What a difference a day makes. When I am upset, I just shut down. I know I have a very sharp tongue on me so I just don't talk. Experience has taught me that I cannot control the vicious things that fly out of my mouth so it's best to just go silent. Well, this is a problem for Daddy and understandably so. I am feeling much better today, that ache in my stomach is dissipating but now I have an ache in my heart.
I have disappointed him and he has cancelled plans to have me meet his other submissive, I'm not ready. I have to say, I do agree with him here. We have recently gotten back together after a break-up. I am still concerned that our relationship is built on a house of cards. He did not keep his word to me this week and when I don't see him I become off-center. I want us to be strong together before he plunges me into unfamiliar territory. I think he often overestimates my capabilities as a slave. Physically I am adept but there is so much foreign emotional territory which I do not know how to deal with. I am not accustomed to being emotional and I hate it.
I feel that we have taken a step back in our journey. I am sad but I don't know how I could have handled things differently. I don't have the tools.
Last night, I went to WeHo for a CD release party for some of my friends. I took my GirlCrush and my fuck buddy PopStar. We got drunk and I danced it out. A little sex candy didn't hurt either. I don't want to have to turn to others for comfort, I want Daddy to be the source of that. He is doubting me and now that is feeding every fear I have. The sense of loss is overwhelming. I had better figure this out quickly or he will just go and make another me.
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