down the rabbit hole

People have been commenting on how good I look this week. Rested, relaxed. I have fought Daddy every step of the way, my nerves have been shot. I've been smoking too much, partying too much and whoring around too much as a coping mechanism. Something has changed, and I can feel it.

Descending into this level of submission is uncharted waters for the girl here. I am stubborn and proud which has created drama and problems. The prospect of losing autonomy, changing my behavior and wrapping my head around this unique type of relationship has be frightening to me.

One of my personal anthems is Joni Mitchell's All I Want and I have been thinking about a lyric which is apt for my internal turmoil, "I love you when I forget about me." Daddy has repeatedly told me to focus on service and not on me me me. This message clicked somehow this week, honestly, I think it was the second he landed the blow to my cheek last weekend. I am owned, I am his.....if he didn't care he wouldn't go to the trouble of correcting me.

He can feel the change in me too. The time we have spent together this week has been magical. We say things at the same time, have the same thoughts, I intuit him. I am becoming part of him. As a result, the intimacy we share is intensifying and going to some dark places. The boundaries that seemed so certain and clear are blurred. I WANT to share these things with him. The depth, the passion, the fire is surprising us both and is intoxicating.

We began the process of inducing lactation this week as well. I began taking Fenugreek, eating oatmeal, massaging my breasts several times a day. Daddy ordered a pump which will hopefully come soon. As I massage my tits the arousal is unbearable. I cannot wait to be his dairy cow and have a use for these things. Feeding him from my body is such an erotic concept. I fantasize about weaving daisies in my hair, bell around my neck, Daddy at my breast. I want to be the most beautiful cow he has ever seen.