I want to be better. Something Daddy said to me resonated Saturday night. He is very concerned about my lashing out then going to hurt myself by abusing prescription medication and alcohol. Cigarettes too. I have been thinking a lot about that. He is right. I just need to stop this.
I went out with my gays yesterday and got fucked up. It was fun and happy but you know, I'm getting too old for this shit. I have been in so much pain with this relationship and have been trying to numb myself and push down those emotions. I am uncomfortable feeling things.
Many of our problems have stemmed from my self-medicating. I say horrible things and get mean. He is right to be concerned as I have been too. Today, I threw out all my meds. I'm not going to drink for a while either. He is right. I don't want my emotions to be exacerbated by these things. It is time to let this stuff go and just deal with my feelings.
I have gone months without drinking and taking meds. I can be a social drinker but I think lately, I am going down a slippery slope. It may be more difficult to face my problems directly, but I owe it to myself and Daddy to do so. By posting this I am making a commitment to myself. Daddy hasn't asked me to give these things up, but I am going to do so of my own accord.
As if it were a sign from the universe, my favorite yoga teacher just sent an email as I was typing this saying he now has a new Monday night class! I'm a firm believer that good choices lead to good outcomes. I will be there!
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