Joy goalie

Saw Daddy last night. As we were parting ways I told him how much I miss him when I don't see him. He made some comment on how he only needs to be with me once a week to sustain him. He meant it as a compliment somehow, but it really didn't resonate as one. I made a comment back to him and he told me that I can always find a way to suck all the joy out of a moment for him. Greaaaat.....

As I was walking back to my apartment, this Joni song came into my mind. My relationship status permeates every aspect of my life. The bittersweet nature of our relationship is not lost on me. This week, it kind of seems I can't do anything right. I'm trying. Once a week will not sustain me. I have ample time to think about that the six nights a week I go to bed alone and the seven mornings per week I wake up as such. I try not to go to bad places with this but sometimes it is hard.

No sleep worrying about last night. One endless anxiety attack, the familiar sensation of adrenalin pumping and no place to run. Sickening, feeling as if I should vomit but cannot. It really isn't that dramatic which I understand on an intellectual level. I just wish my body would cooperate. Now I get to trudge though my day exhausted.

He thinks I am beautiful. The energy we share together is unique in both of our experiences. I just wish we could share more peaks than valleys. I hate that one comment from me colored our entire evening. I am very sensitive and am likely giving this more energy than it deserves. I just want to be perfect for him and I am sooooo far away from that goal. He's in my blood, it would be so much easier if he were not.