missed the brass ring

Work night, feeling like whoring around a bit. Dinner invite from SoonToBeFamousGuy. Watching Diary of a Call Girl while getting ready. Why can I not have Billie's stylist (and shoes??) Louboutins!

Daddy called and got off his shoot early and wanted me to go to a work event with him. He is in my neighborhood...dammit! Planting seeds, can't cancel.

Looking as cute as I can without a stylist. It's pretty cute.

Incestual Pudding

It is the height of laziness when we were too tired to get going with the new corset last night. Daddy and I were naked and watching movies in bed when we both decided to leave it until later in the week. My churning belly full of Indian food also helped make that decision more palatable. I put the corset on for 15 minutes this week and was nauseated. This is going to be harder than I thought.

Daddy came up early yesterday and we went to another polyamory support group. Unfortunately, in the second half he leaned over and asked if I was going to say something and I did. For the rest of the hour we became the floor show. I didn't care for that at all, nor did he. By the time we left, I was exhausted from barfing up my feelings. I have asked him to set up a night bowling or something with The Others so I can become a part of that dynamic. I have lunch with The One I Don't Like this coming Thursday. I initiated that as well. I am making an effort.

I got some good advice from a wonderful woman in the group. She is in a triad and has a lot of problems with the third in her relationship. She said she understands how hard it is to take in someones resentment, anger, hostility. She suggested I try to stay above the fray and try to understand where this is coming from and approach it with openness rather than defensiveness. My fear is I do tend to respond to the negative energy someone else projects. I don't care what Daddy says, I felt it, it was real and I trust my intuition. A good friend of mine V said to me last week, "they say submissives have thin skins. I maintain that a good submissive has NO skin and everything is a raw nerve." I have to agree with that. I think I am so good with people personally and professionally due to the fact I have this intuition. The flip-side is that the unsaid becomes manifest and you cannot always articulate why you have a good/viscerial response to a situation or a person. It just is, and I take all that emotion and internalize it. My friend V also said that a good Dom takes care of his slave/sub "emotionally, physically as well as intuitively. To dismiss this sensitivity is to ignore a large part of what makes a slave function." I think I love her, wish she wasn't half way around the world.

We shall see if I can function as part of this unit. I don't do "chick" as a threshold matter so women can be exacerbating to me. Doc will be staying the night tomorrow. I am really looking forward to some serious cuddle time. We have some mad Flowers in the Attic vibe between us (for those of you that remember that pubescent jerk off book series.) Brother and sister in an abusive relationship that find comfort in their incestuous (and graphic) love affair. Doc and I will hold each other and talk for hours. I don't need to fuck him. In my sex as food game, I characterize him as "my pudding." Soft, comforting and enveloping. He is also struggling with having a poly relationship so I know we will have a lot to discuss.

muddy waters

Very excited today as I finally got the thumbs up to begin corset training. This is the corset I bought to begin. Simply gorgeous! Just another step down the ruinous path for me and I couldn't be happier!

After our horrible weekend I have been struggling with having an authentic relationship with Daddy. Polyamory really plays some fucked up games on your brain. I realized Saturday night that although he may miss parts of me, he can just slap a cig and some latex on some other bitch and pretty much be okay. Me, I am fucked. I have invested a lot in this relationship and would mostly be lost. I don't have a soft place to land in the event this ever ended...he has several places. All with boobs.

The connection we have is real. It is. I have no question of that. He has real and unique connections with The Others. We are the same in our "unique" relationships with him. I tried to have lunch with The One I Don't Like this week, got pushed to next week. I want to see what he sees in her. I still stand by my initial assessment that she was sending hostile vibes to be at brunch, she didn't like me. I am very sensitive to the feelings of those around me, I am usually right about these things. She agreed to lunch easily enough. I pray I can find some quality I find likable. If I'm in the polyamory shit, I may as well really dive in. I have not been exposed to what the fuck that means...maybe this is a step. This weekend Daddy told me that I had to WANT this type of relationship. Honestly, I don't know what the fuck it is. How can I WANT something I don't understand?

If we are to create something enduring he has to invite me more into his world, and I have to embrace it. I am the odd man out. Doc reminded me today that I am the expendable one as I have the least time in and no financial or professional entanglements with him as The Others. Thanks Doc! My goal has always been to create something genuinely unique and long-lasting. I think we have to components here and neither one of us is yet willing to let go. Today Daddy told me I fit him. It really isn't him I am worried about, it is fitting in and being incorporated with the rest.

don't drink, don't smoke...what do you do?

I want to be better. Something Daddy said to me resonated Saturday night. He is very concerned about my lashing out then going to hurt myself by abusing prescription medication and alcohol. Cigarettes too. I have been thinking a lot about that. He is right. I just need to stop this.

I went out with my gays yesterday and got fucked up. It was fun and happy but you know, I'm getting too old for this shit. I have been in so much pain with this relationship and have been trying to numb myself and push down those emotions. I am uncomfortable feeling things.

Many of our problems have stemmed from my self-medicating. I say horrible things and get mean. He is right to be concerned as I have been too. Today, I threw out all my meds. I'm not going to drink for a while either. He is right. I don't want my emotions to be exacerbated by these things. It is time to let this stuff go and just deal with my feelings.

I have gone months without drinking and taking meds. I can be a social drinker but I think lately, I am going down a slippery slope. It may be more difficult to face my problems directly, but I owe it to myself and Daddy to do so. By posting this I am making a commitment to myself. Daddy hasn't asked me to give these things up, but I am going to do so of my own accord.

As if it were a sign from the universe, my favorite yoga teacher just sent an email as I was typing this saying he now has a new Monday night class! I'm a firm believer that good choices lead to good outcomes. I will be there!

path less travelled

Being a lover can be exhausting. Being a submissive can be soul sucking.

Strike ten billion with Daddy last night. I was a dick Friday. I know what I say can be cutting and vicious. Why and how he sticks with me is a mystery. I know I try to push him away as I know this is wrong. My Catholic Republican upbringing tells me so. Mr. MBA always says, "would you tell your father about this relationship??" Nope, no fucking way.

Can you reconcile these types of BDSM, in my case M/s, relationships with the real world? We argue. I am not proud of what I do and need behind closed doors. I am a whore. I understand this on a deep level. In the past I could cloak this behind a more traditional relationship and pass. I can't now.

He asked me to embody the relationship last night. Embrace the uncommon bond we have as a "family" and want it, really WANT it. I want him. I have no understanding of the lifestyle he proscribes. I don't think he appreciates how much I give up to be with him. The cost to me is huge and taxing on my values. He has integrity which I know he values above all else. So do I. The only thing I take to my grave is my name. What legacy do I want to leave?

In the event we get to do this project together, I will be full-on out there. The Marsha that we all know will be gone, doors closing. I would be putting my trust in him 100% and leaving myself behind in every form and fashion. I do not want to shame my family name. Ultimately, that is all I own. They say your last pair of pants have no pockets. Your name lives on. It matters.

Lez not be friends...

Last night I had an unexpected surprise. One of my lesbian friends has been trying to hook me up and the woman called me last night. Was in my neighborhood and at my door in ten minutes. Happened quickly. I realized early on that it was not going to be a good fit for me. She wasn't that cute and was a pretty militant lesbian. I was going to dismiss her but then Daddy and I got into an argument and he got dismissive with me, called me an ass. What the fuck, why not? No reason I can't cum tonight too.

I took her to a neighborhood bar where there is live music. Amazing R&B bands and the entire place gets packed and thumping. We had a great time, drank....smoked (yup, I'm going to be in trouble for that.) I brought her back to my place and grudge fucked her. Didn't break in the Feeldoe, just wasn't feeling like I wanted to try to figure that shit out. Just lots of kissing and rubbing. She went down on me and got me to squirt. God that feels so fucking good! I haven't squirted in a while. I got off a few times, got her off. In the end it was grossly unsatisfying. Just sex. I won't see her again, really didn't care for her as a person. Plus she lives in Long Beach.

This morning I feel like crap, was out too late, too many cigs and I am hacking up a lung and a mild hangover. Got her out of here a couple of hours ago. Gong to yoga then have a shitload of housework to do. Supposed to see Daddy tonight, not sure if he will come over because I smoked last night. That was our deal. He may make an exception because I was lezzing out which he is encouraging. Hey, she was smoking and tasted gross! It helped overcome that barrier. Can't believe anyone ever kissed me the many years I smoked. Yuck.

Still feeling a bit Cinderella-esque today. My bed might as well have been empty. Very hollow experience.

just right

Do you ever just feel like Cinderella? I mean today I just wanted to scream at the universe, "WHY DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE ME FOR THE FUCKING PRINCESS THAT I AM ALREADY??" Bad day. I feel like I am always scrubbing floors and wearing ugly shit while others that are less worthy spend their days at the ball. Ugh. I have a whole lotta good karma coming my way. I hope it chokes me to death.

I was crying today as Daddy was so wonderful. I am so afraid me and my big mouth are going to fuck shit up. He promised it can't and we will have the life we are planning together. Yup, cried like a fucking baby. Joni Mitchell days are ALWAYS bad on the emo level. She just says it all to me. Did a sales call without looking in the mirror, looked like Patsy from AbFab. Please see above picture, it really is scary it is such a perfect resemblance. (my best friend from home and college roomie..there were so many others actually thought this was me when I posted this as my FB profile pic. Fantastic!)

So, last night when he left I had the feeling I should move my car into the car port. I leave it open when I know he is coming as parking in this neighborhood can be an absolute bitch. Little loving thing I try to do for him. When he leaves I NEVER move my car. Last night, I just had a Spidey sense I should. This morning while walking my dogs I saw there were cars that had been broken into, including the car that took my vacated spot. When I told him about that he got worried about our cars here. FUCK YEA! Me and my big mouth give Daddy yet ANOTHER reason no to want to come over here. Stupid mouth, when am I going to learn. Oh, and now he is only coming here in the hoopdie shit car, perfect...a pumpkin.

He said that it just made him more anxious to get me closer to him. Awww. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned there was a studio available close to him that was affordable. A studio. I am busting out of, and working from, my 1 bedroom here. I need a 2 bedroom at least. Suicidal slut would not be fun for him so I declined looking at it. Really, a fucking STUDIO??? Jesus, if I could not feel more second string it would be fucking incredible. Cinderella. I hate a good portion of my life.

I had less than my regular Mother Theresa patience for people today. I was cranky and snappy. I recognized it in myself and could tell it was upsetting to those I talked to. I am direct and factual usually...today FUCK DAT! Sarcastic and short. I usually can contain that in my "inside my head voice" professionally.

So Daddy called me. Dropped a bombshell. We have a business opportunity together. What?? Pretty cool deal, kind of a long shot but still...he is pinning a flag on me that we can be successful together. He turned my frown upside down! The business deal is cool, weather or not it proceeds with me is of no import. He believes in me. Wow. I think the glass slipper kind of fits...

Joy goalie

Saw Daddy last night. As we were parting ways I told him how much I miss him when I don't see him. He made some comment on how he only needs to be with me once a week to sustain him. He meant it as a compliment somehow, but it really didn't resonate as one. I made a comment back to him and he told me that I can always find a way to suck all the joy out of a moment for him. Greaaaat.....

As I was walking back to my apartment, this Joni song came into my mind. My relationship status permeates every aspect of my life. The bittersweet nature of our relationship is not lost on me. This week, it kind of seems I can't do anything right. I'm trying. Once a week will not sustain me. I have ample time to think about that the six nights a week I go to bed alone and the seven mornings per week I wake up as such. I try not to go to bad places with this but sometimes it is hard.

No sleep worrying about last night. One endless anxiety attack, the familiar sensation of adrenalin pumping and no place to run. Sickening, feeling as if I should vomit but cannot. It really isn't that dramatic which I understand on an intellectual level. I just wish my body would cooperate. Now I get to trudge though my day exhausted.

He thinks I am beautiful. The energy we share together is unique in both of our experiences. I just wish we could share more peaks than valleys. I hate that one comment from me colored our entire evening. I am very sensitive and am likely giving this more energy than it deserves. I just want to be perfect for him and I am sooooo far away from that goal. He's in my blood, it would be so much easier if he were not.

hello Xanax! my secret lover

Pretty happy now due to pharmaceuticals.I don't often take the pills lately but they re-set my hard drive. I get right. Dammit! I hate my brain is short circuiting! Have a bunch of messed up financial stuff going on, these panic attacks are wicked bad.

Daddy gets I am fucked up. So, we talk (bad idea for the whore!) I am so ok with our situation I sent The One I Don't Like an email, asking her to lunch. I know I have to make that part of the relationship work. Everything I do now is for us. I am working harder as I know that is the only way we will meet our common goals. I think about every bite of food I put in my mouth and if he would approve or not. I do as told. I want this relationship more than I have wanted anything in my life. His situation with the two other women really fucks me but I am willing to do more than my share to make this work. It should not be this hard for me.

I'm not expecting him to agree with me. He loves The One I Don't Like and has history with her. I hope to come to see her through his eyes. I don't like the discord and would prefer to be perfectly aligned with him. I love him so much it is physically painful for me at times.

coming around

Something has shifted inside me. I am afraid to look at it too closely as I don't want to tempt fate. I am myself again. I have accepted and embraced my slavery. More importantly, I have accepted polyamory. It feels good not to have the endless sick feeling and despair I have had for months on end.

Daddy has stopped pushing The One I Don't Like on me sexually and trying to convince me of her value and beauty. I appreciate that. He held her body up as slamming and my thoughts are, "sure...I can do bone protruding anorexia too." If that is the body style he likes, no problem. I used to weigh 115 lbs at 5'9 when I was modeling. I know how to do starvation and gym. Unfortunately, having dropped 10 lbs in the last month and a half I have lost an entire cup size and any ass I may have had before. I am 41 going on 42, my bff called me Skeletor last Friday. None of my clothes fit. Just going to do it so I can prove a point.

We celebrated Valentines Day last night. Grazed on finger food, beautiful cheese I bought at the specialty cheese store, shrimp, chocolate covered strawberries and the like. He cuffed my wrists and ankles. I danced for him, fucked a dildo while sucking him, spreader bars, got whipped with that bloody belt, repeatedly slapped and spit on and choked, peed on (which I actually enjoyed!!)...nirvana. He really loves me. He says he doesn't like hitting the bitches, but his dilated pupils tell a different story. We feed each other and find some very dark places together. We are a "pure match" in his words.

It's only been six months or so and we were talking about this last Thursday when Daddy was here. The intensity is not waning, it is going deeper. I do not want to imagine a day when I am not owned by him. I have genuinely turned a corner and know my place is to serve him. He has the ability to reduce me to my core purpose; three hungry holes to use. He was fucking me from the side last night, bending my body at awkward angles and it really hurt. I was part of him, no longer and individual. I was moaning like the shameful whore that I am. Just holes for his pleasure and the most base animalistic response available to me. "Jesus, your devotion is intoxicating," Daddy texted me yesterday. It is for me too Daddy.

fake it don't break it mama

Friday night Daddy left me chatting with a potential "girl"friend. Invested some time chatting. We got along very well and Saturday morning she hit me up again. At some point I felt "she" was a faker and told her chat was over until I got a call. Got an IM this morning, "Marsha, I'm sorry this is moving too fast for me. Hope I didn't hurt you." My reply, "Nope, good luck to you and don't get your peen stuck in your zipper on the way out." Fakers.

Saturday was a BLAST! Daddy came over and we took pics. My girly bits have never been immortialized on film. I have always been a firm believer in, "leave no footprints." I will admit I was scared. Like my pretend gf, I decided just to fake it till I made it. Daddy is an amazing photographer and very creative. We had so much fun doing it and we got some great pictures. It was really cool to see myself through his eyes. He made me look really beautiful. I'm proud of what we did, we got some really cool shots.

Afterward, we fucked. Sometimes he just lays on top of me and talks while he slowly fucks me. He has noticed a change in my behavior. A good change. I have become a partner to him and he loves me. He is proud of me and wants me to thrive. All good stuff. I was happy and giggly again. Feels good to be myself. Whatever that dark cloud was, it seems to have lifted.

Talked to my friend the Photog this morning regarding the Betty Page shoot. We are going all out, hiring hair and make-up people. He LOVED my (actually Daddy's) idea to do a modern pin-up shoot in latex. I've asked Daddy to help me plan the wardrobe. Will be costly but worth it. The Photog brings out a really playful side of me and Daddy taps into my inner whore. I've asked him to be there. These pics will be fun.

I've been blue. In psychology, there is a thing called "learned helplessness." What the study entailed was the researchers strapped a live dog to a metal plate and shocked it. Of course the dog struggled to get away, but it could not as it was secured in place. They would shock the dog over and over until eventually the dog would just lay there and take it having come to the conclusion that resistance was futile. I think I have been shocked one too many times. I feel numb.

To be more precise, I wish it were just numb. There is a pit in my stomach and jabs of anxiety mixed in there. I can't seem to find anything positive to focus on. Even when my life is a total train wreck I have things I find pleasure and joy in. I have no energy and everything feels like a chore over the last couple of weeks. Daddy described my demeanor as "morose" when he saw me last night. He wants me to be happy. Me too.

Daddy says I am settling in, but I wonder at what cost? I feel like the spark that makes me who I am is being quashed. Last night he held me and told me that everything will be okay and we will have the life we have talked about. He will take care of me. Then we fucked, hot and intense as usual. Hair pulling, scratching, biting, spitting, slapping, hard pounding. That put me in a way better mood. I made dinner and then we watched some movies. I was thinking I should start calling my blog submission and eating as I seem to be always talking about food. I enjoy feeding him. Then, of course, he left.

Another shitty day today. I can't focus on my work which is piling up. I dread another night alone in this apartment. I crave stimulation. The carpet cleaners are coming so I really must run and go clean up all of my incriminating slut stuff. What I REALLY want to do is down a bottle of wine and smoke. Not allowed.

idle hands

Projects projects. The quest for my girlfriend continues. I am not having much luck honestly. I think I have actually found some good places to look and baited quite a few hooks this morning. Daddy helped. Now I wait and see who nibbles. I also need to work on finding a more reliable fuck buddy. I HATE not getting laid regularly. I am a sex slave, duh. That is what I do.

Daddy is coming over tomorrow and we are going to plan my pictures he is going to take of me Saturday for the escort thing. I need to do more research online and see what we should be aiming for. My photographer friend disappeared for a while but he has come back and also wants to start planning for our photo shoot. We have decided on a Betty Page inspired pin-up theme. My gays are going to come with me, it will be fun. Additionally, GirlCrush has expressed a desire to photograph me. Why not?

Doc and I spoke today and he may be able to make it down the weekend of the 20th. I contacted Kat to see if she is game. He has agreed to teach me rope bondage yay! He is quite the phenom with the ropes and is very cautious and careful. This is important to me because I think I may have some permanent nerve damage from bad bondage by The Sadist last summer. You can really screw someone up if you aren't careful. If I am going to have a pet, I do want some skillz to bring to the table. Additionally, I am really excited to break in my feeldoe!

Other normal stuff like work, laundry, yoga. Sigh. There are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. The good news is that I have not had one fit this last week, being busy suits me. I also had an epiphany last night. I have always shared everything in my life. I am generous most likely to a fault with my time, money, love... I do derive such pleasure in bringing people together and making connections. I want to share everything good in my life with everyone I love. Polyamory is doing just that. As long as Daddy does what he said he will I think I will be fine with this. I am not a patient person at all and understand that this will take some time. The fear I am being strung along and duped is there. I do think it is irrational. He loves me. He wants these things too. I have to hold onto that.

moving on...

Randomness. As Daddy and I talk about me moving to his neighborhood I am getting nostalgic about where I live. I have been here for seven years. My apartment is a piece of shit but it is like being home in a big city, I can walk everywhere. Just got back from the market where Carmen checked me out. "Hey Marsha!! How are you doing girl?" My retarded bagger Ron, "Marsha, have time for a joke?" I always have time for Ron's jokes, I find his spirit and joi de vivre inspiring. They are clean, complicated and funny as hell. The flower department lady Jeanine sold me gorgeous roses last weekend, Daddy even commented on them. I will be so sad to leave here.

Got a pass on the essay. Chatted with Daddy today and told him how happy I am that he is involved in my finding a girlfriend, first plus for polyamory! Tah dah! End of essay. *jazz hands!* I told him my experience so far has been negative and I don't have enough exposure to the situation to properly access it. He will let me do the essay when I have something to say. I really love he has not one jealous bone in his body. That came up in the support group that other people perceive lack of jealousy as lack of involvement or concern. Not me, I am grateful for that. I am stupidly unaware of any attention I get and past Doms/boyfriends have had issue with that. When Daddy accuses me of being jealous of The Other I Don't Like and the male attention she draws and am competitive, I have to laugh. I am so stupid the attention I get is so far off radar, I don't even get when I am on a date and dating a dude for months. I actually found myself dating an ex boss for a couple of months and had NO idea. I am blissfully unaware and it is of no import to me.

I sent The Other I Don't Like and email last night. I am trying to be nice and extend a hand. I may not want to fuck her (by the way, well played bitch. I get what is going on.) but I know I need to get along. Hopefully I will bring some fresh, fun, cool meat into play and Daddy will give me a pass on fucking her. I don't want to be mean and I know I would wear my disdain on my sleeve. Ultimately he is very kind and responsible, I know he wouldn't want to open her up to being hurt. I am an open book and know I would do so. It really would be unintentional, I am a really nice person at heart.

Someone else was questioning me at the group session Saturday. He queried if I were looking to become primary and displace the current stuff going on for Daddy. Honestly, it never occurred to me. That has never been my goal. Our relationship has been OUR relationship. I don't need to be queen bee and am not looking to change him or tip his apple cart at all. Again, I have A TON of freedom and flexibility with him which I do not take for granted. I just want a future and possibilities. Something I have a hard time seeing sometimes because of his pre-existing relationships. Minus for polyamory. His bed is already full.