I think he broke my brain. I snapped last night. Flipped the fuck out is more like it. I didn't talk to him all day yesterday. I got a call last night when I was supposed to be in yoga (wrenched knee, shitty sub teacher....didn't go last minute.) "Hya Daddy!!!!!" I answer with my usual glee from hearing his voice. Then I hear the noise, very familiar. It is a hand dryer. "are you calling me from the BATHROOM????" He was at a theater and carved out five whole minutes to talk to me yesterday. It is likely he ducked in there to leave me a message while his unsuspecting date waited outside. I lost my shit. Of course, I immediately ran out and bought cigs and beer.
Mad crazy texting later last night. Today, he is pissed. I don't recognize myself and I really don't like who I am right now. I don't do anger and jealousy. I don't throw fits. These emotions are so foreign. I don't like to argue. I really don't like drama. Seems to be a lot of that going around with me recently. Crazy pants. I hate it.
Daddy said I manufactured this drama. He may be right. My hunger for him is never sated and when I am not with him...well it is just killing time until I am again. I know there are tons of women out there that would thrive in this sort of situation. I don't know why my disposition does not allow it. My mind is all over the map today, started sobbing while driving home. God I am a mess.
He dismissed me this morning saying he will deal with me later. Oh boy. Neither one of us needs this drama. He said that he had five minutes to spend last night and chose to spend them with me then I turn it into this crazy train. I just want help dealing with these feelings. I just want to be the happy, loving submissive I know that I am. I want to be used, that is my purpose. I want him. Cue tears.
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You are an intelligent, articulate, feisty, possibly fragile, maybe needy, definitely independent, clever woman. You have needs and wants. Secondly you are a submissive woman. The first list of attributes is the most important. These are elements that need to be nurtured, enjoyed and developed.
ReplyDeleteCurrently, and I am aware that I am only reading your side of the story, none of this is happening. How can you begin to start a D/s relationship when the basic structure is lacking? This man needs to get to know you, understand why and how you tick, get inside your head as well as between your legs. Appreciate you for the fantastic bundle of complex emotions and characteristics that we all enjoy.
Don't sell your soul to this relationship cos it just sounds like it ain't going to work.
Hugs xx