path less travelled

Being a lover can be exhausting. Being a submissive can be soul sucking.

Strike ten billion with Daddy last night. I was a dick Friday. I know what I say can be cutting and vicious. Why and how he sticks with me is a mystery. I know I try to push him away as I know this is wrong. My Catholic Republican upbringing tells me so. Mr. MBA always says, "would you tell your father about this relationship??" Nope, no fucking way.

Can you reconcile these types of BDSM, in my case M/s, relationships with the real world? We argue. I am not proud of what I do and need behind closed doors. I am a whore. I understand this on a deep level. In the past I could cloak this behind a more traditional relationship and pass. I can't now.

He asked me to embody the relationship last night. Embrace the uncommon bond we have as a "family" and want it, really WANT it. I want him. I have no understanding of the lifestyle he proscribes. I don't think he appreciates how much I give up to be with him. The cost to me is huge and taxing on my values. He has integrity which I know he values above all else. So do I. The only thing I take to my grave is my name. What legacy do I want to leave?

In the event we get to do this project together, I will be full-on out there. The Marsha that we all know will be gone, doors closing. I would be putting my trust in him 100% and leaving myself behind in every form and fashion. I do not want to shame my family name. Ultimately, that is all I own. They say your last pair of pants have no pockets. Your name lives on. It matters.