all we ever do is talk talk....

Monday morning quarterbacking the events of last week, on a Sunday. Yeah, I'm a rebel. This week was full of ups and downs. Saw Daddy Wednesday night and had more uncomfortable conversation about my behavior. Went to a polyamory support group with him yesterday afternoon. I was glad he came with me. I want him to know I am really making a genuine effort.

I vomited out my reasons for being there in my introduction to the group; difficulty dealing with the jealousy, not recognizing myself, turning into a banshee, resentment and other such horrible emotions. It is a common thread in these types of relationships and how others deal is varied. I have to say, I did find it helpful. I didn't get the magic bean I had hoped for but knowing this is somewhat of a universal experience was helpful to me. I think I am going to go to the next one. I hope Daddy got something out of it too, he believes submission is a line in the sand you step over and never look back. I befriended a woman that said she cried, journaled, went to support groups, posted on the poly blogs for a year and a half in order to get her jealousy under control. She brought up something very interesting to me yesterday as well, there is a certain amount of mourning that goes hand in hand with this. I will never be married, I will have to hide my lifestyle from my friends and family...things you take for granted in a more traditional relationship.

I was feeling positive about the steps I had made and in the car Daddy brought up one of The Others, the one I do not like. I see this internal struggle as interconnected and feel as if I can conquer one, I can conquer all of the negative feelings I harbor, including my feelings about The Other. I felt deflated. He projected jealousy that genuinely is not there. I am resentful of the access she has and her living situation. I honestly am not looking at her at comparing myself to her. Well, maybe I am a bit. I find her ridiculous. Daddy thinks she is hot and sexy which is his prerogative, I do not share his opinion (which is mine.) Friday he told me she wants to fuck me, of course she does. I do not find her attractive in the least. Perhaps over time I will come to like her but I am sorry I said anything to him. The only way for us to develop a relationship is to spend more time with her. I will paint a smile on my face and get along while looking for some commonality. Failure is not an option.

I am a very loving person. I have many close friends that have become my extended family. I still talk to my best friend since 3rd grade regularly (we were spelling partners which I suspect is why neither one of us can spell today, too busy fucking around and forming a life-long friendship.) I have the ability to make and maintain loving relationships for decades. I have been thrown into this family without any say in the picking but I know I can open my heart. With some people you just have to dig a little deeper. Daddy is sure that I can thrive in this relationship and told me to trust his judgement. I am supposed to write an essay about the benefits of polyamory this week. I still don't see them, going to be a very short essay indeed.

put baby back in the corner

I think he broke my brain. I snapped last night. Flipped the fuck out is more like it. I didn't talk to him all day yesterday. I got a call last night when I was supposed to be in yoga (wrenched knee, shitty sub teacher....didn't go last minute.) "Hya Daddy!!!!!" I answer with my usual glee from hearing his voice. Then I hear the noise, very familiar. It is a hand dryer. "are you calling me from the BATHROOM????" He was at a theater and carved out five whole minutes to talk to me yesterday. It is likely he ducked in there to leave me a message while his unsuspecting date waited outside. I lost my shit. Of course, I immediately ran out and bought cigs and beer.

Mad crazy texting later last night. Today, he is pissed. I don't recognize myself and I really don't like who I am right now. I don't do anger and jealousy. I don't throw fits. These emotions are so foreign. I don't like to argue. I really don't like drama. Seems to be a lot of that going around with me recently. Crazy pants. I hate it.

Daddy said I manufactured this drama. He may be right. My hunger for him is never sated and when I am not with him...well it is just killing time until I am again. I know there are tons of women out there that would thrive in this sort of situation. I don't know why my disposition does not allow it. My mind is all over the map today, started sobbing while driving home. God I am a mess.

He dismissed me this morning saying he will deal with me later. Oh boy. Neither one of us needs this drama. He said that he had five minutes to spend last night and chose to spend them with me then I turn it into this crazy train. I just want help dealing with these feelings. I just want to be the happy, loving submissive I know that I am. I want to be used, that is my purpose. I want him. Cue tears.

stamp it out

My friend Oz (reader of the blog as well) said something that made my day today. He is concerned about me and my well-being, warned me not to get in this situation to begin with. He commented that it is too late to get out of the tunnel but "hug the wall if you see the light and hear the horn." I may be injured by the train wreck, but hopefully not killed by it.

I want to be ok with what is going on. I found a polyamory support group that has a meeting this Saturday. Daddy said he would go with if I liked and bring The Others. It is sweet he offered that but how the fuck am I going to bitch about them if they are there? (jk Daddy!) This is my problem NOT theirs. They already have everything I would like to have so why would they need this sort of thing? I would like to know how other women deal with the sense of inequality, jealousy, limited time and attention they get in this type of relationship. I for one, am not dealing well. Daddy tries to ensure me that these things are not true however that is my perception. As we say in the Fortune 100 world, perception is reality. I would like to perceive an alternate reality than what I do today. Maybe someone who has been through this can help me do so.

I recognize I am allowed a lot of freedom and flexibility by Daddy. I am on a long leash and he has bent over backward to acknowledge my personality and ensure I thrive. I can date, I can fuck, within certain guidelines of course. I would wither and die were I expected so sit around waiting with my thumb up my ass. Perhaps that is me being melodramatic, I would just cut bait and say peace the fuck out. Or I would be so insane he would tell me to get the fuck out. Tomato tomato.

It is apparent that Daddy listened to me Saturday night. As we discussed these things yesterday I saw he made an effort to not give me the trite, "if I wanna put you in a box for six months" reply. Clearly, I am trying to get on board and address my insecurities and fears.

aftermath

If I only got one day this week with Daddy, yesterday was a pretty good one. I knew we were on a schedule and was told to be naked and ready for use when he got here. I was pumping and masturbating as I waited for him. He didn't waste any time when he got here. I was tossed around like a rag doll, ending up bent over the bed where he delivered several hard blows with his belt. The plug was yanked out and Daddy mounted me roughly, hand around my neck as he drove his cock deep inside of me. He lay on top of me and I arched my back as extremely as I could to meet with his thrusts and pressed my cheek against his. He and I only could touch tongues and he spit on me and bit my cheek. I can tell he is about to cum when he reaches under me first grabbing and holding onto my tits while he rides me then moving down to pull on my hips. He filled me with cum, stood up and shoved his condom covered cock in my mouth while I knelt before him. I was given five minutes to get cleaned up and ready to go.

We went downtown Los Angeles for a work related event he had to go to first stopping at Clifton's for lunch. It is a cafeteria which was built in the 30's replete with a thematic kitchy charm which is my favorite sort of place. It took longer than expected and we missed the first event, so we walked around downtown with Daddy giving me an architecture tour. It was surprising to me as I have believed that Los Angeles is devoid of any character or soul. To see these magnificent buildings with Daddy's characteristic nerdy knowledge base was genuinely wonderful. My little secret is that I am a nerd too. It could not have been a nicer day.

The rest of the afternoon into the evening we did his work stuff breaking to have dinner at another Los Angeles institution, The Pantry. The food was just so so but again, the place had been around since the 20's so I enjoyed the atmosphere and of course, the company.

After we finished his work we came back to my place and then began the uncomfortable conversation bit of the day. Daddy is concerned that I drink until I get drunk, talk about polyamory with my friends who don't understand and seem to have issues with our relationships as a whole. A little light conversation...ugh. I do resent the situation and I self-medicate with alcohol. I cannot argue with him about that. I'm the odd man out in this deal and feel as if I am drawing the short straw. I know he doesn't like hearing about this, I talk to my friends because I need a sounding board. He wants to be my sounding board which is great, only when I do tell him how I am feeling I am often mocked or lectured. I am not looking to him for a value judgement but rather tools to cope with these feelings. Ultimately, the talk was pretty miserable but I think we came to some good conclusions. He was vulnerable to me too and I don't want to pick that scab. We are both at a crossroads for different reasons and we need to help each other, not work against one another.

He was going to leave on that high note (eye roll) but I convinced him to fuck me again. We climbed into bed and he got on top of me wasting no time sticking his cock into his pussy. I belong to him. I moaned and babbled such things, my emotions coming from a deep and feral place. "What are you thinking now whore?" he asked, "I want you to hit me." I replied. He landed a firm blow to my left cheek which left my ears ringing. He spit on my lips and I licked it off hungrily. Daddy pumped me hard while telling me how much he loves what a trashy slut I am and we both came at the same time. 2AM, he smeared my face with the cum-filled condom and left.

It is the uncertainty that is killing me. I do believe he wants all of the things we have talked about and we are on the same page. How are we going to get there is the question? His resources are already allocated. There was some Japanese story I read once about a truth seeker going to visit a Buddhist monk for knowledge. As this traveller told the monk everything he believed the monk began to pour him a cup of tea. The traveller prattled on and on eventually noticing the monk had filled the tea cup to capacity and was now pouring tea which spilled over the brim and was covering the table, dripping on the floor. "How can you expect to gain anything when your cup is already so full?" I cannot help but see the parallel to my situation. I'm sure I will get shit for posting that, I am trying to have faith. There are a million and one reasons NOT to do this and only one reason to carry on; I love the fucker. It has to work.

Breaking the girl

It is still dark, cold and raining outside. Perfect accoutrement to how I am feeling inside. Daddy and I have talked and are back on track. I still can't help but feel the parts that are missing between us. I hate being so fucking sensitive.

He claims he would never have let me go, but doesn't want to keep me in a situation where I am miserable. Somehow, I'm not finding solace in that statement. He is correct that I always come to the darkest and most negative conclusion about everything. I do as that has been the gestalt of my experiences. He told me to allow him to carry my baggage, don't beat him over the head with it. Fair enough.

This morning he asked if it would be possible to break me. I told him to imagine the immense satisfaction he will feel once he accomplishes it. I picked him because I think he is capable. I WANT it. I WANT to give him everything I have and am over time. I want to be completely dependant on him. I picked him because I trust him to be able to manage that and handle the responsibility. He is stable, sincere and in control of himself. Meeting him at the door wearing latex with a home cooked meal on the table sounds ideal to me. I want subservience 24/7 and an opportunity to express that in everything I do.

He claims that I resist anything non-sexual I am required to do. I will have to get some clarity to that. I'm not quite sure I understand what he is talking about. My best guess is being satisfied with being alone and on my own most of the time. I'm not and don't understand how that could be an expression of my submission. TPE doesn't occur in a vacuum and well, I mostly live in one.

I won't see him until Saturday. I'm sure I will be blue and fronky until then. I'm not sleeping and having lots of panic attacks. I don't have anything going on this week and am anti-social and boring. Very unusual for me. I don't likey.

yup, I did it.

"You are a completely owned slave until the day you die. There is nothing you can say or do that can change that." Apparently, that is NOT the case.

I am self-destructive. I have been in turmoil and drank both Sunday and Monday nights. In the process, I talked to Daddy and said some things which concerned him. Yesterday, he offered to release me telling me he would not turn me out on my own but would help find someone else for me or plan a path. I am to think about my submission and if this is what I really want with him. I can feel the distance between us and regret my actions. The fact he is so willing to cut me loose or pawn me off on someone else also saddens and sickens me to the core. It is my own fault I know. I know my lashing out is a form of defensive posturing. I have been thinking of this constantly, subconsciously I may have been testing the waters to see if he really did mean that he would never leave me and I am his. Well, guess we have the answer to that question now.

My goal with Daddy was to find a depth of submission which I have never known. Bond with and trust someone as I could only dream of. I see it as a process, submission deepening with experience and time. There is no button on me you can just flip and my submission engages. I want this. I want it with him. I just am not sure how to do it. "You exist to serve me. If I want you to stay in a cage for six months you will do so because it serves me." Not helping Daddy. As much as I would like to find Nirvana in balling socks or sleeping alone I don't today. I'm not saying somewhere in the future I reach a place where unloading the perfect dishwasher makes me cream, just saying today that is foreign to me. I would like a map.

Self-destructive me succeeded in pushing him away. I created a self-fulfilling prophecy. I take total responsibility for this. Isn't being a submissive the ultimate in self-destructive behavior? Hand yourself over to be dismantled and built back up to someones taste? Look at the title of my blog, that kind of says it all. I hate myself now. I hate how I feel, how I have behaved and what I have done. I don't like who I am right now.

I'm not sure what I going to happen now. I'm going to try not to panic and work it through. If I am cut loose I am not sure what I am going to do with myself. I wish there were an "undo" button for life.

Le Weekend

This was an insane weekend. Captain Save a Ho strikes again! I picked up a despondant and wayward French woman on the train back from Orange County Friday. Here for a month, two hundo in her pocket and kicked out of her boyfriend's house with nowhere to go. I couldn't let her wander the streets of Los Angeles so I took her home.

Fortunately, Frenchie was incredibly cool and fun. I enjoyed having her companionship. It reinforced the fact that I need to find a girlfriend. We ate, she showered and made out. She said, "you are my luuuuuucky schtaaaarrrrrrr!" She was tiny and jumped on me claiming that she was falling in love. She knocked me over in the process and we broke a lamp. C'est la vie! We slept cuddled in each other's arms. It was really nice.

We spent Saturday together. I told her about my big brunch on Sunday when I was to meet The Others. We did yoga, found her a place, met up with some of my friends then had dinner with Daddy. He quite enjoyed her as well.

Sunday, I arranged for her to have a ride to the hostel. As we said our goodbyes, she hugged me and told me to remember, "as beautiful as you are on the outside, you are also inside." Made me feel really good and confident going into this breakfast.

We picked The Others up and went to the restaurant. I really liked one of them, she was interesting and engaging. I could see myself hanging out with her. The other, eh. Well, I am going to chalk it up to her being nervous and insecure meeting me. I didn't really care for her manner. She seems to lack social skills. Additionally, she wears a GINORMOUS permanent steel collar with an O ring on the front. I'm not public with my lifestyle choices, would be career limiting if I were. I understand some people are fine with being out there with their shit, just not for me.

I went into this determined to be myself. My fear was I would get defensive but I didn't. I was strangely ok with how things went. My only negative is that the other one seemed unapproachable. I didn't care for her to be honest. Hopefully, going forward we can find some common ground and she will become more comfortable with me. It was disappointing.

I guess they liked me. I am relieved that we have overcome this hurdle and we can move on to whatever is going to come next. Bringing me into his family.

I came home and my place seemed incredibly empty. I went and watched football with some friends and drank too much. I have to remember I am taking medication and not eating and not slam the beers. I got drunk. Daddy called, he is concerned about how I get when I drink. Disrespectful. I know I have problems with this situation but I am trying to work through them. Best not to do so with booze.

Getting Bent

I am insanely tired today (and sorta sad for some reason) and have to go to yoga. I highly suggest to any submissive out there to take yoga classes. It can be enormously helpful when dealing with difficult scenes (either emotional or physical) as you learn to stay calm and find your center. Yoga breathing is helpful too.

Prior to practice, we acknowledge what brought us to our yoga mats today. For me the answer is always the same, to be of service. I haven't been working out for months and I have lost pretty much all of my strength and flexibility. It is frustrating to basically be a beginner again.

It parallels my relationship with Daddy. I only have six months in with him. I am his third sub with the least amount of time served. I am a beginner. We chatted today and I said, "all I want is a closet full of latex, under the same roof as you, my gf in my bed and a pile of cash in the bank from whoring around. Is that too much to ask?" I was joking, sort of. I'm not going to see him again until Thursday. It really sucks.

Just threw on my Wonder Woman t-shirt. I know I need to do this. It takes both time and commitment to build a strong core. Sometimes it is hard to remember that.

Long days, not enough lays

This weekend was long. My usually full dance card was empty and I found myself alone. There is nothing that makes me more stir crazy than spending a weekend night by myself. My old part-time Dom, The Doll Collector saw my new CM profile and lamented that he did not get to date THIS Marsha. "Had THIS Marsha been the girl I was with, things could have ended up VERY differently, tisk tisk." I cracked up at the email and jabbed at him, "THIS Marsha was ALWAYS there. It just took the right man to find it." Sadly, that was the highlight of my Fri/Sat night. Other than that, I watched horrible movies and texted my friends. It was a snore.

Sunday, I went to WeHo and had brunch with my gay husbands. We drink magic orange juice and have a generally fabulous time. They are my chosen family and they treat me as such. I had to bounce early, missing the very hot and dirty gay strippers at Micky's, in order to come home and finish getting ready for Daddy. A sacrifice as for one dollar bill, you can stick your fingers up their ass and grab their junk. Or watch others do it for free. Good times!

I came home and cleaned up inside and out for Daddy. I put on a black pencil skirt and a new top that is sheer and hangs off of one shoulder. When he saw me he was very pleased, "I should take you out more often and show you off." I dress only for him and later he told me that the result is lovely but it is the effort I put in that really is alluring to him.

We didn't skip a beat and went right to the bedroom. I was in especially high spirits and was super giggly and happy last night. I was told to strip and kneel and got to suck his cock. I love looking up at him as I suckle his cock and take it as deeply as I can in my throat. He shoved me on the bed and pulled my plug out and tried to fuck me up the ass. We had some technical difficulties and we just could not get his cock in the right hole. I found this endlessly amusing and just started laughing. He hasn't used that hole in so long he had forgotten how! Eventually we worked it out and he gave me a good solid ass fucking. I lose myself in that becoming one organism with him. It is magical to me and I go to subspace when he rides me. After Daddy fills me with his sperm he lays on top of me and holds me tight, "good girl, good girl" is all he says.

We went for Chinese and talked. He is meeting some of my friends too and becoming more acquainted with my other friends via pictures and stories. I like that he wants to be incorporated into my life too and is interested in such things. We hold hands across the table. Dammit I love the fucker.

Back to my house, cruised my CM tunas on a hook then watched a little tv drinking tea cuddling on the sofa talking. He loves how my body is starting to look. I can't wait for another month in the gym when I can genuinely rock his world with my body. I know what it can look like with some effort and I can't wait for him to see. Down side is I need new pants.

This week is going to suck again. I am not going to see him until Thursday when we are going over to another submissive friend's house for dinner and board games. Have to squeeze in a little use sometime. I'm jonesing for it already.

The Roast Was Tenderized

Daddy came over Thursday night and sure as shit I was immediately punished for my lack of attention to my homework. My ankles were shackled, I was laid on my back with my feet up, my wrists were then shackled and my hands were secured behind my knees exposing my pussy. Daddy then took off his belt. "It was 22 days ago I reminded you about your homework. I gave you a pass on 3 days so that leaves 19 days that you were willfully disobedient to me." His arm went back and I felt a solid crack on my pussy and he counted, "that's one...." I winced in anticipation of the blows. It was incredibly painful and I cried out. He silenced me with the bit. He continued counting out the blows directly to my cunt, occasionally landing one that wasn't so bad, which he would deem didn't count. I earned some extra ones for allowing my legs to drop and defensive posturing.

After my punishment was complete, Daddy laid next to me and talked to me. I really wish I could develop a poker face because even gagged, my eyes told him everything I was thinking. He again told me that I am not going anywhere and I will be obedient. The punishments will be more frequent and severe until I comply. He liked talking to me gagged, me not having the ability to do anything but nod my head indicating I understood. After he finished his lecture he released me from my cuffs and gag.

He doesn't like feeling that I am just beginning to trust him. I have heard a lot of talk from a lot of men over the years and mostly it is that, just talk. Daddy says things like, "Hopefully, if sometime in the future we are living under the same roof..." and of course my mind immediately goes to the sub-text that us living together is not a certainty. I do not think I could stand to live like this forever, isolated and sleeping alone every night only seeing Daddy a couple of times a week. I have done it for too long as it is and I would never knowingly sign up for this lifestyle permanently. Never. Thursday he told me that he will build us a house and I am going to be his perverted partner forever. It could be a couple of years out, but it will happen and he wants it too. That makes me feel much better.

He fucked me hard, commenting that he never has used a slut's pussy as much as he has mine. He favors the ass almost to exclusion of the other holes but for some reason he likes to use all three of mine. I take an odd sense of satisfaction in knowing that. I love being fucked any which way but when he is on top of me and we are looking into each other's eyes, me brushing the hair back so I can really watch him as he fucks me, it is dreamy and hot. I love him.

He brought some Indian food over. My experience with Indian food has been vomit inducing but I said I would give it another go. I am open to trying most things, especially with food. I really enjoyed our dinner and Daddy description of what everything was, how it was prepared and even comparing different regions of Indian cooking. Daddy can be a nerd, one of the things I like most about him.

He wasn't feeling well so we were mellow for the rest of the night. We changed my CM profile together trolling for chicks. He and I scanned the personals and emailed a couple of girls we thought might be good girlfriend material for me. He came across several he has spoken to over the years and we both laughed as he told me about those experiences. I think having my own girlfriend might alleviate some of the pressure off of Daddy. I genuinely hate living alone and having someone to sleep with and hang out with and fuck on a more regular basis is something I need. The idea is that she will be mine and depending on how things go, I may share her with Daddy. I am open to creating any different kind of relationship. I have already gotten a couple of responses back! I am excited...

My pussy is marked from the belt and incredibly sore. Sadly I think I am out of commission for a few days. Daddy is coming over tomorrow. We didn't have much time to see each other this week so it will be nice to have more time with him. Next weekend, I meet The Others. I am surprisingly calm about meeting his other two submissives. I think it is about time and shows that he is serious about incorporating me into his life. Polyamory is not my ideal situation at all but I am getting accustomed to the idea. Daddy never makes me feel like I am getting 1/3 of anything from him so it is palatable. My concern is that knowing it is going on is different than seeing it first hand and there is no way to know how I will respond when confronted with it. It is real and I am going to be part of it.

While I am sitting in this hard wooden chair with my throbbing pussy I am going to get on my homework. Look at that, punishment actually works.

oops, I did it again

Shit. I talked to Daddy then sat down on the sofa (just for a second, I swear!) I was working from 6 AM until about 8 last night. Damn down torpor sucked me in. I was out like a light and didn't get to my homework. I need to just do it earlier so this doesn't happen. I'm fucked.

Panic Attacks

Yet another ABM (ass burn Monday) made worse (if possible) by having our annual planning report due and company state of the union meeting Wednesday (last year, my pay was cut, my comission re-structured, my insurance changed to a shitty HMO that I now pay for. These meetings are usually not favorable.) The good news hasn't stopped yet this morning and I have already had a panic attack by ten. Daddy talked me down but I am still really shaking and scrambled. I haven't been able to focus at all and this report isn't going anywhere......

Daddy told me his goal this year was that he would be able to take care of me. I am finding solace in being owned and know whatever happens I will be ok. The fact that I am not alone anymore hasn't really sunk in, but it starting to.

I spent Saturday with Daddy and he stayed over (yay! I actually got to wake up to him!!!) We did make it out of my apartment for dinner. When we are together, I don't care to do anything but just BE together. We cuddle and talk and fuck....I saw a couple of spreader bars peeking out of his bag of tricks. We didn't ever get to those. Just fucking and sleeping curled up together. Perfection. Wake up to a round of ass fucking. I could get used to that.

We have been making other plans as well. I may move closer to him. We are thinking about me making some extra money by doing some escort work. Additionally, I am looking for a girlfriend. Daddy thinks I am ready to meet The Others now. I think I am too. He is going to plan a dinner for me to meet them. He has a lot of plans for me, this is only the beginning. I am being integrated in his life and it feels really good.

As horrible as I am feeling today, I try to come back to my service for comfort. I pump and am plugged. Did an enema. I tried doing homework last night but my puter is jacked. I will do homework today (I think fixed the immediate prob last night.) I'm powering down my nicotine lozenges like they are going out of style. I trust that whatever happens Wednesday, Daddy will be there for me. In the meantime, I obey. Now back to my stupid report.