Monday morning quarterbacking the events of last week, on a Sunday. Yeah, I'm a rebel. This week was full of ups and downs. Saw Daddy Wednesday night and had more uncomfortable conversation about my behavior. Went to a polyamory support group with him yesterday afternoon. I was glad he came with me. I want him to know I am really making a genuine effort.
I vomited out my reasons for being there in my introduction to the group; difficulty dealing with the jealousy, not recognizing myself, turning into a banshee, resentment and other such horrible emotions. It is a common thread in these types of relationships and how others deal is varied. I have to say, I did find it helpful. I didn't get the magic bean I had hoped for but knowing this is somewhat of a universal experience was helpful to me. I think I am going to go to the next one. I hope Daddy got something out of it too, he believes submission is a line in the sand you step over and never look back. I befriended a woman that said she cried, journaled, went to support groups, posted on the poly blogs for a year and a half in order to get her jealousy under control. She brought up something very interesting to me yesterday as well, there is a certain amount of mourning that goes hand in hand with this. I will never be married, I will have to hide my lifestyle from my friends and family...things you take for granted in a more traditional relationship.
I was feeling positive about the steps I had made and in the car Daddy brought up one of The Others, the one I do not like. I see this internal struggle as interconnected and feel as if I can conquer one, I can conquer all of the negative feelings I harbor, including my feelings about The Other. I felt deflated. He projected jealousy that genuinely is not there. I am resentful of the access she has and her living situation. I honestly am not looking at her at comparing myself to her. Well, maybe I am a bit. I find her ridiculous. Daddy thinks she is hot and sexy which is his prerogative, I do not share his opinion (which is mine.) Friday he told me she wants to fuck me, of course she does. I do not find her attractive in the least. Perhaps over time I will come to like her but I am sorry I said anything to him. The only way for us to develop a relationship is to spend more time with her. I will paint a smile on my face and get along while looking for some commonality. Failure is not an option.
I am a very loving person. I have many close friends that have become my extended family. I still talk to my best friend since 3rd grade regularly (we were spelling partners which I suspect is why neither one of us can spell today, too busy fucking around and forming a life-long friendship.) I have the ability to make and maintain loving relationships for decades. I have been thrown into this family without any say in the picking but I know I can open my heart. With some people you just have to dig a little deeper. Daddy is sure that I can thrive in this relationship and told me to trust his judgement. I am supposed to write an essay about the benefits of polyamory this week. I still don't see them, going to be a very short essay indeed.
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