A slut with needs. This has been a concept I have been tossing around in my head all week. Does submission mean that one is no longer to have their needs met in the relationship? At the core, we are human beings first and certain things are non-negotiable such as breathing (which can be interrupted for short periods of time by our Doms, yum!) As I try to wrap my head around this polyamory stuff I tend to get very pragmatic about my position and how my needs can be met long-term.
Spelunking my brain for my psych 101 class, I remembered Mazlo's hierarchy of needs. As I study the triangle above, it occurs to me I am meeting every single one of those needs on my own today. (With the sex part I get by with a little help from my friends.) Recognizing that I am a pretty highly functional human being first and submissive second, it begs the question how does this relationship stand to improve any of those blocks on the chart.
Daddy told me there is a benefit to me in this situation....I asked him what it was. "You have a family." I already have a family. Additionally, I had no desire to live in my sorority house when I was in one because frankly, groups of women together is a nightmare. As much as I love him, this prospect does not appeal to me in the least. I am struggling with my desire to be with him and a willingness to continue down a path which is his fetish, not even remotely mine.
I know I am freaking out. Triggered first by seeing a pic of another one of his submissives, the one I am to meet Saturday. Second, by not seeing him at all this week.....he didn't keep his word to me. And finally finding out last night that this submissive is moving into a condo he owns directly across the street from where he shares his home with another, they have been together 2 1/2 years. I should not have a constant pit in my stomach.
Daddy has accused me of coming from a place of insecurity. Maybe. As I get more and more pieces of this puzzle (dished out at a painstakingly slow pace) I am seeing a future that does not look very promising. I would NEVER be that chick that has been sitting around waiting for something to move forward for nearly three years. I don't want to be strung along with hollow promises that he is unable to keep and end up living alone for the rest of my life. As Mae West said, "an ounce of performance is worth a pound of promises."
He is angry with me for pulling away. His feelings are waning with my sadness. All I know is I haven't slept, I chain smoked a pack of cigarettes last night and have been alone all week. I am so tired of sleeping in a cold empty bed every single night. Polyamory is fun isn't it?
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