Something has shifted inside me. I am afraid to look at it too closely as I don't want to tempt fate. I am myself again. I have accepted and embraced my slavery. More importantly, I have accepted polyamory. It feels good not to have the endless sick feeling and despair I have had for months on end.
Daddy has stopped pushing The One I Don't Like on me sexually and trying to convince me of her value and beauty. I appreciate that. He held her body up as slamming and my thoughts are, "sure...I can do bone protruding anorexia too." If that is the body style he likes, no problem. I used to weigh 115 lbs at 5'9 when I was modeling. I know how to do starvation and gym. Unfortunately, having dropped 10 lbs in the last month and a half I have lost an entire cup size and any ass I may have had before. I am 41 going on 42, my bff called me Skeletor last Friday. None of my clothes fit. Just going to do it so I can prove a point.
We celebrated Valentines Day last night. Grazed on finger food, beautiful cheese I bought at the specialty cheese store, shrimp, chocolate covered strawberries and the like. He cuffed my wrists and ankles. I danced for him, fucked a dildo while sucking him, spreader bars, got whipped with that bloody belt, repeatedly slapped and spit on and choked, peed on (which I actually enjoyed!!)...nirvana. He really loves me. He says he doesn't like hitting the bitches, but his dilated pupils tell a different story. We feed each other and find some very dark places together. We are a "pure match" in his words.
It's only been six months or so and we were talking about this last Thursday when Daddy was here. The intensity is not waning, it is going deeper. I do not want to imagine a day when I am not owned by him. I have genuinely turned a corner and know my place is to serve him. He has the ability to reduce me to my core purpose; three hungry holes to use. He was fucking me from the side last night, bending my body at awkward angles and it really hurt. I was part of him, no longer and individual. I was moaning like the shameful whore that I am. Just holes for his pleasure and the most base animalistic response available to me. "Jesus, your devotion is intoxicating," Daddy texted me yesterday. It is for me too Daddy.
What a difference a day makes (is there a song in there somewhere?) Hey - great to read some positive stuff, long may it last and enjoy.
ReplyDeletexx
love you Doll!
ReplyDeleteSo, here is how I process all moments; Japanese master was called on by the Emporor. He wanted the key to everlasting happiness; if he did not get it from his deciples he put them to death. The monk presented the Emporor with a ring inscription; "this too shall pass." Every loving moment we have, every moment of hatred and all of those moments in the middle pass. I try to surf the peaks and valleys. Sometimes it is hard.
XOXOXO