yup, I did it.

"You are a completely owned slave until the day you die. There is nothing you can say or do that can change that." Apparently, that is NOT the case.

I am self-destructive. I have been in turmoil and drank both Sunday and Monday nights. In the process, I talked to Daddy and said some things which concerned him. Yesterday, he offered to release me telling me he would not turn me out on my own but would help find someone else for me or plan a path. I am to think about my submission and if this is what I really want with him. I can feel the distance between us and regret my actions. The fact he is so willing to cut me loose or pawn me off on someone else also saddens and sickens me to the core. It is my own fault I know. I know my lashing out is a form of defensive posturing. I have been thinking of this constantly, subconsciously I may have been testing the waters to see if he really did mean that he would never leave me and I am his. Well, guess we have the answer to that question now.

My goal with Daddy was to find a depth of submission which I have never known. Bond with and trust someone as I could only dream of. I see it as a process, submission deepening with experience and time. There is no button on me you can just flip and my submission engages. I want this. I want it with him. I just am not sure how to do it. "You exist to serve me. If I want you to stay in a cage for six months you will do so because it serves me." Not helping Daddy. As much as I would like to find Nirvana in balling socks or sleeping alone I don't today. I'm not saying somewhere in the future I reach a place where unloading the perfect dishwasher makes me cream, just saying today that is foreign to me. I would like a map.

Self-destructive me succeeded in pushing him away. I created a self-fulfilling prophecy. I take total responsibility for this. Isn't being a submissive the ultimate in self-destructive behavior? Hand yourself over to be dismantled and built back up to someones taste? Look at the title of my blog, that kind of says it all. I hate myself now. I hate how I feel, how I have behaved and what I have done. I don't like who I am right now.

I'm not sure what I going to happen now. I'm going to try not to panic and work it through. If I am cut loose I am not sure what I am going to do with myself. I wish there were an "undo" button for life.