him and he trusts me.

Today he showed me his past and all I can focus on is our future. I have Ella Fitz in my head now, "as Abelard said to Heloise...don't forget to drop a line to me please." Being able to write and express oneself is underrated. Not only do I love his body, I love his mind.

Oh Fuck.

Not to be a prolific blogger today, but my neighbor just told me that I went off on Daddy in an Ambian rant of epic proportions. I have NO recollection of talking to him. I have NO idea what I said. He isn't picking up his phone. I think I may have really cooked my goose this time. I should know better than to take those things, I have been known to have full conversations and say not such nice things when on them. They are evil pills and I should just toss them out. I just wanted to sleep. I have been on a cocktail of crazy meds to handle my panic attacks and I know I should eliminate this one.

This very well may be the end.

Daddy's Christmas Present

Oh yes, Daddy's Christmas present came today. I got this dress in red with white trim. I think he is going to LOVE it! Unfortunately, I have been too sick to try to put it on. Those of you with experience getting into and out of latex know it can be quite exhausting. I am so excited!!!!!!!!

A Wasted Week

I have been beyond sick. I have pneumonia and have basically been flat on my back all week long. The pain was unbearable, felt as if I had an ice pick stabbing me in my lungs. I am still unwell, but am much much better than I was even yesterday.

Daddy came by Thursday and brought me flowers, juices, fruits and Kleenex. He stayed for an hour and rubbed my back. He is sick too now.....hope he didn't catch it from me.

In the meantime, I hate wasting the precious little time I get with him by being sick. We had such a lovely weekend last weekend and it is unlikely either one of us will be up for anything in the next couple of days. Boo.

I have often said you never feel as alone as you do when you are sick. Even though Daddy just lives over the hill, it can take an hour to get to my place. I had to pretty much fend for myself through this pneumonia. I actually burst into tears at the grocery store buying some ice cream. I get pretty emo when I have a fever.

I hate my apartment, I've been here seven years and really need more space. I work from home now too so this tiny one bedroom is becoming much like a prison. Yesterday, I went into the office of my apartment building and asked if they had any apartments closer to where Daddy lives. They do, a 2 bedroom is going for $1900. I cannot afford that. Again, I came back into my little shit hole apartment and began to absolutely ball. I feel trapped and alone and really see no way out of this situation.

Like many people, I am making less than half of what I was two years ago. I just wish one part of my life would straighten out. Daddy said at some point he will take over my finances and we will get all of this stuff straightened out. I did get a commission check last month which really helped me catch up on some bills. Hopefully, I will get another this month or I am royally screwed. Never in my lifetime have I ever been this poor or lived this close to the edge. It is scary.

one foot in front of the other......

Today I feel as if I had a break-thru of sorts. I have mentioned that this is my first experience in a polyamorous relationship and I had huge misgivings coming into this situation. Why on earth should I ever need to share the emotional intimacy with a man I love? I am beautiful, kinky, accomplished and a hell of a lot of fun to be with. I have men throwing themselves at me all day long. Why should I ever agree to settle for a fraction of the emotional relationship I am due? I stuck with this because I love Daddy. I tolerated it for that reason alone.

A month ago he sent me pictures of one of the other women. It cut deeply; I shook and wanted to barf. I wanted to lash out and say how ugly she was and no wonder she was willing to settle for less. This was my insecurity talking. I was not on solid footing with Daddy and I couldn't handle it. He wanted us to meet, it didn't happen because I had a massive melt-down. I wasn't ready....really. I wasn't ready.

Over the last month we have solidified our relationship. I feel secure in what we have and know he loves me. He is making an effort to spend time with me and mold me. My fears of being a number and being played are melting away. He has plans for the future which include me. He will figure it out, he loves me too and wants to be with me. I would not stick around if I felt it were otherwise. I need the day to day interaction and it is soothing to know he would like it too.

Today I asked about the others. Saw pictures, got names. Learned a bit about their personalities. I didn't barf. I didn't shake. Honestly, I really didn't care a bit. It is what it is and he loves me.

So I took another baby step today. I feel there has been progress but it isn't up to me to decide. I am just happy I no longer want to cut those bitches!

showing my pink underbelly

Daddy said something very interesting to me recently. The more we intertwine, the more conflicted he becomes controlling the vicious sadist that we know lies within and the desire to be incredibly tender to me. I must say, I share the same dilemma.

We have a sick connection...and by that I do not mean the conventional mentally ill type deal rather rap lyrics, off the chain, incredibly soul feeding/sucking; we have a wild mad connection. The intensity is scary. The fact we have just begun to scratch the surface exploring our shared dark side and have reached this fevered pitch leaves me at a loss for words.

We went to my company Christmas party today and I had a hard time introducing him to my co-workers. This is D-D-D..er (insert his real name here______) I know most subs get what I am saying regarding having to refer to their Master by name. I never do it. I choke up on it and it feels unnatural and wrong. Daddy suffered through a mostly boring brunch and managed to charm my work family. They like him. Daddy got to see me in a different light as well, with people that love and respect me. Way different setting that we are accustomed to.

We drove home and I just felt good. There were no awkward silences, or weird moments. I enjoyed the quiet comfort of being together. We click. He is so controlled, I made fun of him for having his hands at ten and two...he obviously paid attention in driver's ed (conversely, I steer with my knee while smoking a cig, chugging a latte, taking notes and talking on the phone.)

Upon arrival at my place, the mood changed. He loves that I objectify myself by wearing revealing outfits, having bleached blond hair, wear stilettos and have stripper pink and white nails. I tend to sexualize every conversation I have and he saw it in action today. He sees me for the born whore that I am and I am beginning to see myself in that way too.

I stripped down and we got under the covers. When he sticks his cock inside me it is like I am a computer and you hit CTL ALT DEL. I am reset. While using his holes he tells me how much he enjoys watching me being the trashy fuckhole I was intended to be. He gets me and I extend my neck to him. The only thing I have of value to offer Daddy is my life. It is his. He stopped fucking me and took his belt off of his pants and slipped it around my neck. He pulled taught on the belt and I struggled for breath as he fucked me hard. I struggled for air while constantly gazing in his eyes. I felt myself blacking out..."I'm going. Oh please Daddy!" Everything started to fade..it is a very odd sensation. All I could focus on was his eyes. I started to cum through the hazy darkness.

He's gone and I am reflecting. When I uttered the words, "oh please Daddy!" was I begging him to stop or begging him to go? I cannot imagine a better way to end things, my neck a gift of my life. My last vision his eyes. My last sensation his lips gently touching mine. Oh PLEASE Daddy.

Turn and face the strange.......

There are things in my life that I do which do not serve me well, and if they don't serve me, they most certainly do not serve Daddy. I smoke and tried on my own to stop...unsuccessfully. Daddy has been monitoring my smoking and diminishing how many cigarettes I can have at varying intervals. I am allowed 12 a day now. This is like slooooowwwllyyy pulling off a band-aid. I hate that I have no impulse control and cannot just stop. Partying is another activity which falls under this umbrella. I go out and I drink. It seems that alcohol is at the core of all the activities my friends and I do. With the short week next week, all of my friends are wanting to hook up and go out. I have invitations for every day next week.

I made a bold statement to Daddy. I am going to detox.

He laughed, he thinks I am incapable of doing this. I actually do this at different points when I feel I have been out of control. I just shut it down completely. The first couple of days suck, I tend to sit in the fetal position on my couch but then it just becomes normal and boring. I go out and drink seltzer. Not very fun, but definitely cheaper than my lifestyle has been of late.

I have been feeling so tired and have developed a deep and resonant hack which is disgusting. It is time I lay these things down, especially the cigs. Doc commented on how thin I am but I lack definition. I want my body back, I had Madonna thighs and cut up arms and abs last summer. I want to show Daddy that I can be a good girl and anticipate the changes that he would like to see made. Most importantly, that I can control myself. Sunday brunch time with my gays....God I want Eggs Benedict and a bloody!

Elements in Harmony, blinded me with science....

Mother Nature is a fickle bitch. Not only did Aunt Flo descend on both myself and Kat, she also has a very bad case of the flu which thwarted our weekend plans with Doc. Doc decided to come over here for the night. I made him red curry mussels which were delicious and we drank wine and talked while fending off delirious fever fueled texts from a very sick Kat.

Everybody that meets Doc thinks that we should be together, and they tell us both. Over my birthday last year we had the conversation about why we just couldn't get it together and just BE together. The answer is simple, no chemistry. Mechanically everything works, he is a phenom with the ropes, we both get off when we fuck but it just is blah. It only took us eight years to put our finger on the problem. He is my family by choice and we love each other in spite of knowing every single dirty secret the other one possesses. He is my pudding, not my mate.

This morning, Doc and I went to breakfast with Daddy. Just sitting next to Daddy in the restaurant it took every ounce of self-control I have not to pounce on him. I'm not sure if this makes any sense but I can just FEEL the space between us...electrical. Our knees were touching under the table and from that tiny bit of contact my heart was racing and my skin was burning for more. Daddy was looking at me and I was immediately shy, I just couldn't look back. He has a hold over me that transcends consent, it is more of Mother Nature's wiley ways. I just am his. It is natural and as it should be. Ineffable.

Having two men that I love so much meet and get along means the world to me. I haven't had a chance to talk to Daddy but Doc gave his stamp of approval going as far as to tell me, "don't fuck this up. He is really good for you and just what you need. Stop thinking about it and just do it." Doc went further to say that in our eight year friendship he had only known me to be in love once, which he knew wouldn't work as it was a vanilla relationship. "This will work." HUGE snaps from Doc.

Kat sent more delusional texts to us today trying to lure us into her swine flu infestation zone. As much as I am disappointed, I really don't want to be tonguing the outbreak monkey so we passed. All good things in all good time. I will have to remember that with Daddy as well.

down the rabbit hole

People have been commenting on how good I look this week. Rested, relaxed. I have fought Daddy every step of the way, my nerves have been shot. I've been smoking too much, partying too much and whoring around too much as a coping mechanism. Something has changed, and I can feel it.

Descending into this level of submission is uncharted waters for the girl here. I am stubborn and proud which has created drama and problems. The prospect of losing autonomy, changing my behavior and wrapping my head around this unique type of relationship has be frightening to me.

One of my personal anthems is Joni Mitchell's All I Want and I have been thinking about a lyric which is apt for my internal turmoil, "I love you when I forget about me." Daddy has repeatedly told me to focus on service and not on me me me. This message clicked somehow this week, honestly, I think it was the second he landed the blow to my cheek last weekend. I am owned, I am his.....if he didn't care he wouldn't go to the trouble of correcting me.

He can feel the change in me too. The time we have spent together this week has been magical. We say things at the same time, have the same thoughts, I intuit him. I am becoming part of him. As a result, the intimacy we share is intensifying and going to some dark places. The boundaries that seemed so certain and clear are blurred. I WANT to share these things with him. The depth, the passion, the fire is surprising us both and is intoxicating.

We began the process of inducing lactation this week as well. I began taking Fenugreek, eating oatmeal, massaging my breasts several times a day. Daddy ordered a pump which will hopefully come soon. As I massage my tits the arousal is unbearable. I cannot wait to be his dairy cow and have a use for these things. Feeding him from my body is such an erotic concept. I fantasize about weaving daisies in my hair, bell around my neck, Daddy at my breast. I want to be the most beautiful cow he has ever seen.

back to center

Things are stabilizing. This is a good thing. I had a rock star weekend, highlight being spending Saturday night with Daddy. We had some business to take care of, namely a hard back hand to the face and discussion of why my behavior last week was unacceptable. I sported a nice bruise on my face but I could not complain, I had earned it. Daddy had several ideas of things to do but we ended up leaving my bed only to get dinner. It was a nice night. He fucked me until I literally had matts in my hair.

I spent Monday attending a work event with him. I enjoy being in his presence. I love watching him interact with other people. I am proud to be on his arm with a plug shoved deep in my ass as a reminder I am owned.

I was invited to go to another work related event tonight with him. I will likely go as I am not going to see him again until next week. I enjoy the vanilla times I get to spend with Daddy and the conversations about normal things. I just have to trust and not let my fear and anxiety get in the way. Thankfully, he isn't letting me go.....this process will be only as bumpy and painful as I make it.

I am spending this weekend with my old Dom Doc and one of his toys, Kat. She is the first and only woman I have been with. I have to admit, I have quite a crush on her. We are spending the weekend at her house hot tubbing, eating, drinking wine and having a weekend of non-stop sex. I'm excited as Doc is like salve on every wound to me....we have been best friends for eight years and Kat is well.....sexy and as inexperienced as I am with the girl on girl stuff. I am hoping to hone some lezzie chops with her help. I was hoping to include Daddy in the flesh pile, but it is Doc's party and he didn't feel comfortable having not met him and knowing if there is any chemistry. Next time.......

lesbe friends

2 AM. I just got home from a night with my kittens (lesbians that adore me.)



I met Gaypril tonight. I must wear "submissive" on my forehead. Gaypril is Asian and I am normally not into ethnic types by she was cool as hell. She literally is a rocket sceintist. We geeked out. Oh yes, she is also a semi pro Domme.

OMG, we geeked the fuck out



I like her a lot.

The Fear

What a difference a day makes. When I am upset, I just shut down. I know I have a very sharp tongue on me so I just don't talk. Experience has taught me that I cannot control the vicious things that fly out of my mouth so it's best to just go silent. Well, this is a problem for Daddy and understandably so. I am feeling much better today, that ache in my stomach is dissipating but now I have an ache in my heart.

I have disappointed him and he has cancelled plans to have me meet his other submissive, I'm not ready. I have to say, I do agree with him here. We have recently gotten back together after a break-up. I am still concerned that our relationship is built on a house of cards. He did not keep his word to me this week and when I don't see him I become off-center. I want us to be strong together before he plunges me into unfamiliar territory. I think he often overestimates my capabilities as a slave. Physically I am adept but there is so much foreign emotional territory which I do not know how to deal with. I am not accustomed to being emotional and I hate it.

I feel that we have taken a step back in our journey. I am sad but I don't know how I could have handled things differently. I don't have the tools.

Last night, I went to WeHo for a CD release party for some of my friends. I took my GirlCrush and my fuck buddy PopStar. We got drunk and I danced it out. A little sex candy didn't hurt either. I don't want to have to turn to others for comfort, I want Daddy to be the source of that. He is doubting me and now that is feeding every fear I have. The sense of loss is overwhelming. I had better figure this out quickly or he will just go and make another me.

puzzle pieces.......

A slut with needs. This has been a concept I have been tossing around in my head all week. Does submission mean that one is no longer to have their needs met in the relationship? At the core, we are human beings first and certain things are non-negotiable such as breathing (which can be interrupted for short periods of time by our Doms, yum!) As I try to wrap my head around this polyamory stuff I tend to get very pragmatic about my position and how my needs can be met long-term.

Spelunking my brain for my psych 101 class, I remembered Mazlo's hierarchy of needs. As I study the triangle above, it occurs to me I am meeting every single one of those needs on my own today. (With the sex part I get by with a little help from my friends.) Recognizing that I am a pretty highly functional human being first and submissive second, it begs the question how does this relationship stand to improve any of those blocks on the chart.

Daddy told me there is a benefit to me in this situation....I asked him what it was. "You have a family." I already have a family. Additionally, I had no desire to live in my sorority house when I was in one because frankly, groups of women together is a nightmare. As much as I love him, this prospect does not appeal to me in the least. I am struggling with my desire to be with him and a willingness to continue down a path which is his fetish, not even remotely mine.

I know I am freaking out. Triggered first by seeing a pic of another one of his submissives, the one I am to meet Saturday. Second, by not seeing him at all this week.....he didn't keep his word to me. And finally finding out last night that this submissive is moving into a condo he owns directly across the street from where he shares his home with another, they have been together 2 1/2 years. I should not have a constant pit in my stomach.

Daddy has accused me of coming from a place of insecurity. Maybe. As I get more and more pieces of this puzzle (dished out at a painstakingly slow pace) I am seeing a future that does not look very promising. I would NEVER be that chick that has been sitting around waiting for something to move forward for nearly three years. I don't want to be strung along with hollow promises that he is unable to keep and end up living alone for the rest of my life. As Mae West said, "an ounce of performance is worth a pound of promises."

He is angry with me for pulling away. His feelings are waning with my sadness. All I know is I haven't slept, I chain smoked a pack of cigarettes last night and have been alone all week. I am so tired of sleeping in a cold empty bed every single night. Polyamory is fun isn't it?

Smolder....

Well I was made to write my thoughts on focusing outward today....I am sure this is NOT the right answer, only the truthful one. Thoughts?

Turning inward is something I often do when life becomes too much and I need to self-soothe, cocooning. I have been alone for such a long time. Living for yourself sounds great on paper, but in practice is unfulfilling. I have been a hedonistic slut running amok for a while now. I am out of control and crave to be reined in. Don't get me wrong, it has been a fun time and I have met amazing people and have had wonderful experiences but in the end it is shallow. The fact that I am focused internally rather than externally has been a coping mechanism. I plan. I party. I go out because I just don't want to be alone, and don't have to be.

Learning to focus externally is proving to be a challenge. I am not one that will suffer and wear that as a badge of submissive courage as so many others will. I am not submissive to become more isolated and lonely. I do not Dom myself and submission in a vacuum is not submission to me, just stupidity. As the relationship with Daddy progresses, I am given more tasks to focus on. We see each other more frequently. I am offered many opportunities to focus outward, and think about him. I am sure as we continue down this path, more of my actions will be tailored to his needs providing more opportunity to serve. Eventually it will be woven into everything I do and everything I think. He has told me more than once to focus on the process.

Patience is something Daddy told me I lack. I know I race for the finish line.....it is the same compulsion which made my copy of Judy Blume's 'Forever' flop open to all of the dirty parts as a pubescent girl. Aren't a lot of us sluts adrenaline junkies? Daddy wants to both put his hands in the flame and beat it down. There is a happy medium there somewhere, smolder perhaps. Patience is a two-way street (preparing for a face slap for that cheeky remark!)

My ability to be altruistic is unparalleled although it is unlikely I will find nirvana balling a pair of socks (isn't that why God made domestics?) My hope is Daddy gives me the time and the environment to cultivate this part of me. As Jim Elliot said, "He is no fool who gives that which he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." I am willing to give everything on faith.

Big Love

That familiar wave of sick washed over me today when I was confronted with something I really didn't want to see. Daddy is a polygamist, I knew this going in and was cause for MAJOR concern for me entering into this relationship. I was looking for a Clyde to my Bonnie.....a partner in crime with whom I can share the most intimate of relationships. Sharing my Dom physically with others has never been an issue with me but this is different. He develops emotional connections and long-term partners. This has been a huge hurdle for me to overcome. So today, Daddy and I make plans to go to an erotic art showing this Saturday together....then he drops the bomb. He is inviting another one of his submissives to join us. Knowing this is occurring on an intellectual level is one thing but when he sent me her pictures the reality of my situation came down on me like a ton of bricks. I started shaking and broke out in a cold sweat. In the picture, she is wearing a collar (I don't have one of those,) latex....doing things that I know Daddy finds erotic. I wanted to cry. We talked and I told him my thoughts, I am not unique nor special and this cannot go anywhere. It cheapens the experiences I have had with him because they are not organic or specific to me. The visual documentation saddened me. He reassured me that this was his way of further integrating me into his life. He is sharing with me and I am becoming more deeply woven into his life. That he would entrust me with this is a sign he is pleased with me, and in some ways (sic) I am already primary in his heart yet I see it in a negative and opposite fashion. I can't help but wonder if he is saying the same to her. I am trying to adapt with equanimity but some things are harder to swallow than others. Today was a toughie for the girl here.

Enema dependence

Daddy intends to take everything away from me, and I mean EVERYTHING. I will be dismantled stone by stone and rebuilt as a tailor made whore. If it doesn't serve him, it has to go. Surprisingly to me, bodily functions fall into this category. My initial response to his news that we would begin to develop enema dependence was, hellzzzzzzzzz no! This is permanent. Hard core. The process is simple; administering a warm water enema every third day until I can no longer eliminate without them. The purpose is equally simple; make my ass clean and available at all times and deepen my submission with this alteration. Of course, I acquiesced. I started the enema regimen and then told him. He was very pleased with me. It's funny how things work, the more my submission is expressed, the greater his devotion to enslaving me. THAT is the drug right there, swoon. I just finished my sixth round and it seems to be working. I am taking these things like a champ! So far, I have experienced no ill effects. If anything the process is driving me deeper into my commitment to him. There will be a point of no return with this and I am willingly pushing past it.

Shopping! My fav!

Happy slut! What a wonderful day I had today with Daddy. He surprised me by being available a couple of hours early and took me to lunch. We went to the Los Angeles institution, Phillipe's where the french dip was invented. Long line waiting, but I didn't mind. Daddy helped pass the time by rocking the plug embedded deep in my raw ass and clutching handfuls of my skin through my dress. Leisurely lunch followed by a trip to J.T.'s Stockroom. We were shopping for the perfect plug, silicone based and intended for long term wear. I am a picky slut when it comes to plugs and we found one that is very close...we shall see how it fares over time. So far, I am pleased with the wearability. I also tried on a few latex pieces. I have never worn latex so this was exciting for me. He picked a black latex skirt as my first piece. I tried on another dress which he loved, but it was a tad too small and I looked something like a sausage stuffed in a casing. He paid for our stuff and we came back to my apartment.

I was stripped and made to lay on the bed with my arms behind my neck and knees parted. Daddy took off his belt, that bloody belt! I was aware I still had a decent bruise on my mons from last Thursday so I winced before the first blow was stricken. I am trying to work on the defensive posturing, but it is so difficult not to want to cover my tender underbelly from the full force lashes on my tits, belly, pussy and inner thighs. I was stripey like some weird pink and white zebra. Daddy mounted me and stuck his cock into his pussy. When I feel his cock slip in, I immediately feel centered and safe. He fucked me hard and covered my mouth and nose. I have a horrible time with that and I clawed his hands off of my face. My action was met with several hard and sharp cracks to my face. I was warned, "If you ever move my hand away again slut, I will leave you. Understand?" He wrapped his hand around my throat and told me to cum or black out. I don't know how to cum on command....that is not a factory installed feature. He asked, "which will it be whore?" and I told him I didn't know how to so black out...he tapped my head and told me it was all up there. I focused and felt the pressure increase on my neck, it was a race against the clock. SOMEHOW I managed to cum. There is a point when Daddy is using me when I cannot tell where I stop and he starts. I feel as if I am a part of him and am a feral sex slave. I just take the cock, as simple as that. He flipped me over, yanked the plug out of my ass then fucked that hole. He pressed his cheek to mine and talked to me. I hungered for his kisses and love feeling his breath on my face. Again, I could not tell where my body ended and his began. He told me I would become a part of him and it is so evident when he is fucking me. He rode me hard and came. He lay on top of me and told me to feel his cum pumping into my body. Feel it fill me up. We lay there for a while. It was delicious. I cuddled in his arms for a while. Quiet, close, safe. I love him.

Daddy had to go to a work function tonight so he had to leave. Bittersweet as I feel sore in all the right places and so happy...but wondering when I will get to see him again. This is the hardest part for me. Daddy is busy and has God knows how many other sluts to attend to so I don't get to see him as often as I would like. Countdown to subdrop........

Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride....

I have had many BDSM relationships of varying intensities over the years. The body has been easy to give, the heart to some, but I have never been able to give my mind. When I think about some of the Doms I have been with, they have been overweight, not had a pot to piss in, drink too much or are rash and emotional. Why would I entrust my life to someone that clearly cannot manage their own? Master C has now changed this. I am on the precipice of my own destruction, and I welcome it. We are at the beginning of our relationship and I wanted to document the journey. It has been an incredibly hard internal struggle for me to get to this place. This is not play, there is no time-out, no safeword...this is real genuINE TPE. According to Master, there is his way and everything else falls under the category "Tough Shit." This is the control I have craved my entire life. I will have to leave my musings until another time...Daddy called and is coming early to take me to lunch! I have to go get ready!