It is still dark, cold and raining outside. Perfect accoutrement to how I am feeling inside. Daddy and I have talked and are back on track. I still can't help but feel the parts that are missing between us. I hate being so fucking sensitive.
He claims he would never have let me go, but doesn't want to keep me in a situation where I am miserable. Somehow, I'm not finding solace in that statement. He is correct that I always come to the darkest and most negative conclusion about everything. I do as that has been the gestalt of my experiences. He told me to allow him to carry my baggage, don't beat him over the head with it. Fair enough.
This morning he asked if it would be possible to break me. I told him to imagine the immense satisfaction he will feel once he accomplishes it. I picked him because I think he is capable. I WANT it. I WANT to give him everything I have and am over time. I want to be completely dependant on him. I picked him because I trust him to be able to manage that and handle the responsibility. He is stable, sincere and in control of himself. Meeting him at the door wearing latex with a home cooked meal on the table sounds ideal to me. I want subservience 24/7 and an opportunity to express that in everything I do.
He claims that I resist anything non-sexual I am required to do. I will have to get some clarity to that. I'm not quite sure I understand what he is talking about. My best guess is being satisfied with being alone and on my own most of the time. I'm not and don't understand how that could be an expression of my submission. TPE doesn't occur in a vacuum and well, I mostly live in one.
I won't see him until Saturday. I'm sure I will be blue and fronky until then. I'm not sleeping and having lots of panic attacks. I don't have anything going on this week and am anti-social and boring. Very unusual for me. I don't likey.
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