and so it begins...

Doc and Kat will be here in an hour. Lunch then surprise shopping trip to pick up fetish stuff for her to wear tonight to the BDSM club Passive Arts. I am hoping to swing by Syren and pick up a latex tank top. Want a new look tonight for my 3some...

Bittersweet day. Saw pictures from my girlfriend from high school's wedding last weekend. The joy and love just ooze from them, as does her personality. Found out OldBoss still loves me last night. Would be a REALLY good decision on an intellectual basis to get with him. Which brings us to Daddy, who bailed on tonight. I am going out, again alone. I understand and respect his decision but it still is disappointing. I am pretty fucking sick of doing everything by myself. My problem, again to deal with on my own.

Saw Daddy for a half an hour this week. Not his fault but still a fact. We were chatting this morning and he said that he wasn't sure I understood what a watershed moment we had this week...I don't think that I do. He told me to go and is "confident you will share this experience with me. It will be as if I were there." No. It won't. I really don't understand his position that he is always with me. He isn't. "In spirit" is not the same. When spirit can spoon and fuck and bite and laugh and take out the garbage then we will talk. Now he went radio silent on chat...oh spirit, where are you? It isn't that I think out love is gone when we are apart but come on!

Do other women actually buy into that crap? It is almost like having a relationship with God who is everywhere at once and in everything although you can't see him or touch him. It is faith I guess. I don't believe in God as a threshold matter... Daddy just signed out of chat. No goodbye. Mean spirited.

I am trying to shake off this funk and get all bright and shiny. I actually think I may cry.